Disliked by people for no apparent reason

[Burnin]

Hi everyone ! Hope some of you are able to give me a perspective on this. I’ve always been around numbers of people, I talk well with them, make them feel welcome, try to make them comfortable, always helped them by going beyond of what I can normally do but most of my friendships (only with girls) ends up with them not liking me. I, personally believe, am not someone who hurts people deliberately ( have seen many people like that) or make them uncomfortable, I try my best of what could I do or give in all my friendships but at the beginning all is great but over the time I feel relationship getting weak rather bring strong. Also in my life I’ve seen many women turning stone cold towards me for no any reasons. It just makes me think that do I come across as a rude or non- interesting person to people or is it something else ? I have 2 or 3 friendships that are great but many of them had only made me feel unwanted or stupid because I do so much for them but in the end get their dejection. I am very spiritual person and normally stay away from bickering people or keeping a wrong intention about them but why does this happen to me ? Is something wrong with me or with them? Help me with your perspective on this ! TIA

@Moonface123 I don’t consider myself too attractive. I think I look fine. 😉

I’ve asked my family to tell me that why is this. The reason they told me was that I am an over thinker and think a lot about people. They believe people are like that generally and you can’t and should not be too much attached to relationships. They find me very emotional.

spiritual means not being unkind and thinking before if I say something so that I don’t hurt people. Even when I talk or think I try to keep my intentions right so that my advice or comments are not coming from jealousy or anger but from pure thoughts.

OK, so ... to me, this sounds very emotional, very intense and quite needy. It sounds like you're treating every friendship with way more emotional intensity and over-analysis than a lot of people are comfortable. I'll be totally honest with you: I would probably find you hard work. People who are very emotional and sensitive can be quite overwhelming to some other people.

I would also find someone who talked about their spirituality and their 'pure thoughts' and their desire to avoid negativity very difficult to be friends with. It's just all very over-earnest for me. It sounds like you take yourself quite seriously and are very interested in talking about emotions and positivity all the time. For people who are a bit more grounded and practical, or are naturally quite flippant and ironic in their sense of humour or general approach to life, you might be quite difficult company.

You are clearly a nice person, well-meaning and kind. But you come across - to someone like me - as someone who I would want to lighten up a bit. I would say that all my friends are lovely, kind people but with a bit of an edge to them in terms of things like sense of humour and interests. For instance, if someone shares positivity memes and quotes on Facebook, I cannot be good friends with them.

My friend of many years (37) drives me crazy at times. I honestly love her, I've gone and helped with the physical care of her parents even though she's hours away etc. But she needs me to come to her ALWAYS it's not that she's using me, it's herin the moment ADHD and she's got very little clue of what's going on with me sometimes. She thinks I have times when I'm in a mood, or don't quite care. Logically she has learned to reach out to me. But she sees our friendship as strong/ weak as though on a score (it used to upset me, but we are just different). I see us moving through our different lives at different paces, with the constant being our friendship. Fortunately she listens when I remind her what she means to me

Been there, got the T-shirt, OP! If you can try to be a bit more 'selfish' (you actually won't be being selfish, in reality) then others might start to warm to you. Think about it from the other angle. Would you rather meet up with a friend who just smiles, sympathises and nods at you, or would you rather meet up with a friend who might occasionally have differing opinions to you which opens up discussion?

Could you perhaps be neuro-divergent?

I don’t know something about your post resonates with things that I struggled with for many years. Often being told I’m too sensitive, intense, weird, awkward etc only to find out that there were other things going on beneath the surface.

@Circumferences that’s quite interesting. Could be my thought process playing with me.

@SpaceRaiders will check on that. Haven’t heard of it before.

ADHD immediately came to mind, it’s know to overlap with Autism and various other things. Definitely worth looking into.

Yes, it might be that you come across as being intense. You sound like a lovely person though.
I have a friend who is a bit like this. Love them very much but I wish they would relax, let go and have a laugh sometimes. We have interesting conversations but it’s always serious and sometimes I just want to switch off and relax.
If this sounds like you then maybe you could widen you social circle and try to meet more people with common interests. There are many people who really value loyal friends. 🙂

Thinking of the people I know who don't make friends and would like to, and judging from what you are saying here, I would suggest that either you could be too intense, or too bland in your conversation (and therefore boring to spend time with) or alternatively, do you talk non-stop? Those three reasons are the ones I have come across among people who aren't actively unkind to others.

@greenhebeaww I might not agree fully with people on something but I feel what’s the point of telling them that I disagree with them. I would rather just hmmm to their conversation than being in an argument.

just want to mention- my sister told me that I have a angry face and the way I talk seems sarcastic/ impolite / rude/ angry to people. 😂 but to be honest I am just talking normal. She’s my sister so the way I talk to her is not normally I talk to people. 🙃

@sonjadog hmmm possible. In some occasion I feel I’ve nothing fun to talk with them. I might be boring to them 🤷‍♀️

I’ve experienced this a lot. I almost certainly have ADHD. People always like me to start with - I’m warm, quite fun/funny spontaneous, etc - but I think I can start to annoy people after a while. I can also get massively overwhelmed/overstimulated in social situations and have been known to suddenly decide I need to go home. I also forget things/arrangements. And get really paranoid I’ve upset people and then overcompensate clumsily! After years of this (am nearly 40) the default in my brain is that no one will like me, so I stop bothering. Like you, I have a couple of close friends (and my dh) who like me anyway.

RE the not bothering because I’m paranoid people won’t like me - they then think I’m aloof/snooty instead! I know this but still do it.

This with bells on.

@10HailMarys 🤣🤣 but I do joke and have fun. I don’t think I am too serious. I also like to have fun with kids or adults. But yes I am not that person who will go to a bar, scream and be drunk. That’s definitely not my type. I know few people in my life who are like that and I instantly knew we cannot bond over as our interests and the way we have fun are different.

🤣

You say you ‘do so much for them’ and describe yourself as over-emotional and an over thinker.

Are you certain you’re not coming across as clingy and needy? I’ve had a couple of friends like this - over-generous, always trying to be involved in your life/borderline pushy, feeling that any boundary is automatically a rejection and becoming hurt and martyred, analysing every conversation, needing constant reassurance, to know when you’re next meeting up, to have their messages answered instantly … it’s absolutely exhausting.

Both really nice people but I was forced in the end to keep them at arm’s length and eventually just let go of the relationships. They were just too much, and it was suffocating.

One of them had form for moving from couple to couple and fostering immediate ‘besties’ kind of friendships with her and her DH, and the recipients of all her attention and affection would quickly become overwhelmed and start to distance themselves until she was forced to move on to someone else. I felt enormously sorry for her, but once she started to try to organise for our families to spend every weekend together I had to reverse out of the situation very quickly. Couldn’t even dial it down gently as she wouldn’t take no for an answer and became very emotional. Not very many people feel comfortable with that level of intensity.

Does any of that resonate with you?

@littlepeas you’ve summed that up perfectly! I’ve stopped making an effort, existing is hard enough at the best of times.😅

@EnjoythemoneyJane no I don’t think I am something like that. I don’t need instant reply for my messages, I don’t ask them to meet me all the time, I don’t make plans and constantly push them to join. Nothing like that.

You sound like a really nice person, naturally nice, but also someone who goes out of their way to be a good person too. However, friendships and being a good person aren't really connected, such that one is not dependent on the other, so leave how you are as a person to one side. Concentrate on how you engage with others. You sound a bit over invested and needy from your posts. I can't even say exactly why, but it's a first impression. I believe that good friendships mostly develop naturally over time, and people that invest too much time in trying to be my friend, too quickly are difficult to manage. I find myself not wanting to text these people to say a quick hello, because within 5 minutes they will be organising the whole family for the weekend, and it's never nice turning people down, especially if it becomes a regular thing.

It's hard to know for sure without knowing you but based on what you've posted it sounds like you're a people pleaser and are giving off quite a needy and dependent vibe.

This:

I try my best of what could I do or give in all my friendships but at the beginning all is great but over the time I feel relationship getting weak rather bring strong.

makes me suspect you are probably making people feel a bit stifled.

Too much niceness and accomodating behaviour can actually be a bit of a turnoff because it makes people feel they don't know who you really are and that you have an ulterior motive.

I suspect if you work on your self-esteem, having better boundaries and enjoying your own company more you will project less dependency and become more attractive.

It's easier said than done, I grant you. Have you ever had any counselling?

Just another idea OP. I know I am very busy with work, kids, elderly parents, etc. I don't have enough time to see my existing friends as much as I would like to.

I still enjoy chatting to other friends/acquaintances e.g. at work, school pickup etc. But if one of these acquaintances tried to make overtures towards doing more "friend" stuff e.g. meeting up, I might start to back away a little (unless either we or our kids got on especially well) - simply because I don't really have time for another friendship and I wouldn't want to start one up and end up letting them down. It wouldn't mean I didn't like them or had anything personal against them.

I just wondered if some people might not have the time in their lives to strike up a new full-on friendship. This may be along the wrong lines but just another idea!

I know a lady who constantly runs herself down ... fishing for compliments - she's a nmice woman but oh god no one wants to sit next to her as it's all happy chirpy chirpy "oh i am so fat, i look awful, i cant do this that whatever"
exhusting

Could it be that you just expect too much back from people? I had a friend once who was always incredibly helpful, would have gone so far out of her way to help me even if I didn't ask for it or particularly need it. In one way it was lovely, but I kind of felt there was an expectation that it was reciprocated and I just couldn't do that to the same level. We ended up drifting apart as it started to make me feel a bit uncomfortable. I don't know how much of it was her expectations and how much was me just feeling like it was expected - but either way it was just a mismatch.