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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let my dd miss school on sports day?

351 replies

veralera · 14/06/2022 09:36

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

OP posts:
noscoobydoodle · 14/06/2022 15:51

I was a very unsporty kid and hated sports day- I played a musical instrument at a high level in secondary school purely to be excused from the toxic pe lessons. I wouldn't make DD go if she felt strongly against it, but I would raise it with school. DD1 is naturally sporty like her dad and loves sports day so not an issue so far (DD2 definitely more like me but her seem to run a pretty inclusive and non-sports sports day!). It took me a long time after leaving school to realise you don't have to be the best/fastest to enjoy a sport- I've tried and enjoyed football, hockey and martial arts as a mediocre adult and loved it! It sounds like your DD already has that lesson under her belt so good for her.

ApplesandBunions · 14/06/2022 15:54

veralera · 14/06/2022 15:46

Absolutely and sadly this is the case for my daughter. She seems to be getting knocked in confidence in absolutely everything lately. All I can do is keep confirming her many good qualities and boost her as much as I can.

Show quote history

You're doing the right thing.

abblie · 14/06/2022 15:55

My daughter is the same hates sports day and pe. Sports day should be a choice with students some are good at it some are not. I'd let her have day off

maddiemookins16mum · 14/06/2022 16:03

I’m normally a bit fgs about this sort of thing, but maybe I’m getting mellow in my old age. I’d keep her off too. In fact I’d go and do something nice, even just for an ice-cream. It’s things like this that your DD will never forget.

everythingelseisafacade · 14/06/2022 16:04

What are you teaching her exactly? That she can just checkout and not turn up if she's having a bad day or doesn't want to do something - great parenting there OP 👍

Pottedpalm · 14/06/2022 16:07

My mother was very much of the ‘get on with it’ type but once, just once, she let me miss school. We took a train to a different town so we didn’t worry about being seen, she bought me a new dress (heaven) and sandals and we had lunch out, then a walk by the river and an ice cream. It was all a huge treat, as there was so little money, and I appreciated it so much. I knew it was a one off.

MsTSwift · 14/06/2022 16:10

Nah. Sports day for the unsporty self conscious type is its own special unique hell unmatched by any other unpleasant thing. It’s the public nature of it.

MsTSwift · 14/06/2022 16:11

And potted plant obviously don’t know your age but you are remembering that all those years later…

Dobbysgotthesocks · 14/06/2022 16:11

Being forced to attend sports day and then being humiliated because you have come last doesn't build resilience!!! It just reinforces all the negative thoughts and feelings and makes anxiety worse. No child ever became more resilient by being humiliated!
If your not good at athletics sports day is hell. I longed to be allowed to stay home by sadly my mother had the same ridiculous idea that it would build my resilience by taking part. It didn't. Fortunately by the time I got to secondary school nobody was forced to compete in races. Sports day was part of a larger celebration of the end of term and you competed for points in all manners of school activities. All subjects participated and you competed for your form. That way everyone could contribute somehow.

Op I would let her stay off if she wants to. I would however be setting expectations of what she would do instead. It doesn't have to be too much fun and games at home.

ApplesandBunions · 14/06/2022 16:11

everythingelseisafacade · 14/06/2022 16:04

What are you teaching her exactly? That she can just checkout and not turn up if she's having a bad day or doesn't want to do something - great parenting there OP 👍

Lmao imagine having written this and thinking you're in any position to give opinions on parenting quality.

MsTSwift · 14/06/2022 16:12

Exactly. Shit parenting writ large!

Pottedpalm · 14/06/2022 16:19

Pottedpalm · 14/06/2022 16:07

My mother was very much of the ‘get on with it’ type but once, just once, she let me miss school. We took a train to a different town so we didn’t worry about being seen, she bought me a new dress (heaven) and sandals and we had lunch out, then a walk by the river and an ice cream. It was all a huge treat, as there was so little money, and I appreciated it so much. I knew it was a one off.

😄 decades ago!
i must have looked sight, red eyes and blotchy face from crying but a big grin every time I remembered the dress in the carrier bag. ‘Making memories’ wasn’t a thing in those days, but we sure did 🙂

zingally · 14/06/2022 16:20

I hated sports day as well, always came last, but it honestly never occurred to me to ask for a day off.
I knew I was crap at sports, but I also knew I was the best reader in the class so... swings and roundabouts. My parents were always very much "there's always something you're going to be better at, or worse at, than others."

Saying that, I probably would be inclined to let her have the day off. But she's definitely old enough to sit down with and talk about the pros and cons of letting her have it off, and to have a mature conversation about it.
I wouldn't go off and have a jolly though... She does some maths and writing in the morning, and perhaps in the afternoon she could create a powerpoint or a leaflet or something about a famous sportsperson? Or learn about some weird, niche sport?

Pottedpalm · 14/06/2022 16:21

Sorry I thought I was quoting MsTSwift

chiffchaffchiff · 14/06/2022 16:23

MsTSwift · 14/06/2022 16:10

Nah. Sports day for the unsporty self conscious type is its own special unique hell unmatched by any other unpleasant thing. It’s the public nature of it.

Very true. It took me years to realise that exercise could actually be fun.

I think you should let her off OP. As adults we do things we don't like but only to an extent. If I had to run a race with an audience for my job, I'd go find another job. I actually did the equivalent with an admin role that turned out to involve public speaking. Nobody mentioned the monthly presentation to 400 staff members or the weekly presentation to senior execs until after I'd started. I powered through my notice then found something else.

Blahdeblahaha · 14/06/2022 16:31

Sports day is crap, but I still wouldn't let mine miss it, whether it is because even taking part they score one point or because part of it is to support those taking part in your team also learning that sometimes you are not the greatest at stuff, but the sky won't fall in and in a couple of days no-one remembers so look on the race as an inconvenient part of the day of less than a minute that just has to be done. Such a small part of the day and they would miss out on everything else and you never know, maybe all those in front will trip over!

LuaDipa · 14/06/2022 16:33

I’d let her stay home.

Original poster
veralera · 14/06/2022 16:36

Blahdeblahaha · 14/06/2022 16:31

Sports day is crap, but I still wouldn't let mine miss it, whether it is because even taking part they score one point or because part of it is to support those taking part in your team also learning that sometimes you are not the greatest at stuff, but the sky won't fall in and in a couple of days no-one remembers so look on the race as an inconvenient part of the day of less than a minute that just has to be done. Such a small part of the day and they would miss out on everything else and you never know, maybe all those in front will trip over!

That's something I've actually spoken to her about this afternoon. There's no way of knowing wether she will come last or not and I said the exact same - the better runners can sometimes get too competitive and fall. I've seen that happen many times! There is also a skipping race which I can imagine would cause a few falls so I've told dd about 'slow and steady wins the race!'

OP posts:
TeaWithFlorence · 14/06/2022 16:36

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc

And

And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do

Are completely contradictory. You've taught her it's ok to pick and choose when she fancies attending school. She probably thinks just put on a tired face and mum will let me have a lovely day off. Yes she should go to sports day. Unless theyre ill they should be at school.

spuddy56 · 14/06/2022 16:40

I still remember so clearly the sports day where I came last in everything. It was horrendous. I'm tearing up thinking about your daughter. Please don't make her. For what it's worth I now have a hugely active lifestyle with running, cycling and hiking. Keep her activity fun and joyful!

Original poster
veralera · 14/06/2022 16:46

TeaWithFlorence · 14/06/2022 16:36

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc

And

And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do

Are completely contradictory. You've taught her it's ok to pick and choose when she fancies attending school. She probably thinks just put on a tired face and mum will let me have a lovely day off. Yes she should go to sports day. Unless theyre ill they should be at school.

I absolutely appreciate what you're saying here. However I come from a childhood where I wasn't listened too. Where I felt I didn't matter. I am now in therapy for this as it's left me with a lifetime of scars and struggles. I was the child that was sent to school when I was so poorly because I was told by my parents i was faking it. Only to be usually sent home from school later in the day with a high temperature or throwing up all over my classmates in assembly.

So yes while I let my dc have the odd day off if they are struggling...I'll take that any day over being not listener too.

Sadly it actually brings me great joy to know my dc will come to me with how they feel, what worry's they have and what they need of me as that's something I never experienced as a kid.....so I must be doing something right!

OP posts:
Grissini50 · 14/06/2022 16:55

I would absolutely 100% let her have the day off. I am another one who still remembers the intense ritual humiliation of sports days 40 years later. Making me run in races that I was 100% going to come last in has not led me to be an especially resilient adult, all it achieved was humiliation on the day. And it took me years and years to do any exercise again as an adult. My own DD tells me she is the 3rd slowest in her class, and she already hates 'racing' - she's only in KS1 and sports day is still quite inclusive/ non-competitive, but I will keep her off in KS2 if that changes.

DriftGames · 14/06/2022 17:02

My DD is only 2 but if she feels this way when she's old enough, I'd absolutely keep her off. I'd sooner spend the day taking her out for a nature walk and discussing what we see/find whilst still being physical than force her into something she will feel awkward/upset about.

saraclara · 14/06/2022 17:04

Looking back I think my kids' primary school had it right.
They had some competitive/athletic races and events and some fun ones. Each kid chose two to enter. The sporty kids were obviously encouraged to enter the ones that were entirely about athleticism, and others could enter the fun ones (that involved some degree of luck).

Mariposista · 14/06/2022 17:07

everythingelseisafacade · 14/06/2022 16:04

What are you teaching her exactly? That she can just checkout and not turn up if she's having a bad day or doesn't want to do something - great parenting there OP 👍

I agree with you. I was horrendous at maths as a kid - should I have been allowed to opt out of times tables tests? Kids have to learnt that we’re not all good at everything and how to handle stuff they are bad at, even if that means losing everything with good grace,and congratulating the winner.