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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop paying for dds driving lessons

118 replies

Hellandhighwaters · 16/06/2022 15:26

My dd (18) was initially bought 20 hours of driving lessons for her 17th birthday last Spring. She had some personal problems over the summer and despite having weekly two hour lessons failed to make progress and changed instructors in October last year. We continued to pay for all of her lessons beyond the original 20 bought for her birthday. She made more progress with her new instructor and booked a driving test in June (today) four months ago as it was the earliest available date.

She is in full time education, but has a part job in retail at the weekend and some savings from her 18th birthday. She failed her first test today and is understandably very upset especially after the length of time she has been learning (and having private practice with me in my car). She made a serious error almost as soon as she left the test centre which put her off and made her go on to make further silly mistakes.

We have invested a lot of money for her to learn to drive and I have been happy to subsidise her lessons up to now as it is an important life skill. I’m not upset that she has failed and just want her to be the safest driver she can be, but after a year of paying for lessons, think that enough is enough. We are paying £180.00 per month which we can afford, but I would like to now put this aside to save for a much needed holiday.

She is currently looking to get a cancellation for another test and is very grateful for the lessons we have paid for. I don’t think she will be able to afford to continue weekly lessons if she is paying out of her own money, but aibu to say the bank of mum and dad is now closed?

OP posts:

420Bruh · 16/06/2022 15:28

Why would you punish her in this way?

If she can't afford them on her own then she will have put in all that work for nothing. If you can afford it why not keep paying for her? Is she otherwise ungrateful?

Beamur · 16/06/2022 15:29

I would maybe offer to pay for another few lessons if she can get a cancellation or maybe split the cost?
Nerves can really get the better of you in your driving test. All the best drivers pass 2nd time 😉

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2022 15:30

She's taking lessons, but are you and your husband taking her out yourselves to drive?

Panamii · 16/06/2022 15:30

I would keep going until she can take the test again. Something like this could leave her feeling really down and unsupported.

MrsBrianODriscoll · 16/06/2022 15:31

I would pay for a few intensive lessons close to the test, continue to take her out in your car and then after if she fails a second time them BOMAD would shut up shop.

Takingabreakagain · 16/06/2022 15:31

Many people fail their test at the first go out of sheer nervousness. If it was a lack of effort or failing to go to the lesson when they were booked I could understand but your OP shows she is trying.
Perhaps you could agree with her to pay half the lesson fee?

Floella22 · 16/06/2022 15:31

Tricky.
Does your dd want to carry on?
Could she pay half and try for a bit longer.

My dd began lessons at 17, gave up at 22 after 6 tests and fails and finally began again at 29 and passed her first new test.
She just wasn’t ready at 17.

user1487194234 · 16/06/2022 15:31

I would continue to pay ,seems a real shame not to

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2022 15:32

I don’t think she will be able to afford to continue weekly lessons if she is paying out of her own money, but aibu to say the bank of mum and dad is now closed?

If you can afford it, I think it's would horrible of you to stop helping with lessons. She needs to get her license.

itsmellslikepopcarn · 16/06/2022 15:32

This seems pretty mean to me. You’ve supported her this far but now she’s failed she’s on her own? Surely if she can’t afford to carry on the lessons it will just have wasted your money as well as she’s unlikely to pass next time without a few more sessions?

whowhatwerewhy · 16/06/2022 15:33

Yes I would keep paying if you can afford to . It's very difficult to pass your test and very demolishing when you fail .

RaaRaaLaLaLa · 16/06/2022 15:35

YABU. She failed. So you keep going. You don't just tell them that's their chance and they are just never going to learn to drive.

Has she never undertaken any other activities? Did she score a goal in her first football match or you would have thrown her kit away? Did she fall off the beam at Tumble Tots so you never took her back?

stepuporshutup · 16/06/2022 15:35

Wow kick her when she is down why don't you

Alliswells · 16/06/2022 15:37

Ah she came so close! I'm sure it won't take too many more lessons to pass. Her disappointment at failing will be compounded if you tell her no more lessons and the last year will be wasted. Keep going for now x

Wickywickyyow · 16/06/2022 15:37

I really believe driving is an important life skill. We don't have a lot of money but prioritised ds1 learning and luckily he passed first time. He's 18 and it's really opened up a lot more opportunities for him that he wouldn't be able to take up otherwise. He's got a decent job for the summer to save up for uni in September so it has oaid for itself already.

I would continue paying.

SeemsSoUnfair · 16/06/2022 15:37

One of ds's friends took 3 goes to pass, both fails were just unfortunate incidents on the day that any new/or even some experienced drivers could have failed for.

If you stop her lessons now it would mean all your investment was a waste of time and does feel like a punishment for failing. You see it as an important life skill, yet are giving up on her on the first hurdle? That doesn't make sense.

I would cut back to 1 hour lessons a week and take her out as frequently as possible in the meantime to get more road experience.

MrsBrianODriscoll · 16/06/2022 15:39

Just read this out to DS, who has a test date in November.

His reply, so she was supported every step of the way and now she is a "failure" she is on her own, seems harsh.

His words not mine.

TheDivineOddity · 16/06/2022 15:41

Sounds like your daughter can drive but just hasn't passed her test yet, you should be proud she's improved enough to enter for her test.

You've stated you can afford it so be a decent parent, back off with the pressure and pay for her lessons until she passes. Not everyone gets in the first timers club.

Maebybaeby · 16/06/2022 15:41

You can afford it, she's in full-time education and you've been happy paying up till now - if you choose now to be the point that you stop funding her (with no prior warning), there's no way that she won't see it as a direct 'punishment' for failing. Very harsh.

Afterfire · 16/06/2022 15:42

You can’t stop now. She will see it as you punishing her. Agree a set amount of extra lessons and then say you can’t afford it beyond that. That’s fairer if you have to.

bakewellbride · 16/06/2022 15:42

Seems harsh and unfair to me. It's extremely common to fail the first attempt. DH passed third time lucky and is now a paramedic and the best driver I know. I also passed third time.

Vikinga · 16/06/2022 15:42

I think it took 32 or 39 lessons and a fail in theory for my eldest to pass his test. For me, it wasn't just about passing a test but being a good driver. I rather he was confident and experienced before having his license.

So I would continue with pared down lessons and take her out in your car every day or most days so it becomes second nature to her.

babyjellyfish · 16/06/2022 15:43

You want to discontinue her lessons because she failed on her first attempt?

YABVU. Especially if you know that she won't be able to continue to pay for them without your help. It means she'll have to start again from scratch, probably several years from now, and most of the money you've already spent will have been wasted.

I paid for all my own driving lessons when I was 18, despite also being in full-time education and only earning about 25 quid a week, which is roughly how much driving lessons cost back then. I had literally no money for anything else. I couldn't afford to buy clothes, or a drink in the pub.

I managed it, and I passed on my second attempt, and I'm glad I did it, but 18 years later I still feel that my parents, who lived somewhere without any decent public transport, should have helped me.

Afterfire · 16/06/2022 15:43

Also - it took me 4 goes at 32 to pass. The thing that made the difference was driving EVERYWHERE between lessons, in my mums car, literally every journey we went out (we lived together!) I drove. And then I did an intensive 5 day course and passed at the end of that. I’m convinced I didn’t pass the first few times because I wasn’t getting enough practice and road sense.

Original poster

Hellandhighwaters · 16/06/2022 15:46

Thank you for your replies so far, I do take her out for private practice in between lessons. When I say that we can afford to pay for them, I just mean that we are using the remainder of the money we have left available after bills and expenses that would otherwise go into our savings account. We have been prioritising her lessons over saving for a holiday and will not be going away this year. She earns a small amount from her retail job, but does have a nice sun of money in her savings.

OP posts:

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