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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL being too intrusive and demanding

118 replies

Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:03

MIL is 85 years old & is constantly being too intrusive/demanding. She phones us 4-5 times during the week after work (we get home 630 roughly) Weekends are the worse constantly phoning us during the day & if we are not in she will phone DH mobile to see where we are/what we are doing. During the week when we are at work she constantly phones/leaves messages for DS21 & DD18 sometimes they are busy with work, college/Uni or with friends it’s so exhausting it’s unreal. Always wants to know what we are doing, expects DH to drop everything for him to go running round there. Have spoken to DH but he doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem also spoken to MIL too. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable here to think this is excessive or am I wrong?

OP posts:
HSKAT · 16/06/2022 20:07

She's lonely.
Do you go to see her?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:09

Yes I agree she is lonely We go to see her Sundays when we can but we can’t go during the week as we work

OP posts:
bluejelly · 16/06/2022 20:09

It is totally excessive. I would stop answering the phone.

iRun2eatCake · 16/06/2022 20:10

Is it your mobile she phones? If so block
If it's the landline, let it go to answerphone

bluejelly · 16/06/2022 20:10

Tell her you are too busy/exhausted and can only speak twice a week. Then stick to it (unless there's an emergency).

babyjellyfish · 16/06/2022 20:11

She probably feels like no one cares about her.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:12

To be honest DS & DD don’t even answer the phone now cos when they do she asks them intrusive questions & becomes demanding with them - I don’t pick up phone it does go to answerphone but then she will continuously phone until we pick up

OP posts:
pictish · 16/06/2022 20:12

Your dh can have daily contact with his mum if that’s what he chooses. Your kids are old enough to conduct a relationship themselves too. If you don’t fancy entertaining her, don’t.

Campervangirl · 16/06/2022 20:13

Yep, she's lonely.
My dm (84) has just died, I'd give anything to talk to her again 💔
Us old folk are annoying but we just need our families and to feel loved.
Remember that inside that 80+ year old body is the young girl she was, full of love and feelings. ❤️

lisavanderpumpscloset · 16/06/2022 20:14

Does she live alone? Are you her only family, or only family nearby? How has your relationship with her been over the years?

The reason I ask all this is that, if I were her only family, she's alone and we generally got on well, id be thinking about what I could do to be around for her more.

She's 85, maybe she wants to make the most of whatever time she may have left with you all

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2022 20:16

Perhaps your husband should make more of an effort to spend time with his mother, or at the very minimum a couple of pleasant phone calls a week.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:17

She does not live alone she lives with my FIL. Plenty of family around - yes I totally agree she is lonely however we do work & have lives of our own as in working/college/Uni weekends for food shopping & household chores (yes DS & DD do their fair share during the week before anyone asks)

OP posts:
ThisIsNotThePostYourLookingFor · 16/06/2022 20:18

I agree with others that she’s lonely but that doesn’t excuse the demanding and being obtrusive. Is it always the same conversation when she calls? If so I would answer but politely cut her off and say you will see her on Sunday as usual.

luxxlisbon · 16/06/2022 20:19

If your husband doesn’t have an issue with it then leave it. What’s wrong with her calling his mobile when you’re out? If he’s busy and can’t speak he can say that.

If my husband tried to tell me it was too much to speak to my mum most days I would tell him where to go to be honest.

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:20

She will phone for anything - like for example “oh it’s raining have you noticed” “can I have lottery numbers” “I went to the shops today” it’s becoming like any excuse for her to phone & I don’t get phone no more as it’s highly annoying now

OP posts:
pictish · 16/06/2022 20:22

luxxlisbon · 16/06/2022 20:19

If your husband doesn’t have an issue with it then leave it. What’s wrong with her calling his mobile when you’re out? If he’s busy and can’t speak he can say that.

If my husband tried to tell me it was too much to speak to my mum most days I would tell him where to go to be honest.

I agree. Your husband has no issue. Leave him to it.

turquoise1988 · 16/06/2022 20:22

What intrusive questions is she asking?

Is it possible she is experiencing dementia-type symptoms and can't remember calling all the times before?

I appreciate that it is difficult when it feels constant and you also have a life to live. One day though, it could be you.

HSKAT · 16/06/2022 20:23

Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:20

She will phone for anything - like for example “oh it’s raining have you noticed” “can I have lottery numbers” “I went to the shops today” it’s becoming like any excuse for her to phone & I don’t get phone no more as it’s highly annoying now

She is literally trying to make conversation with you?
DH is happy to speak to his mum, as I'm sure most people are, let him carry on.
Imagine him telling you your mum can't ring when she wants?
We all get old, she just wants some conversation.
This will be you one day.

Anonymouseposter · 16/06/2022 20:30

Is this new behaviour or has it been like this for a long time?

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:32

Kind of been for about last 2 years like this

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 16/06/2022 20:33

Your husband needs to call her a couple of times a week even if he can't visit more.

What was your relationship like when your children were younger? It's

Original poster
Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:34

Good relationship when they were younger but now as adults they find it too much at times

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 16/06/2022 20:37

luxxlisbon · 16/06/2022 20:19

If your husband doesn’t have an issue with it then leave it. What’s wrong with her calling his mobile when you’re out? If he’s busy and can’t speak he can say that.

If my husband tried to tell me it was too much to speak to my mum most days I would tell him where to go to be honest.

This just sounds like normal light conversation, not demanding or intrusive.

girlmom21 · 16/06/2022 20:40

Safarigiraffe · 16/06/2022 20:34

Good relationship when they were younger but now as adults they find it too much at times

No what was your relationship like with her? Yours and DH's? Did you see her more regularly? Did you rely on her?

Littlebirdyouaresosweet · 16/06/2022 20:41

2 years? Covid has affected people and their relationships ime.
Maybe she feels she didn't show enough appreciation pre Covid? Maybe she is grateful to still be here with you all.

Even if you aren't!!
😄
For the record my ils never had my mobile number!