To be outraged, yes, OUTRAGED, at DH behaviour?

[DouweEggbert]

DH in hospital for 3 days earlier this year with heart problems. Long story short, he’s still under the consultant at the hospital for ongoing tests etc but he will not fecking be bothered or organised enough to turn up for said tests. Not only is it annoying for me because for the one he missed today, I have reminded him 4 times, put an entry in his phone calendar and added it to our wall calendar but it’s, frankly, an unforgivable waste of scare NHS resources.

24 hour ECG? Didn’t go. CT scan? Forgot. Phone consultation? Didn’t answer the call. Second phone consultation? Was in a meeting.

I’ve spelled out numerous times that he’s putting his health at risk, that I’m coming from a place of concern, that it’s denying others an appointment, that he’s putting his work before DD & I etc etc, but nothing seems to stick. I’m in two minds as to whether he’s got it into his head that ignorance is bliss/if he doesn’t go for tests, he can’t be told there is anything wrong, or whether it’s wilful & lazy disorganisation.

Lots of advice here, and some of it good.
I agree that it's unforgiveable (even if understandable) that your DH wastes NHS appointments and care. I also find it inexcusable if he uses going on his own as an excuse. Many of us with potentially life-threatening illnesses have no choice about that.
But I do agree that if he can't be bothered to attend an appointment it's a form of self harm/suicide, and if he's had enough then that's his decision! Kind of.

But I think you gave us a big clue to one way of resolving the issue. You said he'll do things that interest him, and DD is on that list.

So, I would go out and buy a good few birthday cards for daughters, starting from Age 3 and working upwards. Then get an Argos catalogue and perhaps one for Toys Are Us. Perhaps a wedding dress magazine or something of the sort. And a notebook. Get them all out one evening (perhaps with a bag of Haribos?) sit together on the sofa, and ask him to write out the cards and choose suitable presents, while you note down his choices in the notebook. So that daughter doesn't have to miss out because her father didn't take the doctors' advice.
See if that makes him sit up and think.
If not, time to give up and accept that your only option is a Will and Insurance.

And yes, I know that many of you will think this is harsh. But OP is not in a happy place right now and her husband isn't giving her any happy options. Meanwhile she's trying to do her best for her family. All of them!

You have 2 options
Just take him to all the appointments yourself

Or just let it go. And cancel all his appointments (as a favour to everyone else)

The man suffers from the typical man brain. And has taken to the ostrich approach and is burrying his head in the sand

Nothing you can do really. Pushing him is just gonna dig his heels deeper.

Are you going on holiday anytime soon as you will need watertight insurance so if anything happens you don't end up with a horrendous bill and are in danger of losing your home. Insurance companies will not be impressed with someone who had a heart condition and didn't have it investigated until they end up in a hospital abroad.

My DH actually ended up having a private scan as we were going to a wedding abroad and I told him to get his travel insurance sorted as I wasn't prepared to lose the house. He had been having chest pains and tbf would never miss an appointment but we just needed to speed things up. This was pre covid.

Unless he is habitually very flakey with everything then I think he's really scared and struggling to face the fact that sth might be wrong.

And I think you're scared too OP and it's coming out in this slightly harsh stance.

Could you sit down together, agree you're both scared about it, and that you'll support each other through it?

Hm. Having read full thread it does seem that he uses denial as a way of simply not facing difficult or unpleasant feelings.

His fear of those feelings is so great that he does really self harming things to avoid them (gets disqualified from driving, doesn't get his heart problem looked at).

I am not sure how you can help someone face reality when they have a deep seated fear of it - other than by long term therapy in which he can be helped to face the difficult feelings in a containing setting. And hopefully learn that they can be faced and borne.

Thanks for all the responses & useful advice. To answer a couple of Q’s - DH is 35, 6’2” and about 13 stone so not overweight, he cycles and thinks nothing of a 60 mile ride on a weekend, drinks but maybe a couple of glasses of wine a week. Even the Dr’s have commented that he not the typical patient that they see in cardiology.

He suffered from myocarditis triggered by a bout of the flu, my understanding is that these follow up tests are less to diagnose the cause of symptoms but more to understand if there is any lasting damage caused by the illness.

I think mixed with his underlying fear is perhaps the feeling that he feels OK, he looks OK so why does he need these tests? Still doesn’t excuse wasting resources tho.

Oh absolutely I’m a bit scared. Everything is in order, paperwork & insurance wise, but I really would rather he didn’t go anywhere anytime soon and that’s probably reflected in my harshness & frustration - I’m the type who couldn’t get to test appointments fast enough if there was something that required them, and I just feel he’s brushing this off when it’s not just him that is affected by his behaviour.

My view is - you’re not ill as such currently, let’s find out if there is anything of concern and try fix/manage it so it doesn’t become an issue.

His view is “I’m scared, I’d rather not know frankly, besides I feel fine so there’s no need for me to go anyway”.

Its difficult reconciling the two approaches really.

Ridiculous to suggest some of the more dramatic ideas on here. He's in denial, probably quite scared. A lot of people facing a diagnosis feel this way. I don't think laying it on thick is helpful unless the aim is to pile on the stress and bring about a health crisis. Support to attend the appointments is inconvenient but it sounds like it's necessary until he learns some coping mechanisms or gets to know the procedures.

I take statins.

I did not want to take them. The GP said "the problem with heart attacks is not if you die but if they mess you up." in an ominous tone.

Some of the fittest people I know have had heart attacks.

Sounds like it. Terrified at what they may find. Ultimately the earlier they can treat him the better. Often with medication. I work in ICU so I see many heart attack patients.

My dad was in denial despite being hospitalised with heart issues in his 40s. He ignored the return of chest pains a few years later and it took much "nagging" from my mum to get him to the GP.
He never came home again. He died in the street later that day and according to the inquest, he downplayed his symptomd to the GP

I totally get your frustration @DouweEggbert My dh has an issue, not a serious one as far as I can tell, but it is uncomfortable. He has been given a test kit to do a sample and send off to see if it is being caused by a food intolerance, but will he do it?! Will he heck. He will unhappily moan about his issue over and over and I just agree with how awful it is, but have stopped offering suggestions. He thinks it's happening because of something serious, but all the info I have found suggest it is probably just food related and will be solved by removing it from our diet.
He has had heart related issues which he got sorted very quickly, so I don't know why he won't get this sorted out. It's very frustrating, and he is always on at all of us if we have health issues and don't do anything about them.

Ostentatiously make sure all wills are up todate, insurances etc and that you have access to all bank accounts. Make sure you know where all pensions paperwork is.

Ant then leave him to it.

No wonder the NHS is on its knees. Fking disgraceful behaviour

Hugs 💐💐💐

Sounds as if he's scared OP. Help him or don't.

“You are a selfish, inconsiderate man who has wasted precious NHS resources and time. You may not care or you may hope that ignoring your health scare will somehow make it all go away, well it won’t you selfish inconsiderate pigheaded idiot - you have a wife and a daughter who love and need you very much so don’t you DARE put yourself at risk like this because I don’t want to have to ever explain to our child that maybe her dad would still be alive if he had bothered to turn up for an appointment”

no point mincing words with him - he has a family to think about and the NHS don’t organise tests for no reason - he needs to sort himself out and take this seriously for his families sake