To be annoyed that my best friend/maid of honour won't lose weight for my wedding

[scj96]

I'm expecting to get a bit hammered for this, but here goes...

I got engaged about a year and a half ago, and we set the date for April 2023. Almost a year ago, myself and my bridesmaids had a couple of trips to go dress shopping. We saw a bridesmaid dress that we all absolutely adored, but it turned out that they only did it up to a size 16. My best friend who is my maid of honour is a bigger girl so it didn't seem like this was going to work. However she said, off her own back and unprompted, that she was going to lose weight for the wedding anyway and so we should get them. I told her she didn't need to do that but she insisted it was fine so we bought them.

Fast forward a year, and she's made almost no effort to try and get the weight off. I haven't raised it with her at all and left her to it, but having just been away for a girls weekend, it was quite obvious that she's now even bigger than when we bought the dresses (and bigger than she's ever been) and doesn't seem to be moderating her eating at all

The wedding is now basically 9 months away and I'm stressing that I'm going to end up having to find (and pay for, because I've already bought the current ones) new dresses.

I probably sound like an absolute cow, but AIBU?

Yes we have them. I think i'll try the shop, but with it being nearly a year since we bought them, I don't think they'll do much.

I've a mind to nominate this thread for classics, as a prime example of read the bloody post before you make an arse of yourself posting random rubbish.

@scj96 can you sell the dress on and try to get some money back that way?

Omg, the unwarranted abuse you are getting.

This boils down to hindsight. With the benefit of hindsight, she wouldn't have suggested the dresses, you wouldn't have bought them but both of you did what you thought was the right decision at the time and with the belief it would work out.

It's a horrible conversation to have to have with her. It's clear you want her in your wedding and are doing everything you can to make it happen.

Think the best options are:-

1. See is another dress it available so you have extra material
2. Talk to a seamstress in terms of options
3. Look for bigger complimentary dress (don't purchase it, 9 months is still a long time for weight loss or gain)

Once you know where you stand, you are going to have to talk to her. Make the conversation inclusive rather than using she or you, as in we were silly to purchase the dresses so long ago etc. Tell her you want her as your MOH but don't want her to be under pressure for the next 9 months. There's no nice way to have this conversation and it will likely embarrass her and will sting a little but she's overweight,not stupid. She knows the conversation needs to be had and may be relieved that you have a back up plan or want to see what she thinks.

Come on OP. Everyone on MN knows that the OPs words are maleable. It is our job as MN users to interpret up as down or left as right if we so choose and judge from our position on high on our own personal misinterpretation.

Heck, we don't even have an obligation to read the OP - mostly I can work off the title.

Look for bigger complimentary dress (don't purchase it, 9 months is still a long time for weight loss or gain)

Yes this is good advice - if you think it's inevitable that you'll need a different dress, do you even need to address it now? You say she's gone up a dress size since you bought it - who's to say she won't change dress size again within 9 months?

I think if you've made your peace with the fact she'll need a different dress, you may as well not say anything until it's closer to the time now anyway - unless you're planning on trying via seamstress.

Of course you're annoyed.. I can't believe most people wouldn't be? It was literally her choice.. If you'd have been even vaguely pushy, then that's a different matter.

Having said that, I do also understand from her perspective, too. Losing weight is hard, and sometimes being under pressure to do so can make people comfort eat even more.

Don't let this put any kind of downer on your big day, or on your friendship!

Maybe suggest you and your bridesmaid go together to pick something similar that will fit.

It's not ideal, and understandably not what you wanted, but not worth falling out over etc.

I know this is probably unlikely, but perhaps with 9 months to go, she plans to start trying to lose weight for the dress soon? However having read one of your updates where you mentioned the sizes, going from a size 24 to 16 in 9 months is a bit of a stretch (no pun intended!).

Surely she must be aware herself there is a problem, as she is well aware of what she promised and the wedding date getting closer. I appreciate how difficult it is to lose weight and how all good intentions can go out the window with life getting in the way, especially if she is an emotional eater, HOWEVER, she did promise knowing a lot of money was being spent.

Is the dress definitely non-refundable? Could you contact the shop and discuss it with them, maybe they can offer a solution so you don't lose money? If it wasn't for losing nearly £200, I'd just say to your maid of honour that you were thinking, and would now prefer your maid of honour to be in a different dress. She would probably be relieved as the wedding must be on her mind too. If you are going to lose the money, then you could sell the dress? Failing these, the only other option is to broach it with her gently.

There is absolutely no way that the dress will fit or can be altered.
So has to be a different dress.

Bung her some Saxenda. Works a treat. Probably would end up costing more than the dress though.

I'm the same size as your friend, and I've read all your posts.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. It sounds like maybe she egged you on to buy them because she wanted something to motivate her to lose weight - as a fellow fat person, I get that, but it wasn't fair to use your wedding and your money to be that motivation.

I think you need to have a chat with her, soon, about trying to return the dress and finding something else before it's too late.

I think your title is badly phrased because you aren't annoyed your friend won't lose weight (which would be unreasonable), you are annoyed that she insisted she would and badgered you into buying those dresses (very reasonable for you to be annoyed at this).
You sound like a caring and thoughtful friend, which other posters would know if they had actually read your posts - have a chat with her and work it out.
Also, I'd say this is prime daily mail fodder so get this thread taken down.

I'd be tempted to get in touch and say that now it's getting closer to your wedding, you've been reconsidering some of the details and you think it would be nice for her to wear a slightly different dress to emphasis that she's your MOH and not just one of the other bridesmaids. Basically, I'd give her an out.

She could potentially still lose weight, but not from a size 24 to a size 16 in the time that's available.

Before you approach her with the idea of a different dress, could you have a look for something gorgeous in a bigger size that would complement the other bridesmaids' dresses? That way it becomes, 'I saw this other dress and fell in love with it, don't you love it too?' and carries excitement.

You just saved me posting the same thing. It's as depressing as hell.
So many stupid people in the world.

I'd say this is prime daily mail fodder so get this thread taken down.

YY^^

YABU
This is your fault for buying a dress a completely different size and way in advance.

I am on average a size 12 but I have clothes that are smaller sizes and bigger sizes as all shops are different.

If someone was an average size 16 I still wouldn’t buy an expensive dress if they hadn’t tried it on as it might not fit them at all.

If they tried it on and it was slightly too big/small and they said they were planning on loosing/gaining weight then I’d buy it knowing they can have it altered if need be.

I don’t see the point in buying dresses so far in advance and many women will lose/gain weight or be pregnant etc.

This wouldn't bother me at all. Just arrange for a seamstress to do the same dress as the other one. Don't allow this to hurt your friendship as your friend is probably very embarrassed. Just lover her to bits and get her another dress.

I agree that the title is inflammatory though, and doesn't at all represent the issue. It's too late now, but I'd have been tempted to ask MN HQ to edit it.

I suspect that many people read the title and decided what their opinion was before they read any more.

I agree with this approach, but to add one option might be to engage with a dress maker to use the dress you already have.

I don't mean that it can be altered to fit in its present state, but it might be possible to use the fabric (in connection with additional complimentary fabric) to design something new and flattering that still "nods" and coordinates with the other bridesmaids whilst marking her out as the MOH.

I think you could end up losing your friend if you persevere
Sell the dress and buy one that fits, that she looks good in. Then you can all relax.
From your friend's point of view. I can imagine, in the embarrass ment of everyone under size 16 successfully trying on BMdresses. She probably would have suggested anything to get out of there.
She may well have had good intentions, but weight problems are often not just about what you eat, but about how you feel. She may have tried and tried again to diet or been yo-yo dieting in the past. Having a set date with everyone you know looking on, is quite a lot of pressure.
As her friend, maybe positive encouragement could help her focus on her health, rather than her weight/size. Eg things like.. Meeting for a park walk and coffee might give her some company to get her started, when she starts feeling better she'll have more chance of success in losing weight.

She now needs to buy her own dress or step down. No way would I fork out for another dress for her. You have already bought her a dress.

This.

I missed this one but it seems like a good idea.
it might be possible to use the fabric (in connection with additional complimentary fabric) to design something new and flattering that still "nods" and coordinates with the other bridesmaids whilst marking her out as the MOH

But you didnt have to say ‘You cant lose the weight’
You lie and say you dont really like them dresses or just insist they dont feel right

Even with your logic of , ‘It was 2 years to lose weight’

From a size 22 to go to a 16 would take a very long time and if it was that ‘easy’ im sure she would of done it before

You will just have to buy her a different dress but very close to the wedding

sorry just caught one of your updates and I can see that it was your friend who insisted on getting the dress. She probably feels bad about doing that. And its is concerning to leave getting the dresses sorted quite close to the wedding. I hope you find a solution in plenty of time so you can both relax and have a great wedding day