Disliked by people for no apparent reason

[Burnin]

Hi everyone ! Hope some of you are able to give me a perspective on this. I’ve always been around numbers of people, I talk well with them, make them feel welcome, try to make them comfortable, always helped them by going beyond of what I can normally do but most of my friendships (only with girls) ends up with them not liking me. I, personally believe, am not someone who hurts people deliberately ( have seen many people like that) or make them uncomfortable, I try my best of what could I do or give in all my friendships but at the beginning all is great but over the time I feel relationship getting weak rather bring strong. Also in my life I’ve seen many women turning stone cold towards me for no any reasons. It just makes me think that do I come across as a rude or non- interesting person to people or is it something else ? I have 2 or 3 friendships that are great but many of them had only made me feel unwanted or stupid because I do so much for them but in the end get their dejection. I am very spiritual person and normally stay away from bickering people or keeping a wrong intention about them but why does this happen to me ? Is something wrong with me or with them? Help me with your perspective on this ! TIA

I really don’t buy this. The most popular women I know are also very attractive and clever but just generally nice people and very easy to be around.

People like attractive people. They also like rich people and clever people. Ups their own standing innit.

I am a bit like this op. I am ND and I think I have a habit of either trying too hard with people or going the opposite way and coming across as very guarded/distant. It’s hard for me to find a happy medium and feel natural with people unless I get to know them- which I usually don’t get a chance to do.

This is me too!

It's difficult for someone who doesn't actually know you and is just going by what you say to accurately analyse what the issue is.

You may be over intense, you may be needy or it may just be that you're going for full on best friendships with people who don't want that. I know, as DisappearingGirl says, there are times when I have not wanted to have a round at each other's house, constantly messaging etc friendship and would pull back.

My best friend moved away and we have days where we may message all day and then 3 months where we don't communicate at all. But when we get back together/start messaging it's as though we've never stopped.

On the other hand, I know people who would say how kind they are, always thinking about others and that they're always there-and I'm sure they believe that they are. The reality is that they make everything about them, and how upset/happy they are, disappear when real help is needed and are pretty rude to anyone they don't have a use for.
Just because you think you're like that doesn't mean that is how other people see you.

just want to mention- my sister told me that I have a angry face and the way I talk seems sarcastic/ impolite / rude/ angry to people. 😂 but to be honest I am just talking normal.
That may be something to look at. If someone has said you sound rude/angry and you think you're being normal then that would be a reason why people pull back. What does she actually mean there?
I mean, I know people who are as you initially describe, very much people pleasers who go out of their way to please and be helpful, and I can't imagine them also being described as sounding like that. You say obviously you speak differently to your sister, which is fair enough, but your sister doesn't sound like she's talking about you speaking to her, and you also say you're "talking normal", so you don't think you talk differently to her.

I think the best thing you can do is find a couple of people you think will be honest to you. It might be someone who pulled back from you a couple of years ago (don't pick a recent one) or someone you know in a different context, who can tell you how you come across.
Ask them separately how you come across to others. If they agree, then you probably have the reason. If they give two totally different ideas, then say you have trouble keeping friends and do they have any idea why. You may find that they feel they can be more honest when you say that.

Or it could be just one of those things. I've had two people in the last five years who I thought I was close friends with who changed to be pretty nasty. Gradually (and having talked to others) I've realised that it's nothing to do with me, it's them, because they've changed to others too.
Doesn't stop them putting "I'm so kind and everyone loves me" memes on Fb though."

Er ... who said anything about 'going to bars, screaming and getting drunk'? That's a hell of an associative leap you've made there, @Burnin!
And also, to be brutally honest with you, quite revealing. It says an awful lot about the way you see people and the groups you categorise them in. Do you not see that it's a little bit judgemental?

It sounds very much to me to you, anyone who isn't as emotional, intense and 'spiritual' and 'kind' as you must be negative, shallow, uncaring and only interested in getting hammered. You do realise there's a vast middle ground between those two things, right?

I don't hang out with people who 'scream and get drunk' either and get no enjoyment from that kind of thing. I don't do big nights out at all - my mates and I like relaxing and chatting over a meal and a bottle of wine in a nice quiet venue. We certainly don't spend our time screaming and getting drunk. But we also don't spend our time talking about how spiritual we are or restricting our conversation to topics that come from 'pure thoughts' or forcing ourselves to be relentlessly positive.

I think perhaps you might - inadvertently of course - come across to others as a little bit sanctimonious? You don't really seem to see that talking about how kind and wonderful you are and how you never engage in any negativity might seem quite holier-than-thou to others. Your 'pure thoughts' approach seems really rigid to me - it's normal and healthy to think something is shit, and to get that off your chest by having a laugh about it. I think perhaps people feel they can't do that with you, because you'd judge them for it.

Last time I saw my two closest friends, we ended up properly crying with laughter reminiscing about some people we used to work with 20 years ago that we didn't like. We haven't seen those people for 20 years and have no idea where they even are, so they were not being harmed in any way but that conversation - but it was absolutely massively negative and bitchy and sarcastic. And it was also fucking hilarious and cathartic. I and my friends are not nasty or cruel people who are absolutely kind to the people we meet, but we would find it weird and oppressive to hang out with someone who constantly announced that only pure-thoughts-based fun and conversation is acceptable.

@lightunderthesea noted ! But I don’t feel myself as needy or clingy. I myself wouldn’t like people who are constantly asking for attention or meet-ups. I know my boundaries but it just occurred to me that why it is like that. I was doubting myself if something is wrong with me.

I know someone who is helpful and kind and does a lot for others . However what people find off putting is that they try to solve everyone’s problems . Even problems that the other person didn’t know they had .
Things like noticing a fault in someone’s home and offering to fix it or really going overboard to offer help/advice that wasn’t asked for .
Im not saying that this is you but sometimes people can get very put off by people who are over helpful etc

Could you be autistic?

It is massively underdiagnosed in girls and women.

I think 2-3 great friendships is pretty normal.

As we get older, we tend to end up with fewer 'quality' friendships rather than a great quantity of so-so friendships.

I knew someone like this. She was a genuinely nice person. Very non judgemental and very loyal etc. She went way (way) above normal to be there to help people and go out of their way for them but whilst she did it because it was genuinely who she was... her expectations and needs from people around her were just as high and I think it made a lot of people feel drained and suffocated by her. Myself included unfortunately.

@10HailMarys please note that coming from a non English background I might not be able to express properly what I mean to say. I am not judging people in any way. I am just saying that I know my likings and know what kind of people I bond over with. Really didn’t mean in any other way. Also in relation with spiritual thing. I said I am spiritual that means I aM conscious of my doings / thoughts but it doesn’t mean I talk always positive / spiritual, nice things all the time. It just a part of me as a person but it really doesn’t mean that I am constantly chanting positivity , about love or vibes or energy. No not like that at all.

It sounds to me like you're 'too nice' or trying too hard and that comes across as too intense. I find exactly the same and suspect I am ND as my son is. I think it's quite common and NT people find us a little bit overwhelming after a while. I've learnt to really scale back on my 'intenseness' as I've got older but sometimes i still slip up when i really like someone.

Best advice I can give is ‘you do you’. Be the best version of yourself. Think about what YOU want from your friendships, be yourself, and only bother with those who like you as you are, and give you what you want. Dump the rest. Don’t worry about friendships ending. Some do. That’s life.

So what do YOU want from your friendships?

I want fun, happy, confident people who share my interests and give me a boost when I’m down.

I don’t want:

Needy Nellies
Drama Llamas
People who have a history of falling out with others
Debbie Downers
Catty women
Women whose conversation is limited to their own children and DP/H’s career
Extreme people pleasers - very irritating!

Provided they are otherwise good fun I have no problem with:

Gossips
Functioning alcoholics
Queen Bees
Hobby bores
Unreliable people
Eccentrics
Hypochondriacs
Extreme flatterers (now and again!)

I think my point is that friendships are about fun and support, otherwise there’s no point.

@Emilizz34 yes I do go crazy with helping people. I can’t say no. If I am in a position to help someone then ofcourse I do it.

I wonder if you come across as a bit too much. There's a mum at school who is absolutely lovely but whenever I bump into her she's straight onto trying to give me things, get me to go out to the pub with her, go running with her, get me to help her daughter with X, y, z. I'd love to go to the pub sometime with her if I knew she'd back off and calm down a bit, but to be honest I'm avoiding her at the moment because I'm scared what she'll suggest we do next time I see her and it takes me a while to build relationships and I find her way way too much to handle.

Do you think you come across a bit 'too much'? A bit desperate for friends?

This isn’t healthy or attractive. I know that, cos I’ve been like that.

@10hailmarys post is excellent. Listen to her.

I’m unpopular too. Most people think I’m weird. I stopped caring in my late 30s and suddenly I’m becoming more popular 😂

Going out of your way to do things for people excessively comes across as self interested and needy but also crosses boundaries.
That you need them to like you and praise you for being "perfect"
Its incredibly annoying and feels very fake.
What your sister said is interesting as often the "perfect" type of people are very passive aggressive due to constant people pleasing and suppressing their own needs.
Its a martyr/ victim mentality but the pressure of that can come across as not nice at all.

If you are consious of being a people pleaser that might be the problem
I know a few women who are very very nice and polite and thoughtful in the way they are talking, and not saying this is you, but they come across as inauthentic, calculating and a bit creepy.
Just because they're very observant and restrained whilst being overly helpful.
Honestly people in passing mention how very nice they are, but they dont have that easy friendship sort of energy, its like they are always on their best behaviour, or like they are being filmed so are overly concious of their behaviour.

Could never inagine them being deliberately unkind, its just offputting and hard to relax around

To be honest (and this is purely based on reading your posts) you do come across as A Bit Much.

I used to vaguely know a woman in my social circle who was a really nice person, but spending any amount of time with her felt like she was applying for a job and you were interviewing her.

Every interaction was about validating how nice / useful / friendly / generous she was, and ultimately, her neediness was very tiresome.

My best mate and I go out, travel, share hobbies / interests and so on, but equally, we can spend hours in each other's company reading books, drinking wine / tea, occasionally chucking biscuits at each other etc in almost total silence.

We just enjoy hanging out together: we don't have anything to prove to each other, nor is our friendship about how much use or value we are to one another.

Friendship shouldn't be hard work.

This happens to me a lot too. It's usually in the workplace where it happens. I think I'm too blunt and speak my mind too often. I don't conform or kiss arse so people take that as me being contentious and not a "team player". And I usually blank anyone that is rude/disrespectful to me so again I'm not seen team player and don't fit in with what the business wants.

😂 that really doesn’t appear to have any relevance to OP’s situation.

from what you’ve said it sounds like you don’t express any opinions, be a bit more open and honest, don’t be afraid to disagree with people if you have a different point of view.

One of my best friends is like this and my wife, I honestly think it’s because they’re too nice for most people, instead of agreeing with someone’s negative opinions about something or someone they prefer to be neutral or put a positive spin on things, I don’t mind it all, but for a lot of people they want someone to validate them and their negative feelings not just say “oh that’s a shame, I’m sure they didn’t mean it”, if you know what I mean. It can make people feel bad about themselves. I think they also expect a lot of loyalty and devotion from people because that’s what they give to their friends, however, most people are fair weather friends in that you’re only their friend because you fulfil a purpose for them, whether that’s you’re someone fun to hang around with or you have a shared interest or hobby to together etc. If you can’t fulfil their needs anymore they have no issue phasing you out as you didn’t mean that much to them anyway.

I’ve generally found the people with the most friends tend to be outgoing (my wife and best friend aren’t, are both quite introverted and shy), know what people want to hear and tbh are quite fake.

I've always noticed (coming from my own experience sadly) that people who come across as "too nice" or always the "helpful" ones in a group/workplace tend to be treated the worst by others. If they are nice, friendly, but not gossipy, they can be deemed as boring/goody goody types ie. not fun enough to chat away too, but can always be relied upon to be helpful and not complain about it. Because they are "nice." So never included, but always expected of.