74 year old man, 26 year old vulnerable woman with learning disabilities

[SENmum22]

Nc for this.

I use TikTok and I've just come across an account on the home page which belongs to a married couple. The husband is 74 and the wife is 26 and has quite a significant learning disability.

They have a video up talking about how they met, the blokes daughter (who appears to have some special needs herself) brought her friend round three years ago (the now-wife) and asked if her dad would let her stay as she didn't want to go home.

Long story short they're now married and the wife has moved her younger sisters in with the bloke aswell, they also appear to have LD's.

The bloke claims that helping people with LD's has been his life's work. If so, he knows exactly how vulnerable they are and should know not to cross certain lines.

Overall the wife is an adult by law but intellectually she isnt and as the parent of a child with special needs the whole thing raises alarm bells for me and makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. The power imbalance is huge and they can't have anything in common.

I'm not sure if I'm allowed to give the account name so I won't, but it's not difficult to find.

AIBU to think he is an exploitative old git?

There are many other platforms on line discussing this as well. He's well know apparently and it's not a shock to some people. The fact they have so many followers and likes, I find disturbing 😐

Could I have a pm too, please, does the woman have short hair?

very telling if comments are turned off

Sounds like one of those things that whilst individual instances are undeniably pretty awful, would be impossible to legislate against in any coherent way.

it’s some of the comments that sort of imply people with LDs shouldn’t have relationships

@ForestFae It would depend on the person's level of impairment. For instance if they have an IQ of 40 or whatever so are not able to consent.

I have bipolar and my judgement/consent is impaired in an episode, so I can be taken advantage of. So it really doesn't take much.

And maybe with people with LDs it can be a sort of grooming, like if they end up letting exploitative people have their money because they think they are friends.

I've just found the account. There is something off about him, it's uncomfortable viewing that is for sure.

I'm not sure that I'm seeing as much as the rest of you because I don't have the app so only seen a few videos on their account and there doesn't seem to be much info about them.

Are people making assumptions that she and her sisters have learning disabilities or is it specifically mentioned somewhere by them?

whilst individual instances are undeniably pretty awful, would be impossible to legislate against in any coherent way.

@iloveeverykindofcat Loved ones can apply under the mental capacity act to be guardians of a particular area of an individual's life, such as money and I assume relationships (obviously the person would have to be really impaired on the particular front.) It is assessed on an individual basis. I imagine they have to reapply to do it again after a certain length of time.

just watched some it’s disturbing yes

its like he’s creating his own house of vulnerable women .

It’s weird but not criminal if they are all happy.

They talk about it in the second video, confirmed by both of them.

Yes she has short hair, the account is Oddcouple19

Oh OK, I clearly don't have access to many videos without downloading the app

@me4real Can you really legally stop an adult who is living in the community - I mean to say, not institutionalized - from willingly entering into a relationship with another person, even if it looks exploitative? That seems...not right.

Well the whole thing is a bit sticky
Is he logically from the evidence a creepy old manipulative weirdo, absolutely yes.
Does she have LDS and is at risk of being taken advantage of and used, also yes.
But the problem here is capacity vs consent
People with reduced capacity still deserve/want and seek love. If she genuinely feels loved and cared for with this man and he isn't causing her physical harm, then on what grounds do you have to say there's a problem or it needs reporting. I think anyone in their right mind can see the problems with this set up, and the moral issues it brings up (frankly I'm disgusted and if it were my family member id definitely have alot to say)
She seems genuinely happy, so you have to ask who would gain from splitting them up. Her reduced capacity to see what's going on is the same one that is allowing her to feel loved and happy and if that were to end she also would lack the capacity to understand why and the grief that would bring with it.
Now while I know that's exactly how predators and weirdos work to get what they want, you now have an issue of law. She is in the eyes of the law a consenting adult woman, who's already been deemed capable of making the choice to get married.
So unless he was financially or physically abusing her there is literally nothing that can be done about the situation.
However the fact there are the now younger ones staying there, potentially also being groomed that definitely is a reason SS could be involved.
Real problems start when you begin to dictate what people with disabilities are capable of choosing, perfectly 'average' people make conscious choices to be in terrible relationships and situations all the time, doesn't make it good or right either.
It's horrible to witness though and very sad I think, even take away all the ick from the situation he's 74 what about when he passes away and she's just left behind.

(And just to make it ULTRA clear I don't support their relationship, I think he's abhorrent and the whole set up is morally very very wrong, my comments are made in a bigger picture kind of way)

Its a bit grim, I'm not sure he isn't learning disabled himself certainly not of normal IQ but he is perhaps dumbing down and trying to act cutesy but this looks exploitative to me as any age gap would be. He claims to have been with her for 3 or 4 years so she would have been 22 or 23 when they got together. He also clearly gets off on the age difference as he keep repeating it. I'm not saying LD people shouldn't have relationships but they should also be protected from exploitation.

@iloveeverykindofcat They consider whether for instance the person can weigh up the potential consequences of sex, such as pregnancy and STIs.

Most people aren't in an institution as such I don't think, but in supported accomodation.

I don't know how often they actually would decide they weren't able to consent under the MCA and must have it decided by someone else, despite them seemingly wanting sex.

Most cases where people have a severe disability would be clearer cases of assault by a care worker or something, when the person isn't able to consent fully to the extent it's judged as rape or sexual assault.

@Laurajane1987 that's how I feel too. It's a gross situation. But I don't think there's a justifiable way to intervene. Like you say, people of average intellect enter unwise, exploitative relationships, etc. And people with LDs have the right to relationships.

Also severe, formally diagnosed and medicated ADHD here. I manage to hold down a band 7 NHS job and own my own home and care for my animals, etc despite my brain being in constant overwhelm and chaos because I have managed to learn workarounds, to-do lists upon to-do lists, have insight into my issues, etc. My IQ is not at all impaired by ADHD.

Because ADHD isn’t a learning disability or difficulty, I don’t think think it’s comparable to the type of impairment that the women/girls involved in this situation clearly have if you’ve spent any time observing the accounts related to this family.

Very disturbing, from how they got together, how he acts towards her, all of it.

One of his daughters was living in assisted living, she has some form of intellectual disability. He should absolutely know better.

Hmm can't find anyone with that username :/

You're looking on ig not tiktok

Could somebody PM me the details pls?

It's Oddcouple19 on tiktok

Ive just had a look. Getting v uncomfortable, creepy vibes from that guy 😬