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Original poster

To be outraged, yes, OUTRAGED, at DH behaviour?

117 replies

DouweEggbert · 15/06/2022 20:28

DH in hospital for 3 days earlier this year with heart problems. Long story short, he’s still under the consultant at the hospital for ongoing tests etc but he will not fecking be bothered or organised enough to turn up for said tests. Not only is it annoying for me because for the one he missed today, I have reminded him 4 times, put an entry in his phone calendar and added it to our wall calendar but it’s, frankly, an unforgivable waste of scare NHS resources.

24 hour ECG? Didn’t go. CT scan? Forgot. Phone consultation? Didn’t answer the call. Second phone consultation? Was in a meeting.

I’ve spelled out numerous times that he’s putting his health at risk, that I’m coming from a place of concern, that it’s denying others an appointment, that he’s putting his work before DD & I etc etc, but nothing seems to stick. I’m in two minds as to whether he’s got it into his head that ignorance is bliss/if he doesn’t go for tests, he can’t be told there is anything wrong, or whether it’s wilful & lazy disorganisation.

OP posts:
kizzywizz · 15/06/2022 20:59

If he can't be bothered to attend his appointments then let someone else have them. I'm waiting for open heart surgery, aortic valve replacement, schedueled for last october, it's now June. I go to bed every night not knowing if I will wake up in the morning.

BaaCake · 15/06/2022 21:01

It sounds to me like he intends on going then just gets too scared to go. Could you take him to the appointments?

Darbs76 · 15/06/2022 21:02

Well he will be removed from their lists and serves him right. He’s an adult so his choice but yes id be furious too

Aquamarine1029 · 15/06/2022 21:02

DouweEggbert · 15/06/2022 20:58

Despite the tone, I really do have compassion but I’ll also freely admit it has just about worn off after today. I’ve broached the subject a number of times in supportive (I think!) ways since the initial hospital stay 6 months ago, from offering to go with him to appointments, to trying to talk it through with him to understand his fears, to some gentle home truths (we have a 2 yo DD, she needs her dad to keep himself as healthy as possible etc but what can you do when people continue to just… not engage?

It’s so frustrating - I know he’s probably worried and a bit scared but he’s not an island, it doesn’t just affect him anymore and I’ve run out of empathetic ideas

My empathy would be over, and I'd be going full nuclear. If he doesn't give a shit about you, his child, or himself, I would be reevaluating the entire relationship. You already have been playing the role of mummy, with the reminders, cajoling, etc, which is bad enough. My respect for him would be seriously waning.

UserError012345 · 15/06/2022 21:02

He hasn't forgotten.

Original poster
DouweEggbert · 15/06/2022 21:04

kizzywizz · 15/06/2022 20:59

If he can't be bothered to attend his appointments then let someone else have them. I'm waiting for open heart surgery, aortic valve replacement, schedueled for last october, it's now June. I go to bed every night not knowing if I will wake up in the morning.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but yes, 100% this. I’m so cross with him for taking up appointments and not going - fair enough if he’s scared and reschedules the appointment into the future so he doesn’t have to think about it for a bit longer but just not turning up isn’t fair to anyone.

OP posts:
iRun2eatCake · 15/06/2022 21:04

Personally l don't care if he's scared.... he is being very selfish.

If he doesn't want investigations, that's totally his right... but he needs to step up and cancel his appointments.

The NHS is in crisis and him wasting appointments could have cost someone their life

AmaryIlis · 15/06/2022 21:05

DouweEggbert · 15/06/2022 20:58

Despite the tone, I really do have compassion but I’ll also freely admit it has just about worn off after today. I’ve broached the subject a number of times in supportive (I think!) ways since the initial hospital stay 6 months ago, from offering to go with him to appointments, to trying to talk it through with him to understand his fears, to some gentle home truths (we have a 2 yo DD, she needs her dad to keep himself as healthy as possible etc but what can you do when people continue to just… not engage?

It’s so frustrating - I know he’s probably worried and a bit scared but he’s not an island, it doesn’t just affect him anymore and I’ve run out of empathetic ideas

So what explanation does he give? "I forgot" just doesn't work if he's not equally disorganised about work appointments.

Kennykenkencat · 15/06/2022 21:07

Dh is like this. He just doesn’t want to hear anything bad so he doesn’t go.

I think you have to realise how terrifying it is. But also realise he has to be the one to turn up for those appointments .

I don’t even know now if Dh turns up for his scans or not.

I have come to terms with the fact that this is his life and he has to do with it what he wants and any nudging and reminding from me is only going to make things more stressful.

thenightsky · 15/06/2022 21:09

That's 4 appointments wasted that other people could have had. Angry

Newcastlegirl · 15/06/2022 21:09

So what does he say when you bring it up?

SmallDucks · 15/06/2022 21:11

Missing that many appointments is not an accident.

Thats a very deliberate action of avoidance.

justforthisnow · 15/06/2022 21:11

I'd get a brochure for one of those funeral plans from the Co op or similar, and ask him has he a preference for burial or cremation.
It helps to be organised about these things. (I have a husband who had myocarditis but does attend follow up). We still had that discussion, it was genuine planning.

kizzywizz · 15/06/2022 21:11

DouweEggbert · 15/06/2022 21:04

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through but yes, 100% this. I’m so cross with him for taking up appointments and not going - fair enough if he’s scared and reschedules the appointment into the future so he doesn’t have to think about it for a bit longer but just not turning up isn’t fair to anyone.

Show quote history

Thank you.

justforthisnow · 15/06/2022 21:13

kizzywizz · 15/06/2022 20:59

If he can't be bothered to attend his appointments then let someone else have them. I'm waiting for open heart surgery, aortic valve replacement, schedueled for last october, it's now June. I go to bed every night not knowing if I will wake up in the morning.

Oh no, best wishes and hope it all goes well and you get your surgery asap. 🌹

PurpleFlower1983 · 15/06/2022 21:13

He’s terrified, I feel for him, but do make sure your wills, life insurance is in order.

kizzywizz · 15/06/2022 21:13

justforthisnow · 15/06/2022 21:13

Oh no, best wishes and hope it all goes well and you get your surgery asap. 🌹

Show quote history

Thank you.

stepuporshutup · 15/06/2022 21:14

Wakemeup17 · 15/06/2022 20:32

Is he scared of the results and therefore avoiding the subject altogether?

This was the first thing that came to me. Op maybe he is scared so the attitude is I don't know so I don't need to know.
Talk to him about how serious it is and if it needs medical attention it will help.
Sorry op must you must be in a real state over this, please my lovely tell him how important it is. Hope he listens and starts going to see the medical advisors xx

Wombat27A · 15/06/2022 21:14

Insure him up to the hilt.

Get a quote for a direct cremation.

Original poster
DouweEggbert · 15/06/2022 21:16

Newcastlegirl · 15/06/2022 21:09

So what does he say when you bring it up?

Lots of pressure at work, intended to go but then got immersed in X, will ring them to arrange a new appointment, no, don’t want you to come with me, no, there’s nothing I’m worried about, no, there’s nothing you can do to help, yeah, I know you’re just worried but everything is fine. Honest. I just forgot.

Repeat, but in response to his brothers concern instead.

OP posts:
LesGiselle · 15/06/2022 21:22

Agree with pp. His approach is crap, but his behaviour presents as paralysed with anxiety over it.

People with anxiety often don't behave in a way that elicits sympathy. I'd have another bash at not being utterly pissed off with him and broach the matter of his anxiety.

Pl242 · 15/06/2022 21:24

Sounds like a really frustrating and upsetting scenario OP. I agree with others re the denial. If I was in your place I would now demand to take over appointments and insist on taking him, schedule to sit together for phone calls etc. Good luck.

dawngreen · 15/06/2022 21:25

They say no news is good news. But he needs to go even if its nothing in the end to worry about.

Badger1970 · 15/06/2022 21:26

I think you need to back right off from it, he's an adult making a conscious decision to not get something investigated.

DH had a catheter ablation last week for AF and was also found to have a flutter which they treated as well. He's got an inguinal hernia, a hiatus hernia, fatty liver disease, and these heart problems. He drinks about 4 pints of milk a day, his calorie/sugar/fat intake is through the roof but because he's relatively slim, he has entirely convinced himself that he's healthy. It makes me so angry, because he's filling his body with constant poison. It's like a form of self harm.

I got so stressed trying to "micro manage" him that I ended up having to take a higher dose of my BP meds. Hence my backing right off, and accepting that these are his choices and he's the one suffering the consequences of them.

wheresmymojo · 15/06/2022 21:29

Is this a theme...forgetting appointments, or just these appointments?

I have ADHD and one of the reasons I realised was because I kept forgetting to go to really important appointments (on top of lots of other things)