To be outraged, yes, OUTRAGED, at DH behaviour?

[DouweEggbert]

DH in hospital for 3 days earlier this year with heart problems. Long story short, he’s still under the consultant at the hospital for ongoing tests etc but he will not fecking be bothered or organised enough to turn up for said tests. Not only is it annoying for me because for the one he missed today, I have reminded him 4 times, put an entry in his phone calendar and added it to our wall calendar but it’s, frankly, an unforgivable waste of scare NHS resources.

24 hour ECG? Didn’t go. CT scan? Forgot. Phone consultation? Didn’t answer the call. Second phone consultation? Was in a meeting.

I’ve spelled out numerous times that he’s putting his health at risk, that I’m coming from a place of concern, that it’s denying others an appointment, that he’s putting his work before DD & I etc etc, but nothing seems to stick. I’m in two minds as to whether he’s got it into his head that ignorance is bliss/if he doesn’t go for tests, he can’t be told there is anything wrong, or whether it’s wilful & lazy disorganisation.

Dh is like this. He's had a lump in his balls for ages now - went for an initial check-up but hasn't followed up subsequent requests for scans etc.

Work comes first in everything with him, always has and he's also a bury-his-head-in-the-sand type who never wants to hear honest bad news about anything. It's like some kind of toxic positivity thing he has going on.

I've had to just switch myself off from it, I've become quite hard/numb to anything like this regarding him and his failure to engage with anything he finds uncomfortable/distasteful etc. It's his life and his body and I've given up basically! I would just leave it up to him now OP and stop making it your problem, he's a grown man not a child.

there’s nothing you can do to help, yeah, I know you’re just worried but everything is fine. Honest. I just forgot

His refusal to take responsibility for himself is just as bad as an alcoholic refusing help IMO. 'I forgot' is not an explanation or an excuse and I'd be feeling as if he didn't care about himself OR his family.

You need to look after yourself and your child OP. If he won't attend simple appointments he's not acting like an adult at all and taking the complete piss. It's absolute neglect (of you all) and extremely disrespectful to everyone, NHS included.

There’s no particular theme though he does seem to be more likely to disengage with appointments/things that don’t interest him.

Anything to do with DD, family plans, his hobby, work - those things are remembered & attended efficiently. Mundane tasks & things like this - just don’t seem to be a priority or he buries his head in the sand.

When we met, he’d just got his driving license back after being disqualified for 6 months for essentially ignoring letters & speeding tickets.

What is actually wrong with him? Does he have good reason to be really scared?

YANBU, btw.

Can you try and make it about your DD? Point out that he needs these checks done to make sure it’s nothing genetic that your DD needs testing for too?

On one hand your DH is probably terrified, and it's understandable... But on the other hand, he's being a selfish asshole letting these appointments get scheduled for him and just not turning up. That's 4 separate appointments that could have gone to someone else in need. I also bet my bottom dollar he wouldn't be so 'forgetful' if there were fees for no-shows with the NHS. He could at least have called with an excuse to cancel.

In denial I would say. Drag him back to the gp. My dh has a lack of self care and it has driven me crazy at times when he has ignored hospital advice and taken his own route only to end up poorly for weeks on end. I feel your pain!

When should be ashamed. So ashamed. The money he’s wasted.

My family member dropped down dead at 39 from a cardiac arrest because they’d ignored obvious heart symptoms. He’s being such a fucking moron. It’s made me cross.

It's not that the OP is lacking compassion- him doing this is infuriating.

No more nagging. Agree with the funeral planning suggestion. Worst thing about my dad's sudden death (different condition but similar issues) was not knowing what he might have wanted. It really would've helped.

I’m going to take advice and bring the subject up again gently (having gritted my teeth earlier) to see if I can get him to open up a little more.

If not, I’m going to pull wife rank, bundle him into the car and drive him to future appointments. I might even wheel him in on DD’s tiny scooter if he puts up a fight.

I think I’d be doing DD a disservice if I didn’t push him into having these tests - if there’s nothing wrong, amazing. If there is, then I’d rather we knew about it earlier rather than later.

He's just sidled up to me with a handful of Haribo to tell me he’s angry with himself so he knows he’s in the bad books, maybe this might be the turning point.

I’m also not going to let him miss any more NHS appointments, he’s welcome to reschedule in his own time but no more not showing up.

This.

As others have said - he may be frightened/ in denial, but some other poor bugger could have had that appointment.

Not an excuse but he sounds scared to find out imo

This ☝️. You’re not listening OP. He’s an adult, he’s made a choice, respect it. You don’t have to like it, but it’s not your choice to make.

As someone with a heart condition (among others) I find it really irresponsible of him, but maybe he’s struggling to come to terms with it, hence the strange behaviour. I wonder if he might listen more to someone else in the family like his mum?

If he does it again and he will tell him how horrifically selfish he is being. To deprive others of vital appointments. To waste the time of HCPs. To make it more likely he will die early and leave your DD without a father.

And then there’s the sheer cowardice. Terror about this stuff is natural but to behave like this? It must be hard to respect him.

My dad has been like this as long as I san remember. It’s just the way he is. My take on it is this.
-he likes to feel in control and drs/hospital makes you feel the opposite
-he doesn’t think he owes it to anyone else to look after himself. Anything he does do is on his terms
-he enjoys family showing they care by fussing about missed appointments etc but he has zero intention of taking their advice for the reasons above
-he is aware of the risks he’s taking and he’s happy with them, other peoples feelings about it aren’t on his radar.

we fall for it every time he has a health problem. He’s in his 70s now. We get stressed trying to get him to attend appointments etc but he won’t. One day it’ll be something really serious and he won’t get a choice but until then I doubt it’ll change.

your dh is a different person all together so fingers crossed he’ll see sense but I certainly sympathise.

It might be 'his choice', but 'his choice' affects you and any DCs.

Ask him if his life insurance is appropriate and fully paid up.

Years ago my ex husband was like this, complete head in the sand, work came before everything, complete disregard for his health, i took a shit load of life insurance out for him but ultimately I divorced his selfish arse after twenty years and this was one of the main reasons, he didn't care about leaving me and his kids to cope alone if he died.

I work in cardiology for the NHS and this is far more common than you think. Lots of people like to pretend it’s not real if they don’t talk about it.

Hope he has good life insurance with critical illness cover.
What a fool, free medical care than many in other countries would quite literally die for and he's taking up appointments, clinics and medical professionals time but can't be arsed to attend. I hope he gets struck off the list and someone with greater need gets the resources directed at him.

Assume the worst could happen tomorrow. Does he have a Will?
And if he didn’t drop dead but ended up paralysed and unable to speak as a result of a stroke, do you have Power of Attorney for health and financial decisions on his behalf?
if the answer to either of these questions is no, you both need to get to a lawyer tomorrow.

He's scared and is hoping it'll all go away, but it won't so he needs to put his big boy pants on and sort it out
Terrible that he's wasting NHS resources too

As previously said get all your paperwork in order just to be on the safe side, sounds a bit mercenary but it's good advice

I have a very close friend, her partner has Asthma/has had 2 heart attacks, the idiot will do a strenuous heavy weight workout in the conservatory, with accentuated heavy breathing when he knows she's within earshot. She's told him that he's responsible for his health and that if he keels over she's not going to try and save him. She ignores him.

Men are idiots at times and it's not up to us to do their personal Admin/chivvy them along like children

No advice OP but I have a similar DH. He has a health condition which means he’s a higher risk for cardiac issues but will not do anything about it. His own father died young from a heart attack when he was a child so I think there is some deep set trauma there - it’s almost like he has PTSD around anything to do with his heart or death.

I tried to help initially but have been rebuffed so stand back, hard though it is.