To stop paying for dds driving lessons

[Hellandhighwaters]

My dd (18) was initially bought 20 hours of driving lessons for her 17th birthday last Spring. She had some personal problems over the summer and despite having weekly two hour lessons failed to make progress and changed instructors in October last year. We continued to pay for all of her lessons beyond the original 20 bought for her birthday. She made more progress with her new instructor and booked a driving test in June (today) four months ago as it was the earliest available date.

She is in full time education, but has a part job in retail at the weekend and some savings from her 18th birthday. She failed her first test today and is understandably very upset especially after the length of time she has been learning (and having private practice with me in my car). She made a serious error almost as soon as she left the test centre which put her off and made her go on to make further silly mistakes.

We have invested a lot of money for her to learn to drive and I have been happy to subsidise her lessons up to now as it is an important life skill. I’m not upset that she has failed and just want her to be the safest driver she can be, but after a year of paying for lessons, think that enough is enough. We are paying £180.00 per month which we can afford, but I would like to now put this aside to save for a much needed holiday.

She is currently looking to get a cancellation for another test and is very grateful for the lessons we have paid for. I don’t think she will be able to afford to continue weekly lessons if she is paying out of her own money, but aibu to say the bank of mum and dad is now closed?

I passed at 17 on my third attempt. I was still at school but had a Saturday and holiday job and they paid for lessons. My parents didn't have a lot of money and after my second fail, they said they would pay half of further lessons so that's what we did. I think that was fair. My dad also took me out a lot for practice too.

I'd get the next test date. Then say you'll pay for 2 lessons in the week running up to it & in the meantime take her out as often as possible, not great with the cost of fuel, but cheaper than lessons! Aim for most days!

if she was ready for the test, she needs practice not lessons.

what mistake did she make today?

I hated the whole process of learning to drive, and it took me 5 goes to pass!

I'd have been devastated and felt so un-supported if my parents had refused to continue paying after that first go.

By they I meant my parents paid for lessons, not the money made from my holiday job!

Ask her for a contribution - lessons are expensive and if it’s her money she’ll appreciate it more.

I think I only passed as I couldn’t afford to fail.

I have two learning and it adds up!

has she saved for a car?

Totally unreasonable. I’m sure she did her best and will feel like this is a punishment for failing. Poor girl will have her confidence knocked. You ought to be encouraging her to keep going and try again, and this is NOT the time to impose conditions on her. Remember who will be driving you about in your old age!

My son failed his test first time by making an error almost a soon as he left the test centre, he rebooked and I gave him some lessons in my car. He watched numerous YouTube videos on how to pass and what instructors looked for and this really helped. He passed perfectly the second time. Good luck to your daughter.

Poor kid. Why stop now when she's so close? Has her instructor put her in for another test? See if she can get a cancellation, take her out as much as you can to boost her confidence. However you frame it it looks like you're sort of penalising her for failing. Take a cheaper holiday.

It's money down the drain then... She failed once, it's not like her 17th attempt.

Then I'd match what she puts in to the pot.

Can she pay for 1 hour and you the other, each week?

Or if she's got savings could she do a weeks course with the test at the end of it?

Its an even bigger waste of money for you to pay for all of this, and now stop knowing she can't afford to continue - you have literally flushed your own money down the toilet.

I failed on something similar, but passed on my second attempt. Both my sons passed second time. Driving is very important I’ve spent a fortune on paying for lessons and tests, but now they’ve passed, have nice cars and good jobs that they couldn’t get to unless they drove.

If you had of said she was lazy or missing lessons - but are you really going to enjoy your holiday knowing it meant your daughter could not get her license? I would go again and then if she fails a third time maybe - but it’s not uncommon to fail the first time.

This.

YABU - If she doesn't drive herself you'll have to drive her places yourself, plus its an important life skill and will open up her employment opertunities.

Does she really need more lessons at this point, or just more practice?

I was so nervous my first driving test that I failed in the first ten minutes! I’d have been beyond gutted if my parents had withdrawn their support at that point. I’d get another test booked in for a month or two, weekly lessons, but daily driving practice with you. Ds had his test postponed due to covid, but he drove me everywhere that summer, and passed first time once tests reopened. I’m on a low income, but prioritised lessons and family helped too (eg paying for X lessons as a birthday present) and I believe if you can afford it you should.

Seems a shame after all she's done and the investment you've already made. If you can afford it I'd keep going.

I was so nervous my first driving test that I failed in the first ten minutes! I’d have been beyond gutted if my parents had withdrawn their support at that point.

Exactly. I failed my first test catastrophically and they were entirely my own fault - one of my major fails was repeatedly failing to check my mirrors. Even though I knew perfectly well to check them I was so nervous I completely went to pieces. Driving tests are like pancakes; the first one doesn't count!

But if my parents had withdrawn their support at that point on the basis that I'd had long enough, I'd have been devastated.

YABU. As pp have said, if she doesn't continue from here all previous lessons are wasted. I'd support her to keep going. We all make mistakes.

It doesn't answer your question directly, but have you and your daughter considered her learning in an automatic? It took me longer than usual to learn to drive and I got on heaps better in an automatic and passed my test that way. This was ten years ago; now I think it makes even more sense to learn in an automatic as cars are going to be electric before too long.

It might be worth at least having a trial lesson in an automatic and seeing what happens.

I would carry on paying if you could afford it but only one hour a week. It took my DD almost two years and three tests to pass, she was ready for giving up and we insisted she carried on, she hasn't regretted it, but it was very expensive and frustrating at the time.

If her instructor feels she’s ready for her test her lessons will only be practice runs, ask the instructor if there’s any benefit to weekly tests or if she could cut back to fortnightly ones and keep up the practice with you

I think if you've started, you probably need to keep it up. I funded my own driving lessons from my part time job at that age, but my parents always paid for the tests. They said that once I started, I wasn't allowed to stop until I passed, and after I failed first time, they booked me another test that day.

I think that if you can afford to pay for her lessons then its rather harsh to stop. Kids generally respect their parents paying for these big milestones.