Page 13 | To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

scj96 · 2022-06-17T13:34:21+00:00

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes... I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them. Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses. I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

WishILivedInThrushGreen · 17/06/2022 20:26

YANBU.

She couldn't fit into the chosen dress.
You chose the dress based on her affirmation that she promised to lose weight.

She gained weight.

The dress won't fit.

You need to have a chat with her and say that the chosen dress, which she agreed to lose weight to fit into, will not fit.
Then ask her what she thinks might be a good solution.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 20:33

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 20:08

YABU.

Doesn’t matter how much she promised to lose weight, you should have thanked her for the offer but said no, that’s a completely unfair promise for you to have to keep, there’s plenty of other dresses or No that’s too much pressure for you, but thanks so much for the kind and considerate offer. It was your decision.

It’s on you that you went dress shopping so far in advance of your wedding. Any one of the MOH/ bridesmaids could easily have lost or gained any amount of weight in that time. Without being able to try it on in the first place, how’s she supposed to know it’ll fit and suit her even if she did lose weight?

It would be reasonable to be regretful that you made this decision and to wonder how to find a solution in a tactful way that won’t hurt your friends feelings. But to be annoyed with your friend over it? Definitely unreasonable.

Also sounds like you were looking at her clothes and watching what she was eating during your weekend away and you got annoyed and are now venting. You don’t have any right to judge her because you accepted a promise that was very difficult or impossible to keep. Especially given the circumstances she made it in.

You sound like you just don’t have a clue what it’s like to struggle with weight issues and aren’t very empathetic.

You’ve said several times that you’re concerned about your friends health..I think you’re just saying this to seem less self involved. You didn’t start a thread called “I’m so concerned about my best friend’s weight” did you? It’s about you and your wedding.

Worst outcome: you have to buy a new dress and it doesn’t match the other bridesmaids’. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

If I was in this situation I would go speak to your friend directly and say Look it was silly of us to choose a dress that was far too small so long before the wedding and ask for her opinion on what can be done to resolve the situation.

You could even let her off the hook entirely in a tactful way by telling her you saw something on a blog or wedding magazine about having a special dress for the maid of honour to distinguish from the other bridesmaids and fell in love with the idea and would she mind if you go with a different dress.

I think you're being unfair on a few different points here. You are right that I don't know what its like to struggle with weight to that level but I don't think that means I'm not empathetic.

Why do you think I'm not really concerned about her health? Like I've already said, I very much am but respect the fact that it's her body and her life and her decision to make. But that doesn't mean I can't worry. Wouldn't you if your friend was in that situation? I know I can't do anything about it because it's up to her, but the fact is I do have to do something about the dress situation. I don't think that makes me self involved.

About the clothes and her eating etc when we were away. I'm sure this will get misinterpreted like so much else on this thread, but there's nothing I can say other than it was simply obvious. I shared a room with her so I saw her clothing struggles every day when we were getting ready. She doesn't hide her eating so again it just does just stand out. That doesn't mean I'm judging her, but I also can't pretend like I didn't see it. Being honest, she struggled a lot while we were away, and even though I'm clearly not going to make a big deal of it, I don't see the point in pretending it didn't happen

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Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 20:36

TolkiensFallow · 17/06/2022 20:24

She’s probably worrying about it too…I think have a chat with her and see what she thinks, perhaps get her a new dress in a lighter or darker colour than the bridesmaids - ie if they are lilac, you could get her a bold purple. Then it will look themed and deliberate. She might offer to contribute to the cost but it sounds like she’s a good friend and it’s not worth losing her friendship over…

Yes there's absolutely no way I'd lose my friendship over this. I've known her since school and she's been my bestie ever since, I love her to bits. I don't want her to feel crap or upset. I know we'll find a solution but I just have a bit of annoyance because it's something else to sort out on top of everything else.

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TowerRavenSeven · 17/06/2022 20:42

Yabu. You should have never bought the dresses. This happened to me, my maid of honor also said she’d lose the weight. Very nicely, very casually I said, “No, I’m not sure this is the one anyway, I’d like to keep looking”. We then found a dress that she liked and fit. No one needs that kind of stress, you or her. Hopefully you can bring it to a seamstress and pay to have it altered.

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 20:45

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 20:14

How patronising. Her weight surely does not mean she can't make decisions and promises. Speaking to a child like that would be bad enough.

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The point is nobody can realistically promise that they will lose weight. Weight loss doesn’t work that way. What if she has a medical condition that’s undiagnosed that makes it difficult to lose weight?
And I’m not suggesting she literally uses those kind of words, just that there are ways to talk about it without being offensive or avoiding the issue.

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 20:49

@LadybirdsAreNeverHappy but the point is SHE made the promise, she insisted they buy the dresses. Maybe she shouldn't have. But she's a grown woman and OP shouldn't have to be out of pocket because the MOH insisted she would.

As she's lost weight previously she would know how difficult it is. She based her promise on that I assume.

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 21:02

scj96 · 17/06/2022 20:33

I think you're being unfair on a few different points here. You are right that I don't know what its like to struggle with weight to that level but I don't think that means I'm not empathetic.

Why do you think I'm not really concerned about her health? Like I've already said, I very much am but respect the fact that it's her body and her life and her decision to make. But that doesn't mean I can't worry. Wouldn't you if your friend was in that situation? I know I can't do anything about it because it's up to her, but the fact is I do have to do something about the dress situation. I don't think that makes me self involved.

About the clothes and her eating etc when we were away. I'm sure this will get misinterpreted like so much else on this thread, but there's nothing I can say other than it was simply obvious. I shared a room with her so I saw her clothing struggles every day when we were getting ready. She doesn't hide her eating so again it just does just stand out. That doesn't mean I'm judging her, but I also can't pretend like I didn't see it. Being honest, she struggled a lot while we were away, and even though I'm clearly not going to make a big deal of it, I don't see the point in pretending it didn't happen

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Because if it was that much of a concern to you, it would make the fact that she probably won’t fit into the dress seem trivial and you wouldn’t be asking if it was unreasonable to be annoyed at her.
Also, I think it’s a bit melodramatic to be “concerned about her weight” as her friend. Has she told you that her weight is affecting her life terribly? I don’t generally take notice of what size my friends are or how much they’re eating or how they’re clothes fit. It’s not my business. I would say I was concerned if they told me they had a health condition or something . Not because they have to wear plus size clothes.

Cameleongirl · 17/06/2022 21:06

As PP’s have said, I think you’d be wise to suggest looking for a new dress fairly soon-at least pick one out even if you wait a few months to order it. A friend’s niece got married a couple of years ago and one of her bridesmaids had a baby a few months earlier…like you, they’d bought the dresses early and discovered it no longer fit close to the wedding. Cue rushing around to find a new one.

Glitternails1 · 17/06/2022 21:24

scj96 · 17/06/2022 14:54

About £190

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If she can’t fit in the dress on the day then she will have to buy an alternative. Maid of honour usually has a different dress to the bridesmaids anyway.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 21:24

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 21:02

Because if it was that much of a concern to you, it would make the fact that she probably won’t fit into the dress seem trivial and you wouldn’t be asking if it was unreasonable to be annoyed at her.
Also, I think it’s a bit melodramatic to be “concerned about her weight” as her friend. Has she told you that her weight is affecting her life terribly? I don’t generally take notice of what size my friends are or how much they’re eating or how they’re clothes fit. It’s not my business. I would say I was concerned if they told me they had a health condition or something . Not because they have to wear plus size clothes.

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But as i've already said, the dress problem is one I need to solve. I can't solve the weight issue for her.

I really don't know what you expect me to say. We shared a room together for 5 days and got ready together, its pretty hard not noticing the clothing issues.

I don't see how its melodramatic being concerned about her as a friend with the weight she is. No she hasn't said its affecting her terribly, but when she's struggling walking up a couple of flights of stairs, am I just meant to pretend that its not worrying?

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LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 21:28

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 20:49

@LadybirdsAreNeverHappy but the point is SHE made the promise, she insisted they buy the dresses. Maybe she shouldn't have. But she's a grown woman and OP shouldn't have to be out of pocket because the MOH insisted she would.

As she's lost weight previously she would know how difficult it is. She based her promise on that I assume.

You are right. She shouldn’t have promised to lose weight. I’m just saying the OP shouldn’t have banked on her being able to keep the promise either and thought of a way to say no that wasn’t “because I don’t believe you will do it” which wouldn’t be that difficult.
How hard could the friend possibly have insisted on it anyway?
The question was, is the OP unreasonable to be annoyed with her. My feeling is, it was unrealistic of both of them to agree to buy a dress that was several sizes too small (not just an 18 to a 16, but a 22 to a 16) but ultimately the decision was made by the OP, so yes to be annoyed at the friend is unreasonable. Especially because she obviously made the promise with good intentions and you know, who knows what’s been on her plate in the intervening two years..maybe losing several stone to fit into a dress for a friends wedding fell from the top of her list of priorities.
As for being out of pocket, it’s one of those things. There’s always things that don’t go to plan in weddings. She could always say to her friend, you owe me money for the dress because you’re still too big to fit into it or you can pay for a new one out of your own pocket but she’s hardly going to do that.

Cameleongirl · 17/06/2022 21:33

Some of us do understand your concern, OP. My DH is concerned about one of his siblings, because he loves her. Her weight has been causing her health problems for about five years and she’s now pre-diabetic. But she’s an adult and he has to respect her choices.

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 21:35

@LadybirdsAreNeverHappy a 22 to a 16 in almost 2 years isn't unreasonable.

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 21:41

scj96 · 17/06/2022 21:24

But as i've already said, the dress problem is one I need to solve. I can't solve the weight issue for her.

I really don't know what you expect me to say. We shared a room together for 5 days and got ready together, its pretty hard not noticing the clothing issues.

I don't see how its melodramatic being concerned about her as a friend with the weight she is. No she hasn't said its affecting her terribly, but when she's struggling walking up a couple of flights of stairs, am I just meant to pretend that its not worrying?

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You said originally that you were looking at her over the weekend break and realised that she has gained weight and that there’s very little chance that she will fit into a size 16 dress and is it unreasonable for you to be annoyed with her over it. Now that has evolved into you watched her struggle to walk up a flight of stairs and are concerned for her health. If that’s the case, then IMO, you are just a bit self involved to be worrying about a dress. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 21:48

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 21:41

You said originally that you were looking at her over the weekend break and realised that she has gained weight and that there’s very little chance that she will fit into a size 16 dress and is it unreasonable for you to be annoyed with her over it. Now that has evolved into you watched her struggle to walk up a flight of stairs and are concerned for her health. If that’s the case, then IMO, you are just a bit self involved to be worrying about a dress. I’m sure you’ll figure it out.

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My god I honestly don't know how I can make this any more clear. They're two seperate issues. Yes I'm worried about her but I can't do anything about that because it is her life. The dress issue does need resolving and that is something I can do which is why I posted.

If you can't understand that then I don't think there's any point trying to discuss it further!

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LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 21:49

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 21:35

@LadybirdsAreNeverHappy a 22 to a 16 in almost 2 years isn't unreasonable.

Yes. In fact, it’s lucky she didn’t overshoot the mark and end up a size 10 in which case the OP would have to order her to gain weight to fit into the dress.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 21:53

LadybirdsAreNeverHappy · 17/06/2022 21:49

Yes. In fact, it’s lucky she didn’t overshoot the mark and end up a size 10 in which case the OP would have to order her to gain weight to fit into the dress.

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Just pathetic.

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lap90 · 17/06/2022 21:57

TowerRavenSeven · 17/06/2022 20:42

Yabu. You should have never bought the dresses. This happened to me, my maid of honor also said she’d lose the weight. Very nicely, very casually I said, “No, I’m not sure this is the one anyway, I’d like to keep looking”. We then found a dress that she liked and fit. No one needs that kind of stress, you or her. Hopefully you can bring it to a seamstress and pay to have it altered.

This is exactly how the conversation should had gone.

OP should also take some responsibility as the bride for how this has all played out.

Elephantia · 17/06/2022 21:58

As MOH, why doesn't she wear a skirt suit in a toning fabric, and make her dress into a top to wear underneath?

No, you're not a cow. She offered to lose the weight, and now she's put you in an awkward position.

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 22:00

@scj96 agree. You've taken enough on this thread.

You sound more than reasonable and a lovely friend. I'm sure you'll sort it out with you BF and hope you have the best wedding day.

Can I kindly suggest you hide this thread now, it can't be doing you much good

Dunnoburt · 17/06/2022 22:03

You're no friend if all that matters to you is her fitting in a bloody dress .... Very sad.

dolphinsarentcommon · 17/06/2022 22:05

Dunnoburt · 17/06/2022 22:03

You're no friend if all that matters to you is her fitting in a bloody dress .... Very sad.

Oh so go and read the bloody thread.

Tandora · 17/06/2022 22:06

Wow worst Aibu ever.
this is the meanest, most self centred Aibu I think I have ever read.
yabu.

Tandora · 17/06/2022 22:12

scj96 · 17/06/2022 21:53

Just pathetic.

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Actually it’s a perfectly logical point. Would you be annoyed if she lost too much weight and you had to get it altered/ buy a new dress to fit her new slimmer frame? Imagine the AIBU - my friend lost too much weight for my wedding.

Original poster

scj96 · 17/06/2022 22:14

No it isn't logical because I have never "ordered" her to do anything.

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