To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

Its not good practice to teach kids to avoid something by taking the day off.

"Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc"

Stop bubble wrapping, start parenting

Exactly, what does it teach for the future

Were you expected to do times tables in front of the entire school plus a selection of parents, with your rank compared to much more sble peers being quite clear to all of them? And does infant school PE form an important part of a qualification that it's difficult to do many jobs or further/higher education courses without, meaning the costs of opting out are quite high? Because unless the answer to both of these questions is yes, which it isn't, the comparison is pointless.

Exactly what I was thinking!

Well said @carefullycourageous

Self care and how to not run yourself into the ground with stress. And, importantly, that nobody should be made to do something that they loathe and find humiliating - most sensible adults wouldn’t choose to do something that makes them feel this way, why should children be made to?

Let her stay off.
I was (still am!) not sporty at all, I was always picked last for teams in primary school and came last on sports day.
It didn't help me, just made my very slow self esteem even lower.

I will keep my kids off if they're like I was.

I wasn’t sporty and always came last but was proud of myself for it anyway 😂

Lovely. Have a day off. Its going to be hot so get the paddling pool out.
I've always given mine the odd day too. Dd is Yr 6 and I fully intend to have one last cheeky day off before schools our. A day at the local.open air pool without the crowds.

Either keep her home, or stick a tubigrip on her ankle and tell the Teacher she's twisted it, so can't take part in any races etc., but she can still be there to cheer people on.

What has made her he anxious about being last? What is wrong with it in her eyes? Why doesnt she enjoy participating even if she is last?

You need to find out why she is thinking this way. This attitude will not help in the future. She needs to know that you can have fun regardless of where you come in a race,and she needs to learn to be pleased for those who do come first.

You dont have to be any good at something to enjoy it!

Unfortunately life is a big competition, some people win at everything,some people loss at everything.

Building up the tools to deal with life is what parenting all about. This is one of the learning opportunities to help shape your childs views and attitude for the future.

Avoidance is not a healthy technique to deal with feelings.

All children are in a 'race' with exams results,you can pick some of the races they enter,but not all. I was forced to do a language at GCSE,which I was really bad at. it did give me reliance for later on and made me see those who are good at languages in a different light and respect them more. Sport days can be the equivalent for those good at sports.

We are all in a race regarding our academbic abilities,looks,personality,and health. Learning to be last is a life skill.

Let her stay at home, do something nice together

With all due respect, its not all to do with coming last. It's to do feeling like all eyes are on you while you are failing at something you hate. And then having kids judge you afterwards. Letting your team down. It's a horrendous feeling that I remember only too well

I used to let them take the day off - it seems pointless to me unless they enjoy it.

its not all to do with coming last. It's to do feeling like all eyes are on you while you are failing at something you hate. And then having kids judge you afterwards. Letting your team down. It's a horrendous feeling that I remember only too well

Exactly. I'm really surprised that schools are not doing more to avoid the annual humiliation of children.

There is no way that the same school would line up all the kids by their spelling test results so that everyone (including parents) could see who came last. They simply wouldn't. Not would they put a child with dyslexia in a team for a spelling competition, and have the rest of the team blame them for their failure to win.

I was lucky, my kids loved sports day. So I didn't give it a thought, and would probably have been one of the people saying that you shouldn't keep her off. But since then, my experience with another much loved child has meant that I've seen the light.

I was forced to do a language at GCSE,which I was really bad at. it did give me reliance for later on and made me see those who are good at languages in a different light and respect them more.

I bet you got your results privately, in an envelope though.

Yes, let her stay at home. Be on her side, she needs you.

They’re massively different.

I liked football when I was little. I still hated PE at school, so much so that I would get stomach cramps from the anxiety. Now I like running and boxing, but even the thought of something like an aerobics class, a dance class, or a game of rounders or anything else involving throwing, catching, hitting a ball with a bat or stick, jumping over things … absolutely not. I literally have nightmares about it.

With all due respect, its not all to do with coming last. It's to do feeling like all eyes are on you while you are failing at something you hate. And then having kids judge you afterwards. Letting your team down. It's a horrendous feeling that I remember only too well

So you draw on your own experience and either teach her not all eyes are not on her, failure is not participating, being resilant, being confident about doing your best and not thinking others are judging you. Or teach her to hide.

MH resilence and strength come from learning skills like these starting from an early age. There is a lot of truth in "its the taking part that counts".

I was crap at sports too, but did learn a lot from taking part year after year.

What has made her he anxious about being last? What is wrong with it in her eyes? Why doesnt she enjoy participating even if she is last?

It’s because other kids are complete cunts about it.

Hope that helps.

Do the people saying resilience, taking part has value even if you’re last, etc, not realise that these sorts of humiliations stay with people for their whole lives and cause them issues into adulthood? That issue could well be a deep seated dread of all sport and physical activity - not a desired outcome - or it could have a huge, detrimental affect on their confidence. Just because you think it is a learning experience does not mean it will be for that individual, especially when they are already dreading it! Humiliation is never a worthwhile experience.

It was pretty clear I was rubbish during the 5 years of class lessons so all knew I was rubbish too. But I knew there were other things I was good at ,and other things I wasnt. Everyone was aware that people had weaknesses and strengths. Surely that's a good lesson to learn for life?

Results are published at some point,especially if a child goes to uni. They were published on a notice board for all to see.

Why would a child feel ashamed?

As long as a person has put effort in and done their best why would they feel like they have failed? That is a learned behaviour that will not help them in life.

@veralera Do you think you are projecting your own negative experiences and emotions onto her and its rubbing off? You say you remember that feeling only too well....

This is AIBU and I think you are as you are not preparing your child for the challenges that life will bring. She needs to learn the tools to deal with what life will bring her,good and bad.

If you dont learn skills as a child it's so much harder later on.

I say this as someone who's own mother projected many things on to me and did not give me life skills I needed to be a happy healthy adult.

But I knew there were other things I was good at ,and other things I wasnt.

@1nsertusername, OP has made it very clear that her DD is struggling in all areas. It's really annoying that people are ignoring that and burbling on about being good at some things and bad at others.

She struggles all the time, but sports day makes it publically humiliating. Can you not see that?

I think you are as you are not preparing your child for the challenges that life will bring. She needs to learn the tools to deal with what life will bring her,good and bad.

FFS. She faces those challenges every day. Go back and read all of OP's posts.