AIBU to ask how do you manage it all if you work full time and have kids?

[dillydally24]

I have two DC (both under three), work full time in a 50-60 hour a week senior role and have no time for anything. I have a lot of help - a full time nanny and a cleaner who comes twice a week - but our house is often a bit of a tip and I never do anything for myself. My DH helps out, but his work is more demanding than mine, so he doesn't make a huge impact. We also have a dog and a house renovation in the go. If you work full time and have young kids, how on earth do you manage it?! Any tips are gladly received. It is this just the way it is for the next few years while the kids are young...?

My DH helps out Aaarggghhhh - I hate that phrase.

So who made you the default parent and chief cook & bottlewasher, while he only 'helps out'? Are you an equal partnership in this marriage or is he too important for all that trivial household stuff to have any kind of impact on his life other than for him to 'help out' occasionally?

When you are both at home at the same time - what then? Do you both muck in together and both do your fair share, or does he 'help' you out then too?

We were the same. Four children aged 5 and under. Me in a massively stressful job working long hours. My OH working long hours too. We just accepted that the house was not going to be perfect for many years. We made sure that one of us was always there to pick the children up from school every day, and we made up the work hours in the evenings. And we made sure that only one of us was working overseas at any one time. They are all at secondary school now, and we’re only just getting on top of things. We had a cleaner for a while, but no help with the children. We depended on meticulous diary organisation, letting our standards slip, and acceptance that we wouldn’t have much time to ourselves for some years. It’s great now, though.

Honestly you are doing a great job. I think we are so hard on ourselves for working full time, having kids, trying to keep everything together. It can be so much but the kids are so wonderful and having the job let’s us do amazing things with them!

Hope your dog gets a walk at least once a day?

Senior role, work probably about 40hrs. DH also full time senior role. 2 kids, one severely disabled. No cleaner. No nanny. No respite care. Very tired, but love my kids and this is a career I worked hard for and generally enjoy - so I figure if I want it all there's got to be give somewhere. So a high tolerance for cat fluff on everything and piles of stuff everywhere, and I'll maybe consider a simpler life when I'm retired. Maybe 😁.

More help, up the cleaners hours, tell her what you need doing that important, failing that you should probably cut your hours.

I did this for years too but I always saw it was utter bullsh*t. Just, why? You can be a senior FS bod or a senior lawyer. If you left, you'd be replaced in a instant. It's not as if you're a neurosurgeon or a research scientist....its all so pointless!

I couldn't reconcile it with children so off I went. Half as wealthy but much happier.

It's so tough. I grew up in the era of girl power that led me to believe that I could have it all and it was a sharp learning curve for me when I had my first child whilst at uni and seriously struggled to know what to do for the best. I've been full time student mum, part time student mum, part time working mum and full time working mum. I've found peace more recently in part time work, low salary in order to spend more time with my children but I itch terribly. They're pre-teen and teen now and I'm studying again. I wish I'd been told that you can't have it all at once.

I don’t manage it. I work FT (35-40 hours - reasonably demanding job). Husband works 40 hours - v demanding job. We commute once or twice a month each (an 8 hour round trip). We have two DC 2 & 5. We have a cleaner for 3 hours a week but nothing else (rely on nursery and grandma as hoc for childcare). I find it impossible to keep on top of work, cooking, cleaning, washing and all the children’s admin etc. I have no idea how you do it working those hours. My DH looks after the garden and DIY but is useless otherwise. No advice other than you can have it all but not at the same time. It simply isn’t possible unless you outsource a lot more.

You're not there during the day. I expect the nanny clears up after herself and the children and does their laundry, food etc. Cleaner twice a week and you get home late. How on earth is the house a mess ? (apart from renovations) 🤔

I never worked 60 hr weeks but I did work full time with young kids and did a part time masters degree.
Looking back, I literally have no idea why.i was permanently tired and stressed.
I learnt the value of the phrase "you can do anything but you can't do everything".

I have spent my life in an eternal battle to prove that women can have a career alongside children.

Sadly its just resulted in regular burnouts at work and at times neglecting my children's needs.

But on the bright side, I have just about managed to keep an interesting and very well remunerated career, by the skin of my teeth.

Plus I've had two children, who I love dearly. They are now teens, and have broken my heart many times over with mental health crises and they kind of hate me anyway at times. I'm now glad I didn't have more, or dedicate my life to them any more than I did.

It feels like no one is happy, neither employer nor kids. None of it is optimal. However, it feels like a life fully lived, and mostly feels like my choice out of all the options I've had.

If I were to go back, out of all the choices I could have made differently, I think I wouldn't have had the kids. It's been one long slog for two ungrateful, entitled, self-pitying princesses who now hate me anyway.

I can relate to this! However I am passed this stage, I would just say

• don’t be hard on yourself, you can only do what you can do


• take as much help as you can get and afford


• school makes it much easier as they are out the house and they get involved in more activities

on your me time, I think I struggled with this for a few years when kids were pre school but start small….I used to get my nails done when DD was at her dance class and DS at football practice, it’s was a little slither of a window every Saturday morning. Have day off without them and go for a spa day with your friends, that was another thing I did once a year (overnight).

you will look back and wonder how you did it, but you do! I found when our youngest started secondary school, my career rocketed because I had more time and energy to focus more and actually more me time. Hang on in there.

How.does one Cope? With difficulty I surmise! Do you and your husband really have to work such long hours?

I picked YABU, not because I think you are wrong to be struggling, or perhaps unable to make it work perfectly, but because I think it is unreasonable to put yourself under this amount of pressure.

A house renovation alone can drive people to distraction without children, pets and both partners doing over the top jobs.

I work 30 hours and struggle sometimes. My house is currently (frequently) a tip and I have no pets or renovation.

If it is at all possible, I would be looking at either reducing my hours, or asking if my partner could. Doing enough hours for 3 full time jobs between 2 people who are also trying to have a family life is unsustainable.

Wow. Thanks for all the responses, guys. I've read every one and am grateful for each of them, even the more "challenging" comments. 😜

The following deserve a special mention for making me feel better and providing great advice: @Duchessofmuchness @Toomuch2019 @Beggingforsleep @Sceptre86 @SW1amp @CharSiu @Liebelei @Triffid1 @NoToLandfill @Polpetto

The comment that resonated with me the most, which I now can't find and thus attribute, said something like: outsource everything in your life until the only things you are doing are spending time with your children and working. This is the right answer for me! My children, my DH and my work are pretty much the only things I care about, so making them the priority and outsourcing everything else makes total sense. Thank you to whoever made that comment. It's obvious when you think about it, but it never occurred to me, I don't know why!

Thanks to @Jaxxy and @anon666 too!

You sound so down to earth and humble. I appreciate you putting it out there for those of us who are having similar struggles! It’s also fantastic to hear other women saying they love their jobs! Good luck.

Thank you for posting this. I have 15 month old twins, both husband and I work full time and I don’t know how others do it. I do have a cleaner, a lovely hands on husband (but has long hours) and my parents help, I still don’t feel like I manage well.

inwork for a US company, so often get chores done in the morning, then its work, bedtime and often a bit of work in the evening again as I tend to log off early for bedtime. I’m always so tired too

I work 50 hours a week, have a full time nanny, a cleaner and a gardener. My DH works 80 hours a week.

I have very little time for myself. Probably between 9-10pm by the time the house is tidy again after dinner and laundry.

My house is tidy because I go through all cupboards and drawers regularly (using leave when the kids are out) and then everything has a place!! It’s easier to stay tidy that way.

Was this a humble brag about how great your life is and how wealthy you are? Blah blah lol I’d also like some tips struggling here with a part time job and one child and dog

Marie Kondo book is great for decluttering techniques

Slow cooker tomato sauce. Make lots of it, and freeze in 300ml containers. Easy to make. Have that once per week with pasta, and any ham, leftover veg from the fridge

Keep on top of washing. Don't bother with ironing

It’s hard and it doesn’t get any easier when they get older….! It’s just different hard.

is there absolutely no chance of working part time? I work 4 days in a v senior six figures job. They can exist if you want to find them. You need to be v good at it and it’s a real juggle but I do find worth it for my sanity.

It's your childrens age...... totally normal, we had a full time nanny, gardener one day each week and cleaner twice a week and I felt exactly the same - as the children get older it does get easier! I struggled with the house not being pristine (still do) but ultimately it's not realistic....

Yes trim your commitments. Why on earth are you undertaking a house renovation in your circumstances?
It must be very hard to do anything well in these conditions - hope your Nanny doesn't decide she's had enough of it and leave.