To be outraged, yes, OUTRAGED, at DH behaviour?

[DouweEggbert]

DH in hospital for 3 days earlier this year with heart problems. Long story short, he’s still under the consultant at the hospital for ongoing tests etc but he will not fecking be bothered or organised enough to turn up for said tests. Not only is it annoying for me because for the one he missed today, I have reminded him 4 times, put an entry in his phone calendar and added it to our wall calendar but it’s, frankly, an unforgivable waste of scare NHS resources.

24 hour ECG? Didn’t go. CT scan? Forgot. Phone consultation? Didn’t answer the call. Second phone consultation? Was in a meeting.

I’ve spelled out numerous times that he’s putting his health at risk, that I’m coming from a place of concern, that it’s denying others an appointment, that he’s putting his work before DD & I etc etc, but nothing seems to stick. I’m in two minds as to whether he’s got it into his head that ignorance is bliss/if he doesn’t go for tests, he can’t be told there is anything wrong, or whether it’s wilful & lazy disorganisation.

Wow - what an idiot. And an irresponsible, inconsiderate one at that. YANBU at all, OP.

Get yourcwills in order
Maje sure you have access to money etc in case he drops dead
Is his life insurance up to date?
Tell him you doing this
Make sure he sees his family snd friends soon might be the last time

Is he scared of the results and therefore avoiding the subject altogether?

Sounds like he is utterly terrified of the results. No one is that disorganised about important tests.

Is he scared/in denial?

What a wanker.

It's his body, his choice. But taking away an appointment someone else could have used is unforgivable. I'd be livid.

This sounds a lot like someone who is scared and sticking his head in the sand tbh.

He thinks you’re his mum. I can’t imagine you have a shred of respect for him any more.

Your dh > 🤡

Sounds like the op attended their appointment for a compassion bypass.

@ForestDad sounds like so did you

I assume he manages to hold down a job and show up for work/ attend meetings on time. If he's not generally this forgetful, then perhaps he's in denial or genuinely scared of what he might hear at the appt.

OP it’s the former of your guesses. Go gently with him, I bet underneath all his memory lapses and meetings he’s terrified.

Have you asked him what he’s feeling? Perhaps he’s really worried in a paralysed way? Could you approach him with a will to understand what’s going on in his mind rather than judging him so harshly? Does he believe he’s worth the medical care?

Some men have a bone in their heads when it comes to medical care. They think that if they avoid the test there won't be any bad news.

He sounds frightened He's in denial that there might be a problem and he doesn't want confirmation.

I would assume that he’s really scared

Nah. He had the Telling Women Off software installed.

I'd be disgusted and furious, in equal measure. How dare he be so cavalier with his health?

Omg, angry on your behalf.

He’s shitting himself and totally in denial. But it’s still needs dealing with. How many other people are there in your lives? - I would be tempted to arrange an intervention or at least let a good number of people know about the situation - parents, friends, siblings - and ask them all to speak to him/message him.

Wrt work - were Occupational Health not involved after the earlier heart stuff? Don’t want to get him into trouble and going behind his back to his work would probably affect your relationship but if you know any of his colleagues, could you have a little fish around and find out what work knows about his health situation. I would say nowadays employers are pretty up on managing chronic health issues and if he’s lied to them (even by omission) and they don’t know he’s still vulnerable/in treatment there could be trouble ahead…

Scared or not he shouldn't waste appointments. What he does with his own health is down to him but how dare he impact on others? He should cancel everything to give others a chance and then seek help if he is worried. If he keeps missing apointments they'll discharge him anyway as a timewaster I would hope. Disgusting waste of services.

I had to wait seven months to get a phone consultation with my cardiologist for something potentially life threatening and genetic.

Make sure his life insurance is water tight.

He's in denial. Unless he has history of being an irresponsible idiot, I'd give it another go to tell him how much you love and don't want to lose him.

He's a blessed fool to deliberately ignore the need for these sorts of tests if he has a heart cpondition! Maybe he thingks that if he ignores the problem it will go away, but heart health doesn't work like that.

I assume you've told him many a time that he could just drop dead all of a sudden if he doesn't do anything about attending for these necessary tests. In that eventuality, make sure you've got your finances sorted and your will so that when spomething does happen you can tell him 'told you so'.

I speak from personal experience as I've had teo heart attacks and since the second one almost five years ago have been diagnised with early-stage heart failure. Death from heart failure does run on both sides of my family - is your husband perhaps scared that this might happen to him also?

Despite the tone, I really do have compassion but I’ll also freely admit it has just about worn off after today. I’ve broached the subject a number of times in supportive (I think!) ways since the initial hospital stay 6 months ago, from offering to go with him to appointments, to trying to talk it through with him to understand his fears, to some gentle home truths (we have a 2 yo DD, she needs her dad to keep himself as healthy as possible etc but what can you do when people continue to just… not engage?

It’s so frustrating - I know he’s probably worried and a bit scared but he’s not an island, it doesn’t just affect him anymore and I’ve run out of empathetic ideas

I imagine he is terrified. He probably isn't cancelling appointments because he has every intention of going to them, but when the time comes he can't do it. Can you or another person go with him, even if just to make sure he gets there rather than going in to the actual appointment. I know you shouldn't have to he is an adult and so on but it might help