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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

674 replies

scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:34

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

OP posts:
Skynorth · 18/06/2022 19:00

MikeDeBike · 18/06/2022 18:53

No she is being unreasnoble by not keeping to her side of the agreement. Anyway she should also be doing it for her own longer term health. Being seriously overweight/obese increase her chances of hypertension, Type II diabetes and heart disease!

Typical man!

Wavygravy1 · 18/06/2022 19:01

Imagine if she reads this thread 😓

pixie5121 · 18/06/2022 19:03

SofiaSoFar · 18/06/2022 18:42

So many people are massively overweight and unwilling to moderate their unhealthy behaviours.

I'm not sure there's is huge pressure on people about their body image to be quite honest. There seems to be a push towards making it normal and not a problem.

Show quote history

I agree.

It already seems to be like that in the UK, that people are trying to delude themselves and others into thinking being obese is fine. It really isn't fine. It puts you at risk for so many serious health problems.

Capoeiradad · 18/06/2022 19:04

Wow this whole thing is farsical. You may of lost sight of the purpose of having loved ones as part of your special day....

MrsLargeEmbodied · 18/06/2022 19:05

bless her
no one wants to be size 22
and i am sure she thought she could lose the weight.
i hoipe you can get her to a dress fitting with a different dress/similar dress/seamstress involvement.
tact required.

Tigger1895 · 18/06/2022 19:09

NohoHank · 17/06/2022 14:40

You're right you do sound like a cow. You shouldn't have bought dresses that didn't fit and by a company that doesn't even do over a size 16. Hardly your best friend if you didn't consider her. This is all on you. You have no right to be annoyed with your friend for being fat and not 'moderating her eating'. That's a really crass comment actually! You'll just have to get her another dress or ask her to purchase her own.

I think your friend found your message

SnapDog · 18/06/2022 19:11

It must have been really embarrassing for her, if you all agreed that you “adored” the dresses but then found out that they didn’t go up to her size. 😔I’m not big but I actually feel embarrassed and sad for her just reading this, didn’t you feel any empathy in that moment?

Surely you could have tactfully and swiftly moved this on, said you wanted to keep looking anyway and then found something you knew was available in her size - before you declared that you loved it.

yphtutor · 18/06/2022 19:15

Easiest vote ever YABU, she is your friend just be happy she will be there with you. Have a fabulous day.

SallyB392 · 18/06/2022 19:18

Your friend could be gaining weight for so many reasons, but equally could NOT be losing weight for just as many. A difficult area for both of you. As others suggest why not take the bull by the horns, tell your friend that you would like her, as the matron of honour, to wear a slightly different gown. I recently purbeautul gowneded

whereeverilaymycat · 18/06/2022 19:22

At the very least people need to read all the posts by the OP. She's made it clear that the shop did go up to larger sizes, it was just unfortunate they picked a dress that didn't, which they didn't know when they first fell in love with it.
I am slightly aghast at all the 'she needs to buy her own dress' comments. This is a long established close friendship. Yes the friend shouldn't have committed to a size she didn't know she could achieve. Arguably the OP shouldn't have purchased the dresses so far in advance. But it's done now. I'm sure the MOH can be forgiven for what is essentially a small problem in the big scheme of things. I don't think it needs to be so dramatic.

Lunalae · 18/06/2022 19:25

It's an awkward situation but she shouldn't have said it, and shouldn't have made you shell out wasted cash for a dress she'd have to slim into. That's hard work. Now you have to have an awkward conversation about selling the dress and getting another. Ultimately she's the one who's made it awkward.

NohoHank · 18/06/2022 19:25

This reply has been deleted

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Minime88888888 · 18/06/2022 19:25

NewbieDivergent · 17/06/2022 14:40

As an obese woman who has never been able to keep weight off for any length of time I still think she is the unreasonable one,she shouldn't of made an agreement she couldnt keep to and that has cost you money,iwould cut your losses on the one dress keep the others and tell your friend as the dress doesn't fit she'll have to come as a guest instead.

Hard as nails 😂

HaveringWavering · 18/06/2022 19:26

I haven’t read all the replies but in your shoes I think I’d be doing this:

  1. Have a day out just you and MOH. Talk to her gently but frankly about her weight and the fact that she is not going to fit into the dress. Ask her how she is feeling about it (and her weight and health in general) what does she suggest?
  2. If she still insists she can lose it, help her be realistic about that chance of fitting the dress, but also offer your support for her to lose weight anyway, for her general health.
  3. Rather than having the dress altered, look into having one made for her in the same material, if it can be got hold of. Or find a complementary material but work in elements of the original dress, so that it goes with the others, a sort of Sewing Bee transformation challenge type approach?
  4. Stop worrying about having all 3 matching, that’s really not necessary and inevitably some look better than others in the same dress.
  5. Alternatively can you sell all 3 and buy new one so the replacement cost is not so much?
Dragonsmother · 18/06/2022 19:30

So a year ago you brought the dresses, but don’t get married until 2023?
so that’s 2 years the dresses are sitting around. for 2 years your friend has the pressure of “slimming” into a dress. I almost feel you have fat shamed your friend. She had no choice but to offer to slim into the dress

Fashions change, people change, things happens and weights change etc.

I think you will need to pick your battle carefully as you will risk loosing a friend.

HaveringWavering · 18/06/2022 19:33

Dragonsmother · 18/06/2022 19:30

So a year ago you brought the dresses, but don’t get married until 2023?
so that’s 2 years the dresses are sitting around. for 2 years your friend has the pressure of “slimming” into a dress. I almost feel you have fat shamed your friend. She had no choice but to offer to slim into the dress

Fashions change, people change, things happens and weights change etc.

I think you will need to pick your battle carefully as you will risk loosing a friend.

Surely it’s the opposite- with a whole 2 years in hand, the idea of slimming into the dress was a realistic one rather than just something people say when under pressure.

Tigger1895 · 18/06/2022 19:34

This reply has been deleted

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I just found your comment to be very angry

RachaelN · 18/06/2022 19:36

If she is maid of honour just get her a similar dress in the the same colour that will fit her and sell the other one. Perhaps ask her to pay the difference between the dresses if money is tight.

NohoHank · 18/06/2022 19:36

@Tigger1895 there are plenty of angry comments on here, you've not 'accused' the mode posters of being the MOH. What do you think your post achieved?

Donnaslayer · 18/06/2022 19:40

Does the dress come with a matching shawl? The dress maker for my sisters wedding took out one of her bridesmaid dresses after the girl put on alot of weight after illness using material from the shawl. The dress maker sorted it out very quickly and it looked brilliant, would never have known to look at it, that it had been altered and she still had shawl albeit a bit shorter but you'd never know xx

Hadtocomment · 18/06/2022 19:40

I think you are unreasonable because the amount you expected her to lose sounded like far too much and it just seems ridiculous to have treated such a big loss so blithely. Even if she said what she said I think you should have been more realistic. A dress size maybe could have been motivating. But three or four dress sizes? And with all the stress of the pandemic and everything going on which affected people in different ways? Many put on weight during this time. You say yourself you thought it would be good for her to lose weight for this goal. So you kind of took that risk. But maybe the pressure of it is actually making her more stressed and that can have the opposite effort and could even be making things worse for her. Your posts are judgey. You talk about what effort she is making and you are monitoring what she eats. None of this helps and is not nice to put on a forum.

I also think you are unreasonable to talk about such a delicate issue of a close friend on a massive public forum regularly raided by the tabloids. Potentially adding to any worry felt. I wouldn't actually forgive a friend doing that. Anonymous or not. If you want to talk about an issue that's delicate for you fair enough. But not a friend's.

I think if you want to be helpful you should try and find a way of taking the pressure off her without making her feel judged. Come up with some practical alternatives so she can look nice on the day. You are reacting defensively but your post says you are annoyed she won't lose weight for your wedding. What if you rephrased that as can't. Or is failing to? Even if she is eating more and not "putting the effort in" as you put it, you perhaps need to realise that bodies can actively resist losing weight and increase hunger hormones. Some people may eat more through stress or anxiety. Others may feel it's too overwhelming and can't start as it seems too impossible. Even if she is not being honest with herself about the time whizzing by, I think the goal you and her set was very unrealistic and possibly leading to more stress, overwhelm and sense of failure. If it had been a far more realistic goal it would still be achievable. But such a big goal gets more overwhelming and pressuring the closer to your wedding it gets. Help her out. Take the pressure off and come up with a more flexible solution. If she wants to try and lose some still she can but having a far too small dress waiting for her could be doing more harm than good.

Dibbydoos · 18/06/2022 19:43

Hi OP, I'm a bit bewildered tbh. She's your BF and you haven't spoken to her?

Sorry but if you don't talk how you going to sort this out?

BTW like manynof us the pandemic has caused havoc to our heads and figures, so be kind.

RunningTiger · 18/06/2022 19:47

UANBU
She shouldn’t have allowed you to buy the dress and you shouldn’t have bought it so far before the wedding IMO (understandable if is covid delay related).

You need to talk with her re the dress / her weight and see what she thinks.
Try and help her - suggest exercises / healthy eating etc and support her with it all as totally appreciate it is hard to change routines to aid weight loss.

And despite what previous posters have said - she IS actually choosing not to lose the weight if she is not watching calories in / calories out. Losing weight is not rocket since… just move more, eat less…

Think you might need to get a new Maids of Honour dress I’m afraid..
Best of luck

Sugarpiehoney · 18/06/2022 19:48

SausagePourHomme · 17/06/2022 14:38

You think she has chosen to be overweight?

How would you feel if your "friend" did this to you. Took you dress shopping with a load of skinnier people and made you feel lesser because the only dresses they have are too small. She probably felt she couldn't say no!

I mean, she has chosen to be overweight? It wasn’t decided for her by someone else.

Rosscameasdoody · 18/06/2022 19:49

SausagePourHomme · 17/06/2022 14:38

You think she has chosen to be overweight?

How would you feel if your "friend" did this to you. Took you dress shopping with a load of skinnier people and made you feel lesser because the only dresses they have are too small. She probably felt she couldn't say no!

Just wondering if we’re reading the same post. The OP said everyone loved the dresses and that it was her MOH who insisted on getting them and volunteered to lose weight by the wedding. At no point did she even suggest that she thought her friend had chosen to be overweight - the point being that she agreed to lose weight and instead, actually gained it. You seem very judgemental.