MIL being too intrusive and demanding

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is 85 years old & is constantly being too intrusive/demanding. She phones us 4-5 times during the week after work (we get home 630 roughly) Weekends are the worse constantly phoning us during the day & if we are not in she will phone DH mobile to see where we are/what we are doing. During the week when we are at work she constantly phones/leaves messages for DS21 & DD18 sometimes they are busy with work, college/Uni or with friends it’s so exhausting it’s unreal. Always wants to know what we are doing, expects DH to drop everything for him to go running round there. Have spoken to DH but he doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem also spoken to MIL too. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable here to think this is excessive or am I wrong?

Why are people asking about her relationship with her MIL. What’s her relationship with FIL like or other family members. Is she ringing them as often.
My PIL didn’t speak to each other so they would ring their children for an hour a night at least. Thankfully they wouldn’t ring mobile phones.

Presumably more than you do now? I think she's just sad the contact has tailed off.

Not saying it is this necessarily at all, but like a couple of other posters I read your OP and my first thought was to wonder if this is new behaviour for MiL- has she always asked probing questions like this and called you a lot? I just wonder if she's becoming a bit more disinhibited, and also whether there's a chance she is forgetting how often she's calling you? Might be neither of these at all but I would maybe take note of whether you're noticing any changes in her thinking skills or behaviour.

@Rubyupbeat
Thank you, I'm heading towards 60 too, I'm still the same mentally but hopefully a little smarter 😉❤️

She sounds like my ex mil! Couldn't go a day without phoning or texting us and we hadn't phoned during the day cos we were out we'd get the where have you been I've been so worried about you cos I haven't heard from you all day. It wasn't just us she phoned either. If she saw something happening outside the window she'd be straight on the phone to one of her friends to tittle tattle. And no she wasn't bloody lonely!!

MIL isn’t a lonely person, she lives with FIL, plenty of family/friends around who she visits as well

She’s 85, for God’s sake, she’s likely not going to be here for much longer. I do hope you don’t find your kids treating you the same way when you get to her age…

People can live with other people and still be lonely. As for the "intrusive" questions - she is interested in their lives. your DD and DS are like many of the younger generations and don't make time for older relatives. It's a shame. Maybe you could all ask her about her life, what she's doing etc.

DH isn't bothered so the rest of you mardy bunch can block her number, right?

How much contact is your own mum allowed @Safarigiraffe?

Ridiculous. I dont treat DS and DiL like this. They have their own lives to live.

You all sound pretty mean to be honest. It wouldn"t kill your kids to speak to their gran a couple of times a week.
It's not a crime to ask family inane questions she just wants to connect with you all.
Let's hope your kids still want to bother with you when your old.

Your second post said she is lonely, your most recent said she isn’t as she lives with FIL. Which is it?

I do think you are being a bit unreasonable. She is getting on and wants to stay in contact with family. You say it’s been like this for two years, can you remember what it was like two years ago? She probably is still reacting to life in the same way as she was during lockdown. Craving that human contact with her wider family and the only way to do that is via the phone. Yea she sees you now weekly but for the rest of the week she is reverting back to the phone

It wasn't her behaviour before, it's a change that's happened in the last 2 years.

Given that she isn't lonely as she lives with FIL and has a lot of contact from your DH and the rest of the family, my first thought would be either mental health (poss triggered by Covid) or dementia.

I hear you OP. Similar situation here, only OH is the only one they're interested in. If the kids answer the phone it "doesn't count" so they'll keep ringing until he does. Sometimes ring 3-4 times per evening & nothing really to say.

It's hard because they are lonely and want to be involved, but the frequency and persistence can be draining.

Why don’t you all try calling her and making conversation with her so that she doesn’t have to resort to a barrage of questions?

Its fine.i don't think a 10 minute daily phonecall is too much

If you have already told her it's excessive and she hasn't stopped, it's unlikely to. Maybe if you and the children block her and just let your DH be the contact, he might begin to see how his DM's telephone demands are too much - and he c@n look at creative alternatives ie she joins some groups for the elderly, so she has conversation. Does her DH have a view?

She is 85. Ffs. Is she lonely? Poor lady.

When i am older i might be a bit lonely as i am a quiet person with a very small group of friends.

however, i won’t be intrusive with my children - i won’t expect them to take care of me and to feel obligated - especially if i am draining! They have their lives to live and enjoy.

Hopefully we will still be close and i will get to be a part of their lives - but no guilt, obligation, intrusiveness etc.

I wouldn't call that overly intrusive.

Not sure why you can't as a family have a set day each to phone her
Sounds like she is old and lonely , might be you one day and you are setting the example for your children re giving a bit of time and kindness to the older generation

This is a good idea. Make sure you’ve got some talking points ready so that she doesn’t feel like she has to pull the conversation out of the kids with inane questions.

I wonder if she's maybe starting to experience some dementia type symptoms and doesn't remember she's already phoned.

Do you think they would consider a sheltered housing scheme where she might be able to join in activities with people of her own age?

Also, I don’t think Pp’s suggestion of blocking her number is a very sensible idea. She’s 85. They fall. They have emergencies. They sometimes need help.

I'd also find this intrusive, up to you DH to manage. I hate speaking to most people on the phone though.