To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Your friend is an adult woman who insisted you purchase a dress for her that didn't fit. That's on her, and you should not be out of pocket to resolve a problem she created.
The way I see it, if she's unable to fit into the dress when the time comes, then it's up to her to find an alternative.
Her weight is none of your business, and by framing it as an expectation she diets, you are putting yourself in the wrong. All you have a right to expect of her is that she turns up at your wedding in a dress suitable for the role that fits her. How she achieves that is up to her.

Oh , lets scroll back through to see where the OP says
"Friend , I'm buying these BM dresses for my thin friends , and as a stick rather than a carrot , I'm buying this dress that is 6 sizes too small and you better slim yourself into it , otherwise ..well just don't bother showing up"

Ok , where is that ........Absolutelty No Fucking Where

Ok yes, that bit was over stated. But would you have asked “Aibu to be annoyed that my maid of honour isn’t fat enough for my wedding”

Yeah I accept that some of my first post was worded badly and I regret that. If you've read the thread, you'll see i've constantly said that her weight and health is fully her business.

I was a size 16 for my sisters wedding. Other bridesmaids were 8s. I absolutely HATED the dress my sister bought it looked terrible on me, so she said she was happy as I was the maid of honour to have a different dress. So I bought one that was the same colour but flattered my very different shape and it looked really good. I did pay myself for the new dress and the first dress I hated.

Or “Aibu to be annoyed that my maid of honour won’t put on weight for my wedding” rather

Not been on MN long have you?

Some posters on here must be myopic AF and thick as mince, to boot.

OP, you’re not being unreasonable.

Down to brass tacks: a very close friend convinced you to spend nearly £200 on a dress for her by making promises she has not kept. You’re now set to lose that money, and more, when you’re forced to buy a/many replacement(s).

Weight is such a touchy subject for some posters on here. These threads always go a similar way to the stepmother threads, with OP bashing whatever she says.

I shouldn’t have said “ordered” to be fair. I know she hasn’t been ordered to do anything. She did offer.

OP, I’m sorry I was too harsh on you. I had a similar situation but I was on the other end except it was that I was MOH three weeks before my due date and all the pressure about dress fittings etc was really stressful throughout the pregnancy.

In fairness to you, it’s totally different because you haven’t said anything to your friend, much less go on about it.

Loads of people have given good ideas on what you might do about the dress and I’m sure you’ll sort it all out.

Agree with this comment poor woman. I'm sure she had the best of intentions but significant and sustained weight loss is really hard (and she may feel that 9 months is still possible to achieve it, which may be a little naive perhaps)

Yeah I am deffo seeing that! I really didn't think it was that controversial to say you're worried about a friend who is rather overweight (I think that's a fair comment), but at the end of the day accept its her life and her business.

I appreciate your reply, and I also apologise if I snapped back too hard.

Life lessons here, never buy a dress with the promise weight will be lost to fit it. It never works.

OP I think this is where you were unreasonable. Why did you go up to her and tell her even if it was discreetly? You shouldve kept it to yourself and said you weren't 100% sure on them and wanted to keep looking. This was putting pressure on her to say what she said!

Anyway you can't turn back time so agree with everyone who has said get a different dress same colour!

@LadybirdsAreNeverHappy fair play to you 👏🏻

Bridesmaid dresses are a bit naff, just let her wear what she wants

Yabu having off the rack and no alterations for formal wedding attire.

I do think YAB a little bit U to be annoyed. But only because it's quite naive to think things were going to go the way you and your friend planned.

I went on holiday last week.

Said to myself I'd lose half a stone before i went. I get into patterns of comfort eating.

Every week for months I said I'd start the healthy eating and exercise next Monday - this week I was too busy, stressed, disorganised, something bad had happened etc...

Until it was the week or so before the holiday. I ate salad and did exercise - but it was too little too late.

I had good intentions, but ultimately I didn't achieve what I wanted to.

I actually put weight on, overall.

I felt pretty ashamed and like a failure. And I wasn't letting anyone down but myself. And I only needed to lose half a stone.

I imagine your friend feels awful, guilty, like a failure, like she's really letting you down on your big day. Or maybe they are deluding themselves like I did that they still have time.

I'd try to approach it with empathy. Have a conversation.

I would ask her to buy another one, in the same size, and id pay to have the two stiched together by a seamstress.

When I read the title I was all ready to tell you that YABVVU bit I don't think your title reflects what you're actually feeling at all. I've read most of your posts OP but not all the hundreds of replies so apologies if I'm just repeating stuff.
It's a difficult situation for everyone. You were in a no win situation when your friend said she could lose the weight, because as you've said, you could hardly tell her that you didn't believe her! She probably made a bit of a rash statement because she knew everyone else liked the dresses and didn't want to be the reason that they couldn't be chosen. And she probably genuinely meant it and believed she could do it at the time.She probably regrets saying that now and is likely also getting worried. You sound like good friends, neither of whom wants to upset the other but circumstances have conspired to out you in this very sensitive position.
You need to talk to her about it though. There's no solution that doesn't involve a potentially upsetting conversation as far as I can see but hopefully your friendship is strong enough to be able to discuss it.
I'd say you've got 2 options - "white lie" or "frank but kind".
You could go down the white lie path and say something like you are having second thoughts about the dresses and with hindsight you'd prefer her to be in something different to the other bridesmaids, as befitting her more senior status. She will probably know you're lying but it potentially gives you both a get out of jail free card whereby you get to change the dress without mentioning the unsuccessful diet.
Or you have to be a bit more blunt, but you can still be kind. Tell her that you appreciate her efforts but that you don't want her to be worried or stressed in the run up to your wedding. You love her just the way she is - that's why you asked her to be MOH after all - and you want her to be able to have fun on the Hen Do etc and eat and drink what she likes without worrying about dieting for the dress. You want the wedding to be a happy day for her too so can you just forget about that dress and go and find something that she will look lovely in and feel comfortable in without any changes.
Obviously that does still leave you with the issue of the other dress but maybe if you can't cancel it you could sell it?
I hope you can resolve things amicably and that you have a lovely wedding day.

I don't think OP being a cow. She's paid for a dress that won't fit her after she said she'd lose weight and now its going to cost her more in either alterations or a new dress.
OP, maybe you could ask her if she would like to try it on? Hoping for your sake that its not a difficult colour to match the others. A tricky one but She's put you in a difficult situation.

In this particular instant, please re read the op, about who originally suggested the weight reduction

Sounds like some PP got wind of an overweight person being belittled and have jumped in to defend her when no defence was needed.

OP - you ADNBU - your friend said she was happy with the dress. Some people are probably going to say 'oh but in that situation she probably would have felt embarrassed to say 'no can we go for a dress that has bigger sizes available' but tbh, that's not on you.

If she hasn't lost the weight she should get her own dress. I assume she will pay for her own dress as it's not fair on you and whilst she might have reasons for being overweight, you shouldn't have to incur additional costs on another dress, especially when she keeps saying things to suggest she intends on losing weight.

You are right to be annoyed - it's your wedding, she is your maid of honour and she hasn't taken the steps she said she would (off her own back) to get into shape. She should really speak to you if she has concerns about getting into the dress. As she is MoH, I assume you are comfortable talking to her about it - 9 months is still a long time for her to get into the dress but maybe you should raise it with her now as she might say 'yeah, it's not gonna happen, can I get a different dress'.

Can you swap it for another dress from the same shop? It will be different to the others but that’s unavoidable now. Presumably you didn’t go to a shop that always only produces up to a size 16 with a size 22 friend.

I think if I were the friend I’d pay a dressmaker to make something similar in a size that would fit me.

Your clearly judging her weight.
The fatphobia and some responses on here are horrific.
Oh and the health line.you don't care about her health you care about her size.youve mentioned it several times.health = weight.her size is not a health behaviour.if you were worried for her health you wouldn't need to mention size.it would be health behaviours...like stress,jobs,a little on movement and nutrition, sleep her emotional health.buf no you keep being g it back to her size and growing size.
And then how you've noticed it going up.youve talked to your dpabout her size like that! You've noticed her size and what she's eating.jeses Christ this is just YUK behaviour and deff sign that it's you who has the weight problem.as in it's a tho g for you.judgement.
Her size shouldn't be noticed like this.ir commented like this.
The problem shouldn't even have got here.because any suggestion for her to change for you in this manner should have been shot down as horrid in the first place.that IS NOT ABOUT HEALTH.restricting dieting losing that weight in sue would have been done with harmful behaviours.
She needs love and making her know she's fucking worthy and beautiful as She IS. If she changes or does actual health behaviours and a side effects weight loss so be it.but yo smaller herself for shame no no no