MIL being too intrusive and demanding

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is 85 years old & is constantly being too intrusive/demanding. She phones us 4-5 times during the week after work (we get home 630 roughly) Weekends are the worse constantly phoning us during the day & if we are not in she will phone DH mobile to see where we are/what we are doing. During the week when we are at work she constantly phones/leaves messages for DS21 & DD18 sometimes they are busy with work, college/Uni or with friends it’s so exhausting it’s unreal. Always wants to know what we are doing, expects DH to drop everything for him to go running round there. Have spoken to DH but he doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem also spoken to MIL too. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable here to think this is excessive or am I wrong?

Many of us have asked the same question, could your MIL have dementia?
The constant phoning is jumping out at me. A person suffering with Alzheimer's for example short term memory can be affected.
Perhaps bring this up with your DH and have him discuss with your FIL/MIL.

If she doesn't and she is just being a pain with the constant phoning the mere suggestion of Dementia might stop her in her tracks!

OP you don't seem to have acknowledged the many posters, including myself, who have raised dementia as a possibility?

The fact that you went there this morning, and she called four times this afternoon to make random chat...come on! Something clearly isn't right here.

Your posts all seem full of frustration and assumption that she is doing this because she wants to annoy you. I would put money on the fact that her brain health is deteriorating.

It is not up to you to say anything, but maybe your DH should try and broach the subject sensitively with your FIL.

I do feel for you OP, it's bloody hard. But do try to remember that ageing is horrific. Having watched close family members get to their 80s and 90s and just completely change personality really. Become needy, demanding and frustrated. Having seen several people with very different personalities basically display the same behaviour as they got older I realised it's just a reaction to getting old and infirm. As a society we don't talk about it enough which makes it really tough for the old person and their families.

Do remember as well, your children are learning how to treat you when you get old. And it will happen to you.

True

Bloody hell that's awful

my mil is 85, lives alove and is, I am quite sure, lonely from time to time. We visit with the kids once a fortnight and my husband phones her twice a week or so.
What you are describing is waaay too much and a good way to push people away, in my opinion. No advice but loads of sympathy for you here

Christ that's so invasive. I'd not answer the phone and encourage DH to agree that he will call her daily or whatever he's prepared to do. Once he has to deal with all the interruptions unaided he might decide to have a discussion with her about reasonable boundaries.

not sure if this has been said before: have you actually told her to stop?

I understand how frustrating this may seem to you.

She may be lonely AND she may not even realize how often she has called, how often she has talked or how often she has asked question(S).

This is something we had been through multiple times with elderly & not so elderly but a younger person with early onset dementia

If this is how she has always been but more excessive or a newer gradual thing then you may want to consider having her checked.

Unplug the landline. Most people don't use them anyway and only have the line for broadband. That way she'll just ring DH mobile and job done.

Instead of letting this drive a wedge (such as being mad she calls during week but complain abt calling on the weekend as well), why not talk to her. Explain you are busy & set a time once or twice a week where you do have a few mins to spare. And if dh doesn't have a problem, that's wonderful for both, let him call/deal w her. Doesn't have to bitter. But one day, you will all miss those calls.

I agree with this. One day you'll be old yourself and I'm sure you'd be hurt if you knew that a family member was refusing to pick up the phone.

Of course you're busy, but have a bit of compassion.

Once people get to that age, it's entirely possible that some close friends have died. Your mother-in-law may not have anyone else to talk to.

I've just realized that she has a husband. But she obviously craves contact with your family and it won't hurt you to be kind. Realistically, it won't be for many more years.

I don't think you are being unreasonable not to want to be rung 4 times in the afternoon after seeing someone that morning. That is very weird and way too much.

And I'm not impressed by the guilt tripping "oh youll miss them when they're gone".

The fact that everyone's life is of a finite span, is not a reason for us to be dickish to our sons and daughters in law while we are alive. I'd be mortified if you told me I was going to be ringing my son's home this often , and would be interrogating my grandchildren daily about their private lives.

I didn't have children in order for them to service my needs every few hours. I want them to have their own lives.

And the ringing repeatedly when there's no answer?? There is not a lot of tolerance for entitled behaviour elsewhere on Mumsnet - but entitled is exactly what it is.

Absolutely agree with you @ValerieDoonican

Sounds like she has MH problem? Possibly onset of dementia?

She's 85 it won't be a problem for long.Show a bit of tolerance and live

Personally I think its too much. She has a husband and needs to find other interests. Your DH needs to set boundaries with her. We are going down this route at the moment. Calls all the time. DH is just over there now fixing their washing machine. Something always needs fixing or is urgent and a drama ensues. Despite the fact we have children and full time jobs. FIL is getting tested for dementia but MIL seems to be the problem. I can see a long road ahead.