MIL being too intrusive and demanding

[Safarigiraffe]

MIL is 85 years old & is constantly being too intrusive/demanding. She phones us 4-5 times during the week after work (we get home 630 roughly) Weekends are the worse constantly phoning us during the day & if we are not in she will phone DH mobile to see where we are/what we are doing. During the week when we are at work she constantly phones/leaves messages for DS21 & DD18 sometimes they are busy with work, college/Uni or with friends it’s so exhausting it’s unreal. Always wants to know what we are doing, expects DH to drop everything for him to go running round there. Have spoken to DH but he doesn’t seem to think there’s a problem also spoken to MIL too. Any advice? Am I being unreasonable here to think this is excessive or am I wrong?

In your position I would block her number. She is your mother in law not your mother. She is not your responsibility. If your husband wishes to be interrupted umpteen times a day that's up to him, but you don't have to be.

It sounds like it might be dementia taking hold. I would suggest your husband talks to his Dad about this behaviour and advise a visit to the GP.

You'll miss her when she's not around to call anymore.

I'm really surprised at some of these answers! Lonely or not, it simply isn't appropriate to call so many times each evening. That's more than once per hour! It also isn't normal to call to make such pointless comments. My elderly family members have never behaved like this. I'm sure that have felt lonely sometimes, but they have also had enough insight to recognise that I have an extremely busy life working, putting children to bed in the evening and just swing other things with people. From my perspective I have always been mindful that life can feel lonely as people get older, especially if widowed and/or with limited mobility. As such I have always tried to make an effort to spend time with them and and enjoy activities together. This has always been done really willingly on my part. I suspect I would have been far more controlled about contact if I was encountering this.

I adore my elderly family members and miss so much the ones who have left. However, I could not cope with multiple calls each evening!!

It is excessive and understandably annoying, but at the same time, she is elderly and lonely and I think she deserves some extra patience. My mother, who is not too far from the same age, can also excessively phone me. Sometimes I wish she didn't, but at the same time I recognize that this is not going to last forever. If your husband is okay with this, can he not be proactive in phoning her a couple of times a day for short calls so that her social need is largely met by him? The others in the family can answer or ignore her calls depending on what they are doing. I speak to my mother now for five minutes on the way to the bus in the morning, and five minutes on the way home, and that seems to keep her largely satisfied.

@Campervangirl how lovely and how very true.
I am nearly 60, but haven't changed from the girl I was, well mentally anyway.
Loneliness is a dreadful thing, she just needs reassurance that she is still part of your lives.

Could she have Alzheimer's?
How is her memory in general?

If your husband wants to speak to her every day-then that is entirely his choice. The kids will do what the kids want to do.
If you see her every Sunday, have you tried to set a new pattern? YOU phone her for a 10 minute chat on a Wednesday say, ask her about her week, focus on her. Then say you have to go, ironing, laundry , whatever. But stick to that pattern, if she phones at other times, say you are busy but looking forward to your catchup together on 'Wednesday'.
Its sort of re-training, managing her expectations to match yours!
Good luck!

You always always get the you'll miss them when they're gone posts on these threads. Not everyone will bloody won't miss it.

This is your blokes thing to deal with, he doesnt mind. Let him keep her entertained.

My dad is 82, my mum died 10 yrs ago.
I wfh so we have an arrangement I phone him at 830 before I log on and he phones me at 6 as we finish tea. He comes over for my lunch half hour once a week and I meet him for brekkie on a Saturday. I'm the only child. We both know where we stand and he gets contact with me.

Wouldn’t you miss any close family member that wasn’t around any more? Doesn’t make the incessant calls any more bearable or excusable!

As an introvert and pretty private person in general this would drive me insane OP. Not sure what to suggest except what others have said, i.e letting your dp field all the calls.

@Wisenotboring But have you not considered the possibility that she may be experiencing dementia-type symptoms and may not realise how many times she is calling? It is a possibility, particularly given her age.

OP, you haven't answered the question about the intrusive questions she is asking your children. What kinds of things is she asking?

Basically wanting to know where they are going, doing, what time they are going/coming back, what friends are going/how many etc

Absolutely, it could well be a warning sign. But there are numerous comments suggesting OP is just being somewhat callous towards the reasonable behaviour of a lonely lady.

If it wasn’t for the fact that DH is an only child I’d say we had the same mother in law. If we can’t pick up the phone because we are busy/driving etc she calls repeatedly until she gets an answer. I mean repeatedly., we don’t tell her when we go away or do anything nice as she gets annoyed at us for going out but not dropping everything to be at her beck and call. She even cried because we had a nice day out together and went to an outlet place. She could have come…well no it was a day out for us. DH sees her twice a week but she phones 3 times a day with every bloody passing thought. Her latest was to call at 3am on a weeknight to go to A&E because she’d been sick. She threw up once but wanted to go to hospital. So she woke us up when we have work then demanded to go to hospital and I refuse to take up A&E time like that.

Also thinks our car is a free taxi at her beck and call. She wanted DH to take her for her vaccine, it was 11am on the first day of training in his new job. It’s a 5 minute taxi ride or a bus journey from
a bus stop a few hundred years from her front door. The hassle from her over that never stopped, twice daily calls demanding he take her and his work would just need to accept it.

You can’t actually stop her calling. She won’t stop.

You need to manage it from your side just block her or accept when you have time. If you or DH wanted to, you could find her more to do - she sounds like she is a bit short of a life for herself.

That's taking an interest, surely?

Oh well OP, your kids are learning exactly how to treat the elderly from you, so when it's your turn to be old, and in need of additional contact, they'll ignore you, and maybe their spouses will tell them not to speak to you so often, and your grandchildren will ignore your calls...

Given her age, and the fact that this is a relatively new thing I'd be thinking dementia, not "She's so annoying!" I say this as someone who's dad has end stage vascular dementia and Alzheimer's. The diagnosis explained a whole host of seemingly odd changes in his behaviour.

Just to be clear I have not said to DH for his mum not to phone/see her I am basically saying she’s being too demanding & intrusive with us

Don't answer the phone and let your DH deal with it. Job solved.

These are just typical questions a grandmother will ask to show interest.

Can you answer my question about how much contact you had with her when the children were young?

Lol, you demand an answer?

@gamerchick you know and I know there's a reason she's not answering that question.

She doesnt actually have to answer the question. I didn't demand anything. But she'll know too. And she should perhaps reflect on that.

girlmom21 - here’s your answer to your question, I had a reasonable amount of contact with her when the children were young

Has everyone misses the fact that this elderly woman does not live
alone ? Her husband is there. We had a similar issue with an elderly relative. My sister called her from her car phone on the way to work . Ten minutes and then , naturally she had to go into work. I called after 6pm news , then had to go " clear up " .
Problem with the DCs is that constantly hassling them makes LESS interested in contact. Why is that so hard for older people to understand? Guilt tripping people does not work and makes people want to completely avoid you.
But she is not your mother , it is your DH responsibility to engage with her.