To stop paying for dds driving lessons

[Hellandhighwaters]

My dd (18) was initially bought 20 hours of driving lessons for her 17th birthday last Spring. She had some personal problems over the summer and despite having weekly two hour lessons failed to make progress and changed instructors in October last year. We continued to pay for all of her lessons beyond the original 20 bought for her birthday. She made more progress with her new instructor and booked a driving test in June (today) four months ago as it was the earliest available date.

She is in full time education, but has a part job in retail at the weekend and some savings from her 18th birthday. She failed her first test today and is understandably very upset especially after the length of time she has been learning (and having private practice with me in my car). She made a serious error almost as soon as she left the test centre which put her off and made her go on to make further silly mistakes.

We have invested a lot of money for her to learn to drive and I have been happy to subsidise her lessons up to now as it is an important life skill. I’m not upset that she has failed and just want her to be the safest driver she can be, but after a year of paying for lessons, think that enough is enough. We are paying £180.00 per month which we can afford, but I would like to now put this aside to save for a much needed holiday.

She is currently looking to get a cancellation for another test and is very grateful for the lessons we have paid for. I don’t think she will be able to afford to continue weekly lessons if she is paying out of her own money, but aibu to say the bank of mum and dad is now closed?

The timing would very much feel like kicking her when she is down imo.
So unless I REALLY couldn’t afford it, (ie I was going without essentials) I would continue paying

I think stopping after she has failed her test will feel like a punishment and that maybe you don’t have faith in her to pass. It was her first test. Her nerves got the better of her. Take her out to practice often and let her try again but maybe say that after she tried a second time suggest she also contributes to the lessons.

Yeah, that would be really bad timing and makes things so much worse.

She's trying her best, behaving appreciatively, upset that she failed and wouldn't be able to afford it otherwise? I think it'd be selfish to stop paying at this point to save for a holiday. It'd be a different story if she wasn't putting effort in/could afford it herself etc.

I think it's mean to withdraw funding because she failed.
Having said that she probably doesn't need more lessons just lots of practice. Once the test is booked a couple of lessons the week before should be enough.

Why would you stop now? You’re helping her to acquire an adult life skill that takes time money and patience

Sometimes you don’t pass at first but if you stop it will cost more in the long run when you start again.

We currently have 2 learning that cost as much as a mortgage but we see it as an investment in their futures, one has a test in 2 weeks which I hope he passes but if he doesn’t then we will certainly keep him learning till he does

oh and try an app, it seems to be the best way to secure a test slot sooner

This.
If you're happy for her to stop having lessons and for the progress she's made to date to fizzle out if she genuinely can't afford more lessons then stop paying for her. What a waste of the money you've spent on her driving so far thought

Honestly, i would continue to pay. Everyone learns driving at a different pace, which you must have realised when you originally booked the lessons. DD's friend who is 18 has just passed in her 3rd attempt.

I would keep paying, it will be useful in the future.

Driving lessons are only going one way in price and that is up.

Don't give here an excuse to stop now.

PS I passed on my 4th attempt and have never had a crash!

Mine get the first 20 hours as a 17th birthday gift then have to contribute towards the rest (£45 a month in our case). Could something like, splitting the cost or further lessons, work for you?

I don’t think YABU at all. Explain the situation maybe pay every other month for her if you can or pay the next test. I paid for most of my lessons and passed on my 4th my parents paid towards a few lessons and a test or 2, I had a part time job and just had to pay my way. I do t think your a terrible person maybe your timing isn’t great having just failed but she should also be able to take some of the responsibility paying for it imho

Is there a compromise here? Ask her to contribute a small amount?

I'd keep paying too. Driving is a really important skill in terms of future employment opportunities. As someone else said if the lessons were a present last year could you make the new lessons this years gift? Would relatives be willing to chip in for vouchers for her birthday too?

If she is taking her drIving training seriously, you should continue supporting her. Failing does not mean a lack of effort.

Thanks for all the replies. My dd was aware that there was a potential time limit to her lessons not being paid for by us after the year mark for a long time ahead of her test. This had included discussions around whether she could just pay for a few of her own lessons if she failed (ahead of her second test). I also said that I would happily increase the amount of private practice we did together. I realise I did not make this clear in my first post. My dd I have had a nice chat today and I will continue with taking her out for private practice at every opportunity - we will continue to pay for lessons every other week. I am neither disappointed or angry with her and could not be more proud of how she has handled herself today.

I agree. It doesn't seem like a kind thing to do.

I passed on my 6th go. Paid for all my lessons over many years, many interruptions to learning - it was so expensive and I had nobody to take me out to practice so every penny paid was mine and I earned beans. I kept going and just had to do it. No help from parents (they paid for my sister to learn when she was a teenager - not me!)
What a let down if you stop now because she failed once.

Can you pay 50:50?

Slightly over the top. I think there would come a time when you must stop paying and your daughter can resume paying for lessons herself. 18 is an adult, and maybe she cannot pay for lessons now but can later.. There has to be a point after 12-18 months when you stop paying for them.
You could offer an intensive course that last three days. I did one of those, though about 15 years ago, and it suited me more than weekly lessons.

potential time limit to her lessons not being paid for by us after the year mark for a long time ahead of her test.

when you say “potential” what does that mean? Ie if you fail we won’t pay anymore?

If you can afford to help her as you say then I would give her the financial support with her lessons until she passes. I don’t know how it would affect her if you stopped doing it. Hopefully she will pass soon x

I can’t believe you post this
on the actual day she failed her first test!

Op the reverse happened with DS , he paid for all of his lessons and three tests .
He wanted to give In after fail number 3 .I begged him to continue and paid for his lessons and final test .
Just waved at him as he drove off to work.
If you can afford it continue paying, if you can't tell your DD what you can afford. It would be such a waist if she doesn't try again .

I think the average person passes on their third try, therefore you were being unreasonable to expect her to pass first time imho.

circumstances are slightly different now given the waits for test slots so if you can afford it I think you should continue to pay for what you’ve offered - fortnightly lessons and practice to keep her skills fresh. Otherwise you risk jeopardising a waste of everyone’s time and money so far. Your dd could easily make a budget decision she’d rather go travelling or something and pick up driving again later on.

If you'd stopped paying after the initial 20 and asked her to pay from her birthday savings from then on, it would have been fine, but as you continued to pay I don't think you can stop, on the day she failed a test, without it feeling like your punishing her.

Read the OP. Yes