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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop paying for dds driving lessons

118 replies

Hellandhighwaters · 16/06/2022 15:26

My dd (18) was initially bought 20 hours of driving lessons for her 17th birthday last Spring. She had some personal problems over the summer and despite having weekly two hour lessons failed to make progress and changed instructors in October last year. We continued to pay for all of her lessons beyond the original 20 bought for her birthday. She made more progress with her new instructor and booked a driving test in June (today) four months ago as it was the earliest available date.

She is in full time education, but has a part job in retail at the weekend and some savings from her 18th birthday. She failed her first test today and is understandably very upset especially after the length of time she has been learning (and having private practice with me in my car). She made a serious error almost as soon as she left the test centre which put her off and made her go on to make further silly mistakes.

We have invested a lot of money for her to learn to drive and I have been happy to subsidise her lessons up to now as it is an important life skill. I’m not upset that she has failed and just want her to be the safest driver she can be, but after a year of paying for lessons, think that enough is enough. We are paying £180.00 per month which we can afford, but I would like to now put this aside to save for a much needed holiday.

She is currently looking to get a cancellation for another test and is very grateful for the lessons we have paid for. I don’t think she will be able to afford to continue weekly lessons if she is paying out of her own money, but aibu to say the bank of mum and dad is now closed?

OP posts:

Sixlittlenightmares · 16/06/2022 15:46

This is harsh. Very few people pass first time you know.

Perhaps reduce the number of professional lessons and take her out more with you?

FWIW, my dad wouldn't let me ever drive his car. I had to pay for my own lessons. He then went on to teach my sister how to drive in his car. That made it clear to me who exactly was the favourite with my dad!

Fenella123 · 16/06/2022 15:47

Seems a little harsh - I thought your post was going to be, "We always offer to take her out practicing but she never bothers" or some other failure of effort, scheduling or commonsense, but ... she just screwed up the once during her test.

It's OK to say that you're hoping to start saving for a holiday soon so you'd like to take her out for lots of practice with a view to passing next time, though.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/06/2022 15:49

Hellandhighwaters · 16/06/2022 15:46

Thank you for your replies so far, I do take her out for private practice in between lessons. When I say that we can afford to pay for them, I just mean that we are using the remainder of the money we have left available after bills and expenses that would otherwise go into our savings account. We have been prioritising her lessons over saving for a holiday and will not be going away this year. She earns a small amount from her retail job, but does have a nice sun of money in her savings.

Continuing her lessons is worth the sacrifice, and this sacrifice will be much, much more insignificant if you get her out driving as much as humanly possible. Prioritise it. Morning, night, whenever. The more she drives the better chance of her passing her next test.

AppleKatie · 16/06/2022 15:50

yabu
if you’d given 20 lessons as a gift and then she was on her own that’s fair enough but to link the withdrawal of support to a failed test is extremely unkind.

Passthewinebottle · 16/06/2022 15:52

Our DD got 10 lessons for her 17th & now we are sharing the cost, we pay for one, she pays for the next & so on.

WhatTheWhoTheWhatThe · 16/06/2022 15:53

Seems like something that should have been agreed in advance as in we’ll pay up until your first test but if you don’t pass we will need to you to fund further lessons. Telling her now seems a bit punitive and she’s already probably quite upset. I’d compromise and ask for a contribution from her and an agreement of how much more you are able to pay for.

squashyhat · 16/06/2022 15:54

"I still feel that my parents, who lived somewhere without any decent public transport, should have helped me".
😂

VeryQuaintIrene · 16/06/2022 15:56

It took me a lot of lessons and 3 goes at the test, and I did something very similar on my first onr. I'd have been terribly upset if my dad had just decided to abandon the whole enterprise. Some people take longer than others to get it - you've spent the money already basically on nothing, so please keep going and it will be worth it for everyone eventually when she does pass, which I'm sure she will.

Berthatydfil · 16/06/2022 15:56

If she is good enough to consider taking a test then she doesn’t really need instruction - driving experience is what she needs now. When mine were learning every time I needed to drive anywhere I offered to let them drive me.
I’m not saying stop the lessons but maybe cut them down and tell her that you will only pay for a certain number more but you will let her drive you whenever possible

cheesychips15 · 16/06/2022 15:57

You said she's looking for a cancellation. If she isn't already aware, there's loads of apps/websites that can do it for you. I used driving test genie last year, got a cancellation three weeks after my first test and passed second time.

If she does that and only needs a few more lessons I think it would make sense for you to pay for a few more lessons, or at least go halves with her for them.

User3568975431146 · 16/06/2022 15:57

Why would you stop paying for her lessons?!!! She's your daughter, she sat her test, didn't pass so now she's had her one chance you and your money walk away? What message does that send out to her? We'll help you but only if you don't fail?

Give your head a serious wobble and pay for her lessons for goodness sake.

Oh and she shouldn't have to be "grateful" to you for paying for lessons. You're her parent, that's what parents do!!!

TheTurn0fTheScrew · 16/06/2022 15:58

If you have the money this seems a bit harsh. If funds were limited it might have been better to discuss this upfront with her, and give her the chance to save up to pay for more lessons on top of the 20hrs you've funded before she started learning.

I learnt to drive at 25, and reckon I had about 40hrs tuition (an average of three lessons a fortnight) for 6 long months. I think it would have been so much harder to stop learning and try to pick it up later.

babyjellyfish · 16/06/2022 15:58

squashyhat · 16/06/2022 15:54

"I still feel that my parents, who lived somewhere without any decent public transport, should have helped me".
😂

What?

PipeScatter · 16/06/2022 15:58

I'm erring towards YABU but only because I think you need to discuss it with her first. You've already gone beyond the first 20 offered, which is very nice of you, but to cut it off now will likely pull the rug from beneath her.

When I learned, my parents paid for the first 10 and were very explicit that any more after that would have to be funded by me. I somehow fluked my test after only another 7 lessons. The fact that I was having to pay for them myself was a great incentive!

What does her instructor say? Is she otherwise ready? Would a lesson every other week plus drives with you in between for practice be enough to keep her on top of her skills while she waits for another test?

StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind1 · 16/06/2022 15:59

You sound like you're disappointed and annoyed at her.
This may not be the case but this is Exactly how it's coming across.

caringcarer · 16/06/2022 16:01

She had first set of lessons for 17th birthday just tell her new lessons are part of 18th birthday present.

caringcarer · 16/06/2022 16:01

She had first set of lessons for 17th birthday just tell her new lessons are part of 18th birthday present.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/06/2022 16:01

Fenella123 · 16/06/2022 15:47

It's OK to say that you're hoping to start saving for a holiday soon so you'd like to take her out for lots of practice with a view to passing next time, though.

In all fairness to the OP, the daughter here had a serious error at the start of the test and then went on to make other silly mistakes.

If I were you, OP, I'd sit down with your daughter and come to some agreeable and mutual arrangement that she must apply to resit the test as soon as possible and you'll continue to pay for the lessons. If she doesn't pass it the second time, then, and only then would I say that you're not going to pay for every lesson but she has to pay for some herself. If she doesn't pass after the 3rd attempt, that's when I think the BOMAD should cease trading on this issue.

Ohthatsexciting · 16/06/2022 16:04

Sorry to be clear
Because she has failed you are stopping paying?

firstly, this will mean everything you have invested will go down the toilet
secondly, she’s 17!!! Cut her some slack
thirdly, presumably her driving benefits you as well as her ie not reliant on lifts?

Siepie · 16/06/2022 16:05

I think if you'd stopped after the original 20 for her birthday (and then split the cost perhaps) it would have been understandable.

But if you stop now, when she's just failed her test, she will almost certainly see it as you being disappointed or punishing her. If you do want to stop, perhaps say you'll fund X more lessons, giving her the chance to save up for more.

theemmadilemma · 16/06/2022 16:05

If she was ready to take the test, surely practice with you would do until the next one? If she'd passed today, she'd be on her own?

Bank closed.

BecauseICan22 · 16/06/2022 16:06

It is a life skill.
She is trying.
You know she is grateful.
Please don't pull your support, especially not in lieu of a holiday, her confidence will already be at an all time low; this will only compound that feeling.
Perhaps talk to her about a deadline? Or get her to put money towards her lessons? Either way, show her you still believe in her.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 16/06/2022 16:09

Siepie · 16/06/2022 16:05

I think if you'd stopped after the original 20 for her birthday (and then split the cost perhaps) it would have been understandable.

I agree with this. You should have stuck with the original 20 hours.

We paid for 10 hours for DS, but he knew he had to pay after those 10 hours and was happy with that. We've paid for his tests though. H has his first practical test very soon and if he fails then we'll pay again until he passes

Ohthatsexciting · 16/06/2022 16:10

If that close to the wire that paying for driving lessons means no possibility at all for a holiday
then perhaps offering to pay for her driving lessons was somewhat… ambitious of you

which is a shame for you AND her because now you want to withdraw the offer

GrazingSheep · 16/06/2022 16:12

How much practice is she doing with you?
Dd did her test 18 months ago - for the 2 months prior to the test she was out every day for at least an hour. Any driving needed was done by her.

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