MIL being too intrusive and demanding

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is 85 years old & is constantly being too intrusive/demanding. She phones us 4-5 times during the week after work (we get home 630 roughly) Weekends are the worse constantly phoning us during the day & if we are not in she will phone DH mobile to see where we are/what we are doing. During the week when we are at work she constantly phones/leaves messages for DS21 & DD18 sometimes they are busy with work, college/Uni or with friends it’s so exhausting it’s unreal. Always wants to know what we are doing, expects DH to drop everything for him to go running round there. Have spoken to DH but he doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem also spoken to MIL too. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable here to think this is excessive or am I wrong?

Is she able to get out and about? Could you help her to find friends who she would enjoy hanging out with.
And friends she could telephone for chats too. Penpals to write letters too.
Plus some other hobbies - knitting, crosswords, jigsaws, audio books - anything to keep her brain actively doing something.

Don’t know what the answer is but PP’s saying it’s normal behaviour are not getting it!

It’s excessive. And not sustainable for anyone to be able to do their job etc.

It doesn’t mean you are being cruel or anything. My GD became like this to the point where it became like harassment. No dementia was formally diagnosed. It drove my family member who he mainly called mad. It became relentless. Then after he died it transpired he indeed had been suffering from it. Put this behaviour into context. They maybe do not recall they’ve called. Or not cognitively able to think about their actions in this way, whilst appearing very much in tact, able to look after themselves etc.

I was going to say similar to this. My DSD entertained himself with hobbies and interests right up to when he died aged 90. He was on his own for several years after DM died. He knew he could phone anytime he needed any help. He also lived in sheltered accommodation so although he was very private he saw people just to say hello in passing.

Yanbu you’ve clearly said MIL does not live alone and has other friends and family but she still calls multiple times a day, and repeatedly if you don’t answer the phone. How anyone can think that’s reasonable is beyond me. You are not cruel for not wanting to be harassed. It does sound as though it could be health related if it’s new behaviour - perhaps you could raise this with your DH so he can gently broach with PIL? Otherwise as others have said I would block her and perhaps just call once a week for a short chat. Your DH can carry on as he is if he’s happy but he should at least explain to MIL that your DC are really busy with college etc so it’s likely won’t answer her calls.

So much loathing for older people on MN, the agism is really depressing. I hope all of you calling her intrusive are completely ignored when you're that age.

Living with someone is no proof that she's not lonely. And we're coming out of a weird 2 years. Such lack of empathy.

Actually @Brefugee many people have said that the level of contact is not too much.

I'd find a phone call pretty much every single day after I finished work intolerable. Doesn't matter how much of a well of sympathy I'm meant to have for someone, after a day of working and talking to other people I have nothing left to give.

Yes she may be lonely but it sounds like she does have other sources of company and/or the increase in calls may be caused by cognitive decline. What happens if the phone isn't answered and goes onto voicemail?

Maybe she doesn't like those other "sources of company"? maybe they blank her as much as the OP and her kids? How many women post on here that their "D"H just slumps on the sofa every night? or only does his hobbies without her? There are many ways to be lonely.

The simple solution here is for the OP to block the number as she so clearly wants to. The DCs? meh up to them but maybe they might could be a bit kinder, if they made the occasional phone call back to her, they could say "sorry, busy now" when she calls them?

It seems the DH is happy with the level of communication so why not take the regular MN advice and leave his family to him and get on with your life, OP?

My parent's neighbour is ringing their doorbell several times a day to tell them minor things.
He's lonely but we also assume that he is starting to have Dementia.

Posts like these make me sad.

Just to be clear, I speak to MIL when I can on the phone so does DH and DS/DD, she is not ignored, has plenty of other family around & friends she sees on a daily basis. Phoning us 4-5 times after work/college & constantly phoning our mobiles if we are not in until we pick up the phone isn’t on either, we do go round when we can & she does on the most part expect DH to go round at times when we just want to be home/relax together

Why doesn’t your DH ring her once a day. It won’t harm him. I’m always reading on MN of women talking to their mums everyday.

your darling kids sound rude to be honest. They can text. I bet like most kids their phones are stuck to their hands texting their mates, looking a YouTube videos etc. i bet they have been quite happy to take the birthday and Christmas money off grandma for years. So it is pay back time.

she is 85. Not many years left. Might be tomorrow. She is lonely. Probably frightened as to how suddenly she is 85 when she feels 30. Cruel. All of you.

MIL does not have a phone to text them, my DS/DD do talk to their gran on the phone about 2-3 times a week however she will then phone them constantly throughout the day, also as I have said before me/DH talk to her on phone every day but then she will constantly phone us after 4/5 times after work and weekends if we are not home she will phone us until we get the phone

I'd suspect dementia myself, she probably keeps forgetting she's called you.

Might be worth a quiet conversation with the FIL, my parents tried to conceal the extent of my mothers dementia until she got so bad dad simply couldn't cope on his own any more.

It might be time she was assessed by the memory clinic if she hasn't been already.

As a PP said, you WILL miss them when they're gone, annoying ways and all. Today is my first Father's Day without a living father.

It's very entitled behaviour and selfish. Why should OP and her DC give in to this behaviour. A phone call and visit weekly is more than enough, maybe speak on different days so it breaks the week up a bit for her. I honestly wouldn't expect my children to speak several times a day and harass them my calling multiple times.

I'm astonished at all those saying it's fine. Of course it's OK to talk to someone every day if you want to! It's not OK to be guilt tripped to engage every day if you don't want to.
I'd arrange a call one night per week, a visit at the weekend then absolutely cut her off at other times. You, that is, not your DH. He should manage it however he needs to. I don't think your kids should be obliged to answer the phone to her either.

I suspect early dementia - when someone starts to behave inappropriately and intrusively it often means that the parts of their brain that restrain their behaviours and tell them what is and what is not reasonably acceptable have started to wear out.

I am widowed and live alone - and am nowhere near 85! - but know how hard it can be not to contact family when you are feeling bleak. The things that stop me are an awareness of their busy lives and being able to remember how I was at their age. I still have the tools in my brain to stop me over-stepping the mark and becoming a bloody nuisance - and I lead a busy life.

If MIL is doing this even though she has her OH there, then I would suspect that something is beginning to go awry in her brain. As to what you do........ you could stop picking up every time, and then explain you were busy when you next speak to her. Or you could have set times for meeting her each week. Is FIL with it? Does he realise what she is doing and know it is a bit out of order? Can he intervene?

Could you simply say, very kindly, I am sorry but we are often quite busy and cannot pick up, but we will see you as arranged each week (or whatever you arrange).

Your OH sees no problem, but is he on the receiving end of the calls? If it is to a home phone then maybe get him to answer? Or you could divert the calls to you to him.

Or could you fix up WhatsApp? - or is she not able to cope with this? This is how I keep in touch with my AC - we make very brief contact several times a day.

It sounds as though things are not going right for this poor lady. I hope you can find a reasonable solution that takes into account everyone's needs.

Sorry the above has been posted on the wrong thread.

Speak to Age UK and get her hooked up with a befriending service.

Given it doesn't sound like there is a cause (like loss of FiL) for the increase in calls and they are excessive and it sounds like a obsessive, I would probably assume it was a sign of deteriorating mental faculties.

Is there anyway to suggest that she gets dementia screening that won't go down like a lead balloon?

I don't think you can reasonably stop her calling. You need to find a way to adjust how you think about it and manage it so it doesn't impact too negatively on your life.

If your DH wants to go round to see her - is that maybe because he's worried about how she's changed? Or has he always put her before you and your kids? To some extent I think you need to treat this aspect separately from her calling constantly - he may be responding to her calls, but it seems it's his choice to prioritise time with you over a non-urgent request from his mum that's the really issue with that. What;s the reason behind that choice? A concern for his mum, or a lack of concern for you?

*it's his choice to prioritise time with you over a non-urgent request from his mum

Err, wrong way round!

it's his choice to prioritise a non-urgent request from his mum over time with you.

Why is everything dementia on these threads. I think sometimes people do things because they can and they get into the routine of things and can’t get out of them.
I imagine it starts as a novelty and turns into a habit. Before we had mobile phones we couldn’t do this, so we didn’t. We’ve all got in the habit of being constantly in contact with each other because we can.

my friends dad is doing the same. He isn’t even that old. He has been widowed a long time and has retired. He’s bored and is having trouble finding structure to his day, so he rings my friend incessantly, especially now she works from home. There’s no issue mentally. He’s just got into the habit. She has to find projects/jobs for him to do to keep him occupied. Now she’s moved closer he keeps turning up because he can.

I kind of get it OP, my parents are in their 80s, in poor health and are currently driving us all mad, they are doolally (not dementia, just doolally) they always have been but now its just getting worse, my mum needs me to help her physically, my dad wants to go to pub everyday with ALL of us or he goes stir crazy, however, they are in their 80s, this will not go on for ever, they love us, we love them (and tbf they do give us a never ending amount of things to laugh about, the fuck wittery will go on to be legend within the family! ) We all try to accomodate their wants and needs in the knowledge that the time of having them in our lives is becoming short, so basically, suck it up buttercup, she is 85 afterall

We ALL went round today to see them, gave FIL his gift for Father’s Day today, yet since 130pm when we left MIL has phoned us 4 times more just to make random talk so I actually after the 2nd time of getting the phone told my husband to get the phone - I have no issue with MIL phoning but when we have been there morning and come home to relax as a family to eat dinner (after all it’s DH Father’s Day too) & MIL phones 4 times more to chat about random things it’s becoming too much (loads of family/friends around her she definitely is not lonely)

That’s a great idea.