To be outraged, yes, OUTRAGED, at DH behaviour?

[DouweEggbert]

DH in hospital for 3 days earlier this year with heart problems. Long story short, he’s still under the consultant at the hospital for ongoing tests etc but he will not fecking be bothered or organised enough to turn up for said tests. Not only is it annoying for me because for the one he missed today, I have reminded him 4 times, put an entry in his phone calendar and added it to our wall calendar but it’s, frankly, an unforgivable waste of scare NHS resources.

24 hour ECG? Didn’t go. CT scan? Forgot. Phone consultation? Didn’t answer the call. Second phone consultation? Was in a meeting.

I’ve spelled out numerous times that he’s putting his health at risk, that I’m coming from a place of concern, that it’s denying others an appointment, that he’s putting his work before DD & I etc etc, but nothing seems to stick. I’m in two minds as to whether he’s got it into his head that ignorance is bliss/if he doesn’t go for tests, he can’t be told there is anything wrong, or whether it’s wilful & lazy disorganisation.

If he still refuses to go, even with you driving him, then I second what others have said about gathering life insurance policies, funeral plan brochures and will writing guides - but I'd add divorce papers too, because not showing up for NHS appointments is absolutely unforgivable. Pile the papers somewhere prominent and inform him you will be working through them, because he leaves you no choice.

My DF used to pretend to forget appointments, then have "forgotten" what they said when he was taken. DM doesn't let him go alone any more and when in hospital he makes the doctors tell her everything rather than him.

I'd say your DH similarly is very very frightened. Sit him down and tell him you know, and you understand. Let him talk. Then go with him to the appointments or send a relative/friend if you can't, at least until he's calmer.

I think his lack of honesty is as appalling as missing the appointments.

He can't tell you he is shitting himself. He won't be honest about why he's missing appointments. It is lying by omission.

I would pull back entirely op. He needs to make his own choice. His health, his responsibility.

Denying others the appointments is unforgiveable

hasn't he had a discharge letter yet? After missing all those, he should have.

I have a heart condition that should have been fixed by a procedure I had a year ago. It wasn't and I have been re-referred to the cardiologist. I received a letter 3 months ago to say I needed a face to face outpatient appointment.... Still waiting! Your DH has wasted 4 opportunities that other patients could have had... I am outraged as well!!!!!

Fair one!

If he misses another appointment then maybe it's time for tough love.
Book an appointment with a solicitor to write a will. Challenge him to forget that one.

Spot on!

Is he scared? I don’t go to the doctor because I’m scared. It’s complete stupidity but I understand wanting to bury your head in the sand.

What is with all the "he sounds terrified of the results" comments - so what?

He is a father. Needs to grow the hell up, put his daughter before himself, put his "I am brave" big boy pants on and stop wasting NHS time and resources.

Ah well - that’s all sorted then

You have a 2yo daughter - how old is he - you must both be quite young then - early 30's?

Is he overweight and unhealthy in terms of lifestyle at all? Is work stressful? Is his heart condition potentially serious?

It sounds like he is in denial - that he doesn't see his heart condition as anything that serious - plus it's disrespectful to you and your daughter, everyone in the NHS potentially involved in some way with his testing, care and treatment - other patients on waiting lists, his own family, etc. No doubt you've pointed this out - to no effect it seems.

Consider this: Take my wife's situation - her father was similarly dismissive - he had had 2 mild heart attacks that stopped him working - his wife had to help with his rehabilitation for many months, he was told to loose weight, eat healthily and ideally to cut down on his drinking - he didn't - the 3rd attack killed him - he was 39.

They had 3 kids - 12-15 - the rest of her life was defined by his death - she had a very small salary to live off - it wasn't easy at any point. As someone else suggested - get your life and finances in order now while you can. I'd be reading him the riot act - IF his heart condition is potentially serious - addressing it should be his top priority over everything else - including work.

he can do as he plases his body but he should at least cancel the appointments so someon eelse can have them its selfish

Missing urgent NHS appointments is really cunty. It really is unforgiveable. There will have been someone else who didn't get seen that day because your husband wasted an appointment they could have had.

An adult avoiding hospital appointments because they're scared is fucking pathetic and I say that as someone who is having serious health problems myself. I think people who miss appointments without a damn good reason should have to pay the NHS back for what it cost, with a £500 fine on top. Perhaps then people wouldn't take it for granted.

Omg, all the best op

I hate how these threads always end up with the husband or boyfriend getting an absolute slagging.

He's sounds terrified. I need a smear, putting off booking an appointment. Am I a wanker, no

Right now I wouldn’t blame you for considering him a waste of NHS time and money (and oxygen… You are rightly angry.)Does he have ADHD? This sounds like me, tbh… (admittedly more dramatically so.) Another thing you could broach is the subject of dementia. If it’s simply fear that’s stopping him from making these appointments, he needs a kick in the pants and he needs to man up.

If you booked a smear and then didn't go because you were scared, costing the NHS money and depriving someone else of the appointment, then yes, you would be a wanker. If you ended up with a preventable cancer costing the NHS tens of thousands because you didn't go for a smear, then yes, you would be a wanker.

I wish people would grow the fuck up. It's honestly pathetic.

Are you sure he didn’t go to the appointments? He could be lying. My friend’s husband did this. They were both terrified he had cancer, and the way he dealt with it was to go to appointments without telling her.

So, he’s terrified about going for tests that may show that he has a serious health problem? As though being in hospital for three days is not a sign writ large enough that he needs to pay attention.

Yes, we all are but we are adults & do what we can to get through the trepidation & anxiety to make the date, do the tests & hopefully deal well with the results & consequences.

@DouweEggbert no wonder you are pissed off.

When you next speak of this with him, if he turns the corner to face in the right direction to take responsibility for turning up for his tests, he is required to show you that he has made the change of attitude & action.

He rings for the new appointment by x date & you are with him when he does it.
He books the time off from work as leave & he shows you that he has done so, e.g. screen shot of leave request accepted.
You do the same because you are going with him.

Because this is so important to you & your family, he has to show you that his actions speak louder than words. Give him no room to manoeuvre or decline at the first jump.

I agree with pps, get the insurance policies & wills out for review & update them for both of you. This is a wake up call for you two as parents & it is time to get your house in order.

BTW, tell him to shove his sweaty Haribo up his arse.
He’s not a child & this is not playground tiff.

i doubt that his colleagues at work will be impressed to find out he missed an NHS appointment for tests on his heart.

IF, that’s a big if, he works in a work environment where he cannot get away for important medical tests, then he needs either a systematic change of attitude or a new job.

you would absolutely be a wanker if you booked the appt and then didn’t turn up, yes

I have a different perspective on this. He was in hospital. He wouldn’t have been discharged if there was something seriously wrong. Those 24 hour ECGs are like blood tests: they’re like ‘there’s probably nothing wrong but we’d better do something just in case we get sued for negligence’. My mum gets told to do them about once a year, they’re a pain in the bloody arse, requiring two hospital visits at the beginning and the end, and there’s never any action taken subsequently.

She’s lived with atrial fibrillation for 40 years. Not all heart problems are death sentences.

Maybe this is just a nudge to improve diet and exercise, and he won’t pop off just yet.

I think the power of attorney idea is a good one. "So DH yeah I guess you're at increased risk of stroke or early onset vascular dementia and whatnot from not getting potential cardiac disease diagnosed or treated . So let's get the LPA sorted so if that happens, I won't have to spend hours of my life on the phone to the bank and all, so I'll have more time free to spoon yoghurt into you and wipe your arse because yes it'll be ME doing that, because of YOUR toddler - level "close my eyes so they can't see me" thinking. That might concentrate his mind.

What a twat for WASTING NHS money and time. That's a lot of money lost on someone just not bothering. He sounds too scared to face reality. In the meantime others are desperate for medical appts and treatment but waiting without a choice.