Disliked by people for no apparent reason

[Burnin]

Hi everyone ! Hope some of you are able to give me a perspective on this. I’ve always been around numbers of people, I talk well with them, make them feel welcome, try to make them comfortable, always helped them by going beyond of what I can normally do but most of my friendships (only with girls) ends up with them not liking me. I, personally believe, am not someone who hurts people deliberately ( have seen many people like that) or make them uncomfortable, I try my best of what could I do or give in all my friendships but at the beginning all is great but over the time I feel relationship getting weak rather bring strong. Also in my life I’ve seen many women turning stone cold towards me for no any reasons. It just makes me think that do I come across as a rude or non- interesting person to people or is it something else ? I have 2 or 3 friendships that are great but many of them had only made me feel unwanted or stupid because I do so much for them but in the end get their dejection. I am very spiritual person and normally stay away from bickering people or keeping a wrong intention about them but why does this happen to me ? Is something wrong with me or with them? Help me with your perspective on this ! TIA

I think that this might be your way forward. You do have some good friendships and its harder to maintain, or make new friendships as we get older
If you are always helping people and trying to please them, you may be attracting the wrong kind of people anyway, the CFs who take advantage and are only chummy when they want something, which might be why you feel that the friendship gets weaker. If that is the case, that is down to them.

Sometimes you can just not click with people. Other times you can meet someone and click straight away. I've had very varied luck with school gate friendships, they tend to move on as the chldren do and really, I'm glad to be out of that scene now.
So maybe the answer is to find interests and things that you enjoy, even if you have to start doing that on your own at first.
Keep busy, try some new stuff and make time for the friends you do have and try not to worry so much about it. I mean, you can maybe keep a weather eye on it, but I think if you are busy and have some activities you enjoy, you will be much more relaxed.
Try not to expect too much from early friendships, maybe in this respect more is better so you don't get too invested in one friendship. Don't fall over yourself to help out, or constantly offer to solve their problems, wait for them to ask. You sound nice and I am sure there are people out there who would really like to be friends with you.

From what you’ve said here you sound too intense. I think you’re probably over sharing with people and dumping emotions on them which can be very draining.

I would probably listen to your sister, tone it down and be careful with how much you share.

@PrestonHood121 exactly what I feel most of the time. If you’re too nice, you are treated worst, taken for granted. They think we might not feel bad but we do. If people like us are boring then why they also expect too much from us ?
Example- I know this lady for -7-8 years. Our girls are very good friends. This lady asked me to help her with everything. One day she said she don’t have printer in her house so asked me to print her daughter’s worksheets. I did and she kept on bothering me with printing worksheets (12-15 pages every week ) for months. Because we live close by she asked number of times drop her daughter off as she’s working and don’t have time to do that. She knows that I do pickups and drop offs for my son all the time. She bothered me I can’t even remember me how many times. Then there are many examples of it which I don’t like to mention it here. Two months ago I asked her a help and I did not even get a reply from her. This must be the first time in my life I had asked her something. To be honest I wouldn’t mind if she says no. It’s completely ok and I understand sometimes people are not in a situation to help. ( tbh it was a very petty help). The thing that really annoyed me was that I did not even get a respond back ? At least for the sake of all these years, she can at least respond to my message ? This made me think what wrong I have done here ? Where I’ve been wrong with people treating me like this ?

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff exactly what I feel most of the time. If you’re too nice, you are treated worst, taken for granted. They think we might not feel bad but we do. If people like us are boring then why they also expect too much from us ?

Example- I know this lady for -7-8 years. Our girls are very good friends. This lady asked me to help her with everything. One day she said she don’t have printer in her house so asked me to print her daughter’s worksheets. I did and she kept on bothering me with printing worksheets (12-15 pages every week ) for months. Because we live close by she asked number of times drop her daughter off as she’s working and don’t have time to do that. She knows that I do pickups and drop offs for my son all the time. She bothered me I can’t even remember me how many times. Then there are many examples of it which I don’t like to mention it here. Two months ago I asked her a help and I did not even get a reply from her. This must be the first time in my life I had asked her something. To be honest I wouldn’t mind if she says no. It’s completely ok and I understand sometimes people are not in a situation to help. ( tbh it was a very petty help). The thing that really annoyed me was that I did not even get a respond back ? At least for the sake of all these years, she can at least respond to my message ? This made me think what wrong I have done here ? Where I’ve been wrong with people treating me like this ?

I have an unfortunate “tone of face”, so people often think I’m looking “very seriously” or “have a problem”, when it’s just my face.

I find it means people judge me before the know me; or decide I’m reacting in a way I’m probably not.

The answer to your last post is you have given too much, too easily, @Burnin. This encourages people to not value your time or resources, partly because you don’t seem to value these yourself.

The Mumsnet answer to these users is often “No, that doesn’t work for me.” Covers most requests.

Are you actually interested in changing your behaviour though? I ask because at the moment you are getting a big pay off from it - you get to see yourself as giving, helpful, generous, ‘spiritual’, kind etc.

@SparklingLime yes, this particular incident is a big slap on my face. However
many times things have happened but I shredded off as thinking positive. Always tried to see goodness in people. But this one was too much and I don’t find any reason to not even acknowledge my message. I feel insulted and will not entertain anything like this In future. So yes, I will work on myself. Sometimes people are not as they seem to be. A big lesson !

I think you're trying too hard to be "good" and "nice" and, as you say, going over and above what others would usually do. That tends to mask a lot of who you really are underneath, and people pick up on what's not genuine.

If your assessment of the situation has any bearing in truth then there definitely will be reasons - either you can't see them or don't want to admit them. How badly do you want to know? Ask the people that know you - nowhere near as much use asking total strangers I imagine.

I don't know you from Adam but what you wrote seems to me to have a fairly positive spin so maybe you can't see or admit to your own faults - self awareness is a great quality. All the positive things you said are about yourself and all the negative things are about other people - their relationships or responses to you - that just doesn't add up - I can spell out many of defects and have a pretty good idea what people do or don't like about me. If I have a problem with other people I probably know why and if I don't I will wonder what part I played in it. Rarely is it just down to a misunderstanding - it's usually something pretty obvious.

This next bit may sound brutal and make a poor impression!

"I am very spiritual person" - I've no real idea exactly what you mean by that. That might be an issue for some people perhaps - that's the only thing I can speculate on.

I, for instance, am an atheist; overtly religious people are a real switch off for me - if you your religion is really important to you that's fine but we are probably not going to get on - I'd be polite enough - I just wouldn't want to get into anything more than in terms of a friendship or relationship - I see things as a physicist and I have a fairly limited tolerance for anything to do with organised religion, pseudo-science, conspiracy theories, climate sceptics, creationists, alternative medicine e.g. Reiki, and other such mumbo-jumbo. Not all science minded people are the same obviously.

Ask people that know you - if you can handle the truth (subjective as it will be in this case!) - you might be surprised if you really haven't got a clue - in some ways bringing up deeper issues can be a way to deepen a relationship - it's better that you know though isn't it? The truth might set you free. Be brave. Good luck. Evolve.

@larkstar thank you for taking time to answer my post. You are an atheist, I respect that. I wouldn’t want to question it why. Coming to what you’ve said, I strongly disagree with your remarks. I have consistently emphasised on the fact that I don’t know why my friendships doesn’t go long even after being nice to people. I mentioned spiritual not to show that how nice I am but to give people a background of who I am. As you can clearly make out from my question that I had begun to doubt myself why this keeps on repeating. Is it something wrong with me ? Do I go overboard or do I look awkward around the people?

@larkstar I am self aware. I know my drawbacks, positive qualities, negative qualities. I am a human and might not be perfect but at least I try to be kind and thoughtful which many people are not and I don’t have any complain about it. I can’t correct / change people but I can change the way i perceive them or improve myself

Have you heard of toxic positivity, @Burnin ? I think you might be inflicting it upon yourself. Here: Toxic positivity

@SparklingLime thanks fir this. I read it, it’s actually nice. Yes toxic positivity can be harmful and I accept that many times I tried to ignore or not acknowledge something bad ( rude behaviour, impoliteness, bullying or negative comments). I always try to divert my mind and think positive even in the worst case scenarios. I ignore people’s hurtful comments or behaviour (thinking they might not have done intentionally ) until to that extent where I cannot take it more and burst out. Could you believe the example I stated above about the lady, I began to think she might have not read my message or her daughter must have deleted it by mistake. Making positive scenarios in my head. But a voice from inside is saying it’s not possible. I am being too positive.

I dont think its toxic positivity.
That is when you ignore the emotions or needs of others and answer with a positive sound bite.
" my cat died"
" cheer up , you can get another one"

This sounds like the Op is putting their needs second to the needs of others ,to avoid conflict but of course it eventually gathers pace and as she says bursts out.
The woman in the example was clearly using the Op and did not reciprocate.
Its not wise to look for the good, assume they didnt see your message when in fact the woman has used you for her own ends.

You say she " bothered" you yet you seem powerless to say no.

I think you try too hard. Relax a little.

It might be that you are too nice, toxic positivity, etc. But if you really want to get to the bottom of it, you need to ask people you are friends with what the problem is and be prepared to hear hard truths. Thinking of those I know who sound like they are in a similar situation to you, their idea of who they are and how they come across is very different from how people actually experience them. They aren't horrible people, but the have ways of presenting themselves that are off-putting. It is impossible for us to say what those are on here.

I thought the same thing! Sometimes people who are neurodivergent don't pick up on the same 'social cues' as others and so friendships can get strained and awkward. Definitely something to consider!

I can recommend a book. 'The courage to be disliked'. It's really good. It tells us to stop concerning ourselves with whether people like us or not because that is not our 'task'. If someone else dislikes us that is their business. Someone else mentioned being authentic. That's it. Be yourself. If someone rejects that friendship then that is about them and not you.

We can't be friends with everyone or liked by everyone.

The other thing that comes across to me is that you said English isn't your first language. The town I live in is frankly quite insular and racist. I have a friend who is from another country and although she speaks great English, she speaks fast and has an accent. She's perfectly easy to understand but I notice an awful lot of dismissive and low level racist behaviour in our town when I'm with her. It's not nice to see. She has got some good friends though. Is it possible that you just don't click with a lot of the people around you?

To an extent, I feel like this. I'm not from our town originally. I don't want to be friends with everyone.. you have to find people you feel relaxed with and have an affinity for.

@Windywuss racism do exist and I know that and I’ve been a victim of it myself many times. Sometimes it’s brutal and many a times it’s subtle. The environment I live in, people do behave so cruel and mean to me but it’s so subtle that it’s very difficult to pinpoint it. I’ve been to situations where I was felt like I am invisible but that is another part. I think it’s because of the accent I have. But there are people who are from other European countries who speaks even more bad English than me. Does it have a link with the colour of skin ? But then I have seen people making friends regardless of their skin colour - happy and chirpy but of of course I don’t know how do they feel deep or treated in other social scenarios . This is just my observation .

@Burnin I'm sorry you have experienced racism, both obvious and subtle. I don't know if it is worse because of skin colour. I expect it could well be. Of course people can and do make friends regardless of their race, thank goodness or what a world it would be otherwise!

I was just gently trying to suggest that if you are 'different' for whatever reason in some places, making friends can be harder. It took me a long time. Getting a dog helped...and then having a child. You find things in common.

I could only say be yourself. Don't try and change to fit in. Good friends are the ones who will accept you as you are, not because you are doing nice things for them.

I still feel I don't really fit in here but I've found a few good friends and reasons to 'click' with them.

You sound like me. Sometimes if you're not relaxed (I.e. overthinking, being too polite etc) you don't come across as genuine so people can't relax either. There may be a language barrier, although you write fluently there may be a disconnect in tone of voice, getting jokes, references, this isn't racism just the way it is. People are lazy and don't want to put the effort into it.

A friend said some friendships are for a reason and some for a season which offended me as I'm Christian and believe in an ideal world we should all be friends and remain friends but with age I've come to realise she is right and it is OK.

You'll find your "tribe" if you keep putting yourself out there but your tribe may change with the "seasons" of life to, let people go as it makes room for new ones.

OP, of course it’s impossible to discount racism or xenophobia from what you say, but one thing no one else seems to have mentioned is that your responses on here are often extremely self-righteous.

It’s less that you’re highlighting your own ‘spirituality’ and ‘pure thoughts’, than that you are continually contrasting these with other people’s ‘rude’/‘thoughtless’/‘cruel’/‘mean’ behaviour. And you’re aggrieved that the mean people and users still don’t want to be friends with you, even though you’re so much nicer than they are. Why, might one ask, do you even want to be friends with these people whom you neither like nor respect?

One issue with your friendship problems is certainly, as multiple pps have pointed out, is that you’re a chronic people-pleaser. You bustle around doing things for people, never acting or speaking authentically, never saying no, and never disagreeing, and think that translates into friendship. It doesn’t. It just means you have actively set up a situation in which you’re a kind of semi-invisible servant, not an independent human being with a life, her own values and choices. That’s not all ‘other people being nasty users’, and you being terribly nice and giving, that’s partly you making poor choices.

Letting your child’s friend’s mother continually ‘bother’ you for months to do something you clearly resented was your choice. Do you think other potential friends are going to respect someone who sets up as service provider to someone they don’t even like or approve of?

@Mumteedum thank you so much for your kind and wise words. It’s really helpful.

@ScatKat thank you ! For some people to move from one to next is do easy. They are happy and friends with a person today and to the another next today (forgetting the past one if they are not useful anymore ) but I guess this is how it works. And it has nothing to do with others but me not letting go and holding over it. But thanks for your wise words.

If you are indeed ND, then the majority of the posts on here are rather ableist and unhelpful.

No amount of contorting yourself to conform will change how your brain works. If it had worked then you wouldn’t be here posting.

Try to avoid the internalising, overthinking, anxiety, self loathing loop with every failed interaction. Consider therapy if you can, to curb the people pleasing and learn better boundaries. But above all else you must give yourself as much grace and compassion as you seem to be showing “friends” who seemingly don’t deserve it.