To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

No dress can be made 8 inches bigger. Altering it is a ridiculous idea. It has to be a new dress, ideally purchased a month before the wedding.

Some of the posts here are incredibly patronising to the MOH. Surely she’s a grown woman? So why should OP be effectively telling her she doesn’t know her own mind or capabilities re weight loss? Why is it OP’s responsibility to seek a dressmaker etc?

The MOH should be actively involved in the solution here.

You aren't unreasonable to feel secretly annoyed but of course you mustn't say anything

She put you in an awkward situation by pushing you to spend money on something utterly useless-- a dress that didn't fit her. And now it's even more awkward because you've got to broach it with her somehow, to convince her to accept reality that she is not a size 16, and either pick a new dress in the correct size or to convince her to get her measurements for a seamstress to sort this mess out.
And YANBU to be annoyed that you've got to take on all this bloody palaver and tippytoe around the issue (as you can see from this thread, some people get so upset when you even mention weight that they lose the ability to read) because someone was fantasizing about being something she isn't.
I wonder if there's a way to pass the problem back onto her to solve since she's going to have to participate in solving it one way or another and since she's already spent your money on this dress.

Ok so tell us, how is she supposed to ‘find a new dress’ without it being mentioned in any way shape or form to the MoH?!

The OP isn’t debating whether to tell her friend she’s a fatty and should go on a diet 🙄 She’s trying to figure out how to kindly and tactfully address the fact that the MoH has a dress which is never going to fit her. What you’re suggesting is basically what she’s trying to do!

But also, do you believe that the Op should bear the cost of the £190 dress that doesn’t fit as well as a new one? Really? Yes friendship is worth more than money but that doesn’t stop the MoH being a complete cf and if she doesn’t cover the cost of the dress.

Some of the posts here are incredibly patronising to the MOH. Surely she’s a grown woman?

But so is OP and she is making out like she was forced to buy them.

No one buys dresses 2 years in advance.
Especially ones that are the completely the wrong size.

If someone wanted me to buy them an expensive dress way different to the size they were at the moment I’d say no and that I’d wait until they’ve lost the weight so they can try it on and see if they still like it.

How many times do people try on clothes which fit but just don’t look nice on.

Its insanity to buy an expensive dress that you can’t get a refund for and hope it fits/looks nice, especially for something important like a wedding.

The weight gain/lack of weight loss is irrelevant.
Buying a dress without trying it on 2 years in advance so you can’t get a refund is the problem here - and that was OPs choice.

I think @PeekabooAtTheZoo has nailed it

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Oh @scj96 I opened this thread just to tell you you are completely unreasonable and a terrible friend.....but I was wrong.

You are an excited bride, which we've all been even though it's fashionable on here to dismiss weddings and pretend that families are friends don't get excited. You probably should have waited until nearer the time, but hey. All done now so you need to sort out the problem.

I'm overweight too and there have been many times I've promised myself that I will lose it. I don't because life gets in the way. It's not easy and you need to be in the right mindset. I've been your friend thinking "oh yeah, it's ages away I'll do it" and then fail.

It's also not your fault that you believed her because you have known her at a different size.

She will know that there is a problem and I imagine she is, like you, wondering how to broach the subject. You know her and love her so only you know what to say, not some randoms on MN. But the sooner you both deal with the issue, the more you can both relax and enjoy the run up to your wedding - which is exciting and should be fun.

You are not a terrible person or bridezilla, you are just a friend who made a mistake, believed something that wasn't going to happen would. All that matters is that your friend wears something that makes her look amazing at the size she is and makes her feel comfortable so she can support you on your important day.

My Er so how exactly was OP supposed to say no? ‘MOH, you can’t be pck guaranteed to lose weight, so no dress?’

The OP’s annoyance is one thing. But so

Is solving the problem.
MOH wanted the dress. She can’t fit. So she finds another dress.

OP has paid enough.

p.a this is why none of my BMs will have any dresses bought by me although we’re all the same size and has been for years … too many opinions.

I suggest you start with something like ‘I think I’ve changed my mind about your dress. As MOH I’d prefer you in something different but complimentary’ and take it from there. You’ll both know the real reason but it gives her an excuse and hopefully she won’t feel as bad about it.

i do believe that once anyone gets to the size 20+ then there’s an emotional component to it. I’m size 16 but know that’s because I’ve been a lazy arse over the last few years and need to do something about it (and I am). There’s members of my family much bigger and I know weight and eating is very disordered. It’s way more complicated than just ‘stop eating and exercise more’ as you’ve shown you appreciate. You may actually find that she’s increased in size due to stressing about fitting in the dress!
you sound like a caring friend, and not unreasonable to be a little pissed off that she persuaded you but I’m sure you won’t show that. If you can afford just to stand the loss then suggest you go shopping together for a different dress, a compromise might be that you sell the other one and go halves on the difference

Ive been in this exact situation! My moh was also my sister in law. Her weight fluctuates depending on what’s going on in her life sadly. When we went bridesmaid shopping she requested a dress which was 3 dress sizes smaller than her current weight. I didn’t want to argue with her but quietly said I was worried because if she didn’t fit into the dress then she would be upset. I wouldn’t be annoyed but just concerned for her. My MIL told me that my MOH could loose the weight and roll on a year later, she was heavier than before after going through a bad break up.
We had a night just us two getting things sorted for the wedding and she asked to try the dress on again. I left her to it and she realised it didn’t fit but didn’t have enough time to loose the weight. Instead we talked, she cried and I consoled her. We looked online and got her a similar style dress, in her size, in another colour. We told people it was because she was MOH since so many weddings have the MOH in a different coloured dress. She paid for the new dress.

I don’t get the hate you’re receiving as you’ve not asked for her to lose weight. Why not have a night/ day just the two of you and bring up the bridesmaid dresses. Have you got shoes or bags to match the dresses? If not this could be your way in to bring up the idea of her fitting into the dress. You’ll also need to do it so you guys have enough time to order a different dress if necessary. Although, she has a year so you never know!

Also, as a rule of thumb, I lose 1 stone per dress size. Given that bridesmaid and wedding dresses tend to be small, you’re looking at around 5 or 6 stone which is a lot in 9 months. Even if she managed 3 or 4 she’s not going to fit in the dress

So @scj96 - sorry in advance but TL:DR

But…I didn’t see that you had said what style dress and what type of alterations were needed. Anyway I have an idea.

if the dresses are still available, buy another one in the exact same size, if they aren’t, try and find a second hand one online (ebay or Facebook) and then use that one for the additional material for the alterations.

yes it’s buying an extra dress but she was going to need a new one anyway, and this way everyone will still match, and your friend doesn’t need to feel like the fat friend who has to have a different dress and will be less self conscious.

:) I hope this is an option

Ooft it’s going to be difficult to get out of this without someone feeling really bad.

The only way is to actually contact the dress shop and see if they still sell the style and will give you credit - assuming they can run to a 24 and you want to change the dresses. Then you can declare to the world you’ve changed your mind and really want something else.

The next best option is to have a quiet word with her to check in. She KNOWS she’s put on weight and will be all too aware time is running out. I’d go for a different complementary dress which suits her figure - nobody will think anything of it as she’s MOH and it’s likely to cost the same or less as butchering a dress which doesn’t fit. You may even get the store to give you credit on one dress if they won’t take back them all.

YANBU.

But never believe people when they say they’ll lose weight. They won’t. They’re that size for a reason. Any loss is always temporary.

I think that you were pretty optimistic to choose bridesmaids dresses that far out, to be honest.

There are lots of sites that do similar, coordinating styles so that everyone can have something that suits them rather than treating your nearest and dearest like identikit clones.

I let my sister choose a dress that suited breastfeeding my newborn nephew, unbeknownst to me my oldest friend just about squeezed into hers being secretly nine weeks pregnant in a very fitted gown, and my third bridesmaid picked hers to coordinate with the other two, having lost a lot of stress weight. They all looked their beautiful selves.

Can you find another dress in a matching colour? As annoying as it is I think you might have to suck up getting another dress to avoid the fall -out. I think you were all being a bit overly ambitious about the weight-loss. I suspect the bridal shop 16 would be much smaller than a high street one.

I was horrified when I was a bridesmaid for my sister and realised the dress didn’t fit the night before. I took off all the buttons and moved them a cm. Fortunately it was enough but it was an awful feeling and I never told her. The dress can probably be adjusted by a reasonable amount but a few sizes is likely to be a hard task. Only other thing I could think is whether a seamstress could add a corset back.

One thing I would say OP is don't broach the subject of her weight from a health point of view, however genuine you are and really mean it that it is just about her health. At least not until after the wedding. There's no way it wouldn't be interpreted as a dig to lose the weight to fit into the dress.

Have the conversation about the dress with her asap. Like ripping off a plaster get the pain out of the way quickly. The sooner you do it, the less time you and her have to spend worrying about it.

The way I'd deal with this is by saying you've had a change of heart and as she's your maid of honour you'd really like it if she wouldn't mind choosing a different dress and a different colour/shade/style so that she's different and it's obvious she's your maid of honour.

That way she might be relieved and offer to pay anyway.

You're not being unreasonable, she shouldn't have said she was going to lose the weight then not do it, she should have said that she wasn't sure about losing the weight so not to buy those dresses.

YABU.

Doesn’t matter how much she promised to lose weight, you should have thanked her for the offer but said no, that’s a completely unfair promise for you to have to keep, there’s plenty of other dresses or No that’s too much pressure for you, but thanks so much for the kind and considerate offer. It was your decision.

It’s on you that you went dress shopping so far in advance of your wedding. Any one of the MOH/ bridesmaids could easily have lost or gained any amount of weight in that time. Without being able to try it on in the first place, how’s she supposed to know it’ll fit and suit her even if she did lose weight?

It would be reasonable to be regretful that you made this decision and to wonder how to find a solution in a tactful way that won’t hurt your friends feelings. But to be annoyed with your friend over it? Definitely unreasonable.

Also sounds like you were looking at her clothes and watching what she was eating during your weekend away and you got annoyed and are now venting. You don’t have any right to judge her because you accepted a promise that was very difficult or impossible to keep. Especially given the circumstances she made it in.

You sound like you just don’t have a clue what it’s like to struggle with weight issues and aren’t very empathetic.

You’ve said several times that you’re concerned about your friends health..I think you’re just saying this to seem less self involved. You didn’t start a thread called “I’m so concerned about my best friend’s weight” did you? It’s about you and your wedding.

Worst outcome: you have to buy a new dress and it doesn’t match the other bridesmaids’. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things.

If I was in this situation I would go speak to your friend directly and say Look it was silly of us to choose a dress that was far too small so long before the wedding and ask for her opinion on what can be done to resolve the situation.

You could even let her off the hook entirely in a tactful way by telling her you saw something on a blog or wedding magazine about having a special dress for the maid of honour to distinguish from the other bridesmaids and fell in love with the idea and would she mind if you go with a different dress.

How patronising. Her weight surely does not mean she can't make decisions and promises. Speaking to a child like that would be bad enough.

I am going to speak to the shop to see if there's anything they can do, but I'm not hopeful. I do think the idea of getting it altered to fit is a lovely idea, but I think its a real long shot after some of the comments from dressmakers on this thread.

She’s probably worrying about it too…I think have a chat with her and see what she thinks, perhaps get her a new dress in a lighter or darker colour than the bridesmaids - ie if they are lilac, you could get her a bold purple. Then it will look themed and deliberate. She might offer to contribute to the cost but it sounds like she’s a good friend and it’s not worth losing her friendship over…