Disliked by people for no apparent reason

[Burnin]

Hi everyone ! Hope some of you are able to give me a perspective on this. I’ve always been around numbers of people, I talk well with them, make them feel welcome, try to make them comfortable, always helped them by going beyond of what I can normally do but most of my friendships (only with girls) ends up with them not liking me. I, personally believe, am not someone who hurts people deliberately ( have seen many people like that) or make them uncomfortable, I try my best of what could I do or give in all my friendships but at the beginning all is great but over the time I feel relationship getting weak rather bring strong. Also in my life I’ve seen many women turning stone cold towards me for no any reasons. It just makes me think that do I come across as a rude or non- interesting person to people or is it something else ? I have 2 or 3 friendships that are great but many of them had only made me feel unwanted or stupid because I do so much for them but in the end get their dejection. I am very spiritual person and normally stay away from bickering people or keeping a wrong intention about them but why does this happen to me ? Is something wrong with me or with them? Help me with your perspective on this ! TIA

Two options:

1. you’re attracting fair weather friends who move on quickly and aren’t worth having around


2. youre inadvertently irritating / offending people or people just don’t see you as being a long-term friend

Unfortunately no one here can tell you the issue. Can you ask one of your actual friends for some real feedback?

What does 'very spiritual' mean?

Are you a people pleaser? I am and I do attract and am attracted to people who need saving which never ends well.

I would say though I've become distant from a couple of people this year. My son has started school and my work and daughter's time at nursery have increased. I just don't have the time or energy for everyone and some friendships have fallen by the wayside. I think this does happen as we go through different stages of our lives.

@ShirleyPhallus Sorry I can’t but I’ve asked my family to tell me that why is this. The reason they told me was that I am an over thinker and think a lot about people. They believe people are like that generally and you can’t and should not be too much attached to relationships. They find me very emotional. 😅

Maybe you just want more from it than they do. You are trying to build and maintain a friendship whereas they might be firmly in the casual acquaintance camp so you therefore end up seeming like hard work. Obviously this is just an option as I dont know you or your situation.

I do know someone who finds this. I'll tell you what she's like just in case it's helpful. You might not be like this at all though. I'll just write it in case it rings any bells.
She's friendly and helpful, quite giving. Downside is she's quite bossy/judgemental and quite tactless. Eg. Women are usually nice about each others homes, whereas she'll point out negative things. Most women admit their failings, but she has quite a low tolerance for people not meeting her standards. She also boasts about her kids a lot.
Probably none of those apply to you, I just thought it might be a starting point to think about

Conversely a woman I know who has tons of friends is quite tactful and not critical or boastful.

I’d say from that then that you probably come across as quite intense. Do you contact your friends a lot, try and arrange a lot of stuff, land them with big issues, try and discuss heavy stuff, see them as being much better friends than they see you etc?

The only thing I pick up on from your post is you might come across as over bearing/trying too hard. It sounds like you’re always doing something to make someone feel happy or wanted .. just relax and go with the flow - stop asking/doing things for everyone.

@moita spiritual means not being unkind and thinking before if I say something so that I don’t hurt people. Even when I talk or think I try to keep my intentions right so that my advice or comments are not coming from jealousy or anger but from pure thoughts.

Do you share your own troubles and thoughts with others, or do you focus solely on them?

That could be true. I personally feel that I try to please people so much so that I forget myself.

This is the impression I am getting from what you are saying.

I would say that women want friends they can feel relaxed with. The woman I mentioned I could never feel relaxed around even after years of our kids being friends

My mum always has this issue. I think it's two things -

1. she is extremely scared of being offensive so she's very passive in her language and behaviour and instead of having the desired effect, it grates on people's nerves. She can never just say or do something, she's always hovering around, apologising, using convoluted language to avoid saying what she actually means, etc.


2. She has a victim mentality when it comes to social situations and ensures she becomes the scapegoat because subconsciously I think it feels comfortable to her. She doesn't do anything "wrong", she just acts awkward, doesn't stand up for herself, and isolates herself against everyone else and then complains that everyone is against her.

I don't know if that's helpful because it sounds different to you but thought I'd add it in.

@greenhebeaww I listen and share with them. Sometimes I feel they take me for granted as I am available most of the time when they need me ? 🤷‍♀️

You sound pretty intense in your post so if you are like that in real life it probably gets tiring after a bit

From what you have written you sound intense and are too keen to 'do' things for others and be liked. That would irritate me. I have friends because we have shared interest, like to do fun things together, listen to each other etc. what do you want from friendships?

@georgarina I can resonate with this. Do I behave awkward Infront of people. Possible ‘

Maybe you need to stop thinking before you speak and instead just speak. You sound worried about offending others but you might be coming across as inauthentic.

@MidwichCuckoo no I never do that. Yes I want my kids to do well but not by comparing it with other kids. I just focus on them being competitive. Wthst other kids do it don’t bother at all !

You sound lovely OP,
Are you tall and slim by any chance ?
Some insecure women can feel threatened by an attractive intelligent woman.

@greenhebeaww possible. Maybe I am not being my original self and come across a people pleaser who doesn’t have a mind of her own and constantly nodding.

That's good. I thought you probably weren't like that but mentioned it just in case

Anxiety can make you think things that aren't true.

You can end up in this scenario

Your thoughts:
"Those two people I'm with are giving me the cold shoulder they're just standing there talking and making me feel left out I'm really stressed and rejected now"

Reality is: Everyone standing around casually chatting while you're standing there clenching your butt looking like you can't stand anyone and making everyone else uncomfortable.

Anxiety is a real bitch.

You sound very needy and hard work tbh with high expectations of what friendships should be about. Most people are just too busy to think about friendships that intensely.