To let my dd miss school on sports day?

[veralera]

She's 10. She really finds pe very difficult, she takes after me and just isn't particularly good at sports, isn't a fast runner etc etc.

She does however play for a girls football team. But being completely honest - she's by far the weakest player. She enjoys it though and I am unbelievably proud of her for sticking at it. I can guarantee that wouldn't of been me at that age.

She's had a tough couple of days, sports day is on Friday. Firstly, her football team played in a tournament on Saturday and she scored an own goal. She also passed the ball to the wrong player causing them to score on the opposite team. She was absolutely mortified and the girls on her team were (understandably to an extent) not the kindest to her.

Yesterday she had sports day practice. She came out of school very emotional because she came last in every race. She begged me to let her have sports day off school.

Now I won't lie, I do let my dc stay at home every now and then. If they seem a bit stressed, tired, run down, overwhelmed with school work etc. this doesn't happen often, it's not a regular thing but I have done it in the past and used it to spend quality one on one time with my dc.

I remember what it's like on sports day. I used to do the same thing to my mum every year and beg for the day off. I know exactly how my dd is feeling and I feel for her so much. Her confidence has really been knocked over the past couple of days.

What would you do?

Just to add - the last time she was off school was in January when she had covid. She hasn't had a day off since.

My gut is telling me to let her stay at home but equally I don't want to have this every year. And I don't want her to think she can always get out of things she doesn't want to do.

I've spent last night filling her with praise, telling her I am so proud of her regardless of sports day or anything else and making sure she's well aware of the many many positive and amazing qualities she has.

I just feel bad for her - I hate sports day even now! It's not always fun for kids or parents for that matter!

Mine was pretty much the only child with no stickers at sports day one year - It was pretty humiliating as they gave stickers for team events, solo events, pretty much anything in order to ensure everyone felt like a winner. I gave her the day off the following year and any other years she felt she needed it. Think dc2 had the day off one year as well.

Your dc sounds resilient and happy, OP. I would just call her in sick and have a nice time together. I definitely wouldn’t be taking my child in to participate because ‘someone has to come last’ as a pp commented.

I would keep her off if you can. Primary school sports are very limiting and divisive. I have one sporty and one very non sporty child so can't do this. I was like the non sporty one as a child as well as very uncoordinated and dreaded sports day. I found my rhythm late teens/uni and now regularly run and gym and have some fairly decent PBs (still can't skip!). She may find more non team sports (e.g. water sports) open to her as she gets older and you can redefine sport for her this way.

Let her have the day off. I detested sports day. I dreaded it so much on the lead up and I was crap at everything.

Not directly related to your thread subject but has your daughter tried parkrun? It’s such a fun, inclusive activity. Our eldest 2 aren’t sporty or coordinated at all (I’m still emotionally a little bruised from trying to get our second good enough on his bike to take part in bikeability at school!). They both enjoy parkrun. We often walk and I’m on first name terms with the tail walkers at our local parkrun. They love working towards getting the milestone t-shirts (we always celebrate with chocolate cake 😋) and because you get your own times, they can get new personal bests whatever time they’re crossing the finish line in. They recognise that no one wants to be the one coming in last - which is why they have a tail walker. It is their role to be the last person over the finish line.

I would definitely speak to school. If she’s struggling then it is part of their job to help support that. If it’s a good primary school they should have some strategies to suggest. If they don’t offer something you deem suitable then I would tell them that you’ll be keeping her home. I think it’s a good lesson if you show her that her feelings are valid and that a good way to deal either them is to go for help to the appropriate place. Then if that appropriate place doesn’t support you in a way that feels helpful then there are options to help yourself and opt out. The secondary schools my kids are at don’t do sports days for all so you’ve only got another couple to go so it’s not going to set that much of a precedent if she doesn’t go. All the best.

Yes, this is why all the attempts at analogy are so shit.

What would you do?

I'm not going to read the rest of the thread because having been on MN for a decade I already know exactly what it will say about "resilience", and the can't be bothered to read multiple dire predictions for The Future Of This Child!

I'd let her stay off, just as I will be letting my 15 year old dd stay off for hers

I always encouraged DS2 to do it even though I knew he would probably get upset because he wasn’t sporty, no good at football. I used to make sure I was there though so I could try to calm him down.
Looking back, I think I’d keep him off now. No one has to play a musical instrument or sing a solo. The majority of pupils’ written work is not on show to everyone else. And yet at sports day the non-sporty kids are in effect humiliated. He would never have been allowed to laugh at a poor speller but yet some kids laughed at him and no teacher ever intervened. One of my parental regrets I think.

I'd still send her in and tell her obviously you're proud of her no matter what, then tell her there'll be a treat in store for her after school

I think this is a really difficult one. I can't help but think about the kids who routinely come bottom in spelling or maths tests, or stumble over the words when every child has to read a paragraph from the book aloud in English. My friend's DS wins every 100m sprint at sports day and it's a much, much needed victory for him when he misses out on every other school 'achievement'.

So in that respect I think a really important part of school is learning that people have different strengths and different weaknesses, and witnessing each others'. Do you think you might be able to help your DD reframe sports day in that way?

I think that's absolutely important for children that struggle academically - if they are good at sports then sports day is crucial. And vice versa for things that show the talents of academic children especially when they find sports day difficult.

Unfortunately for my daughter, she struggles massively academically. She is having extra help with maths, writing is a real issue too. Her school report will be coming home soon and without a doubt I know that she will be not reaching expected targets.

What's more important to me is the effort grade which is always 1 (if 1 is the highest effort).

School in general is just a huge struggle to her but I have no doubt she will do well in life based on the person she is and qualities that she has.

It's just hard when they struggle so much. Another thing I should of mentioned is she is also having counselling in school to try boost her self esteem which I really hope will help.

But those children could still enjoy those victories, and have other children celebrate them, without everyone being forced to take part - schools could let children volunteer to help organise, run, keep score, etc., and then they woudln't need to be kept off.

Schools are also much better now about not letting children read in front of others, or keeping test scores private, etc, because they are recognising that humiliation doesn't help learning. Except sports, where they seem to be happy to encourage children to be annoyed with those on their teams who don't do well ,or to publicly shame those who are slowest.

And spelling and maths are things that are routinely done, and where the teachers make huge efforts to help those who struggle and try to teach them and help them improve, so resilience and not giving up pays off. Sports day, not so much. As those of us who had to do it year after year can testify, it doesn't actually make you any better at it as an adult, or at facing things you don't want to do. The thing that helped me face the things I didn't want to do was learning that sometimes you can say no, and sometimes you have to do things and you can find ways of putting up with them at that point. Being forced to put up with awful things unnecessarily doesn't make it any easier to put up with the awful things later in life - it just means there were more times you had to do it.

OP's dd not being there won't make winning at sports day any less enjoyable for sporty kids. Not unless their enjoyment was enhanced by seeing one child always come last which is unlikely. There are some kids who are good at sports but struggle academically, but just as many who are good at both or neither. It's not one or the other

My DD loathed sports day at primary school and if not last in everything, was near the bottom. There were some quite unkind girls in her year too and she ended up in tears the last year. However, at secondary school, she's doing really well in sport - being part of a much bigger school has been way better for her and she's pretty near the top of her group for cross country (which is almost unbelievable to a slug like me). If you feel it would be for the best, I would agree with others that her mental health comes first - but please don't let her think she will always be last. It might just be that her time/sport hasn't come yet.

She'll always remember that you were more focused on the effort grades! Whatever you decide, it sounds like she'll know you're proud of her. I hope the self-esteem counselling is helpful for her, as someone who always had 'needs more confidence!' on school reports I really empathise.

Absolutely yes-let her take the day off! We should be encouraging children to enjoy sports, not endure humiliation of coming last in every race.

@veralera Sounds like you’ve figured out what will work best for your DD with regards to sports day. There are plenty of ways for children to build resilience and it doesn’t just hinge on one forced day of organised sports.

FWIW my youngest DD struggled with football when she was your DDs age and was viewed as being one of the weakest players in the squad, she wasn’t very fast and didn’t get the technical side at all but she loved playing so I left her be and she’s learned (with the support and encouragement of fab coaches) to work on her weak points and to play to her strengths - she’s a tall, strong girl - and now she’s Captain of her team. There’s a lot to be gained from team sports and I hope your DD continues to enjoy playing ❤️⚽️

I always let ds have the day off, he has dyspraxia & is not sporty in any way, he had a permanent note to excuse him from pe for his last 3 years at school, he has hypotonia as well & can injure himself getting out of bed.

Definitely let her take the day off. Sports day is awful

Mine has never been good at sport, but managed to take coming last in everything at primary sports day in good part. (One year, a friend, who was about to emigrate so struggling anyway, was also coming last in everything, and getting very upset. I thought it was a huge pity that the teacher didn't do anything about that - all she had to do was put her in the same heat as my daughter and my daughter would have made sure she wasn't last!)

I will confess to letting her miss one secondary sports day - because the pollen count was through the roof, and I saw no value in her sitting on the field all afternoon miserable with hayfever. Last year was funny, though - she pulled a sickie on sports day (adamant she didn't feel well), but sports day was postponed after they got to school, due to a forecast thunderstorm. She could hardly pull another sickie four days later - but she actually thoroughly enjoyed the afternoon.

Good on your daughter for keeping going with football despite struggling - although it obviously becomes difficult being the weak link in a team - it might be worth looking around for other sports she could try locally.

Your other option with the sports day is to explain to the teacher about DD's morale being at rock bottom on sport - maybe they would put her in charge of something so she doesn't have to compete. The problem with that is that if the teacher doesn't come up with a plan, it's then going to be more obvious if DD pulls a fake sickie!

One thing this thread hasn't really covered is that some of the kids who are academically unremarkable will also come last at sports day. It isn't actually the case that talent is evenly distributed, there are some DC who are top of the class and first in the race, and others who are at at the lower ability end of both.

@ApplesandBunions totally agree. My son has dyspraxia and learning difficulties so struggles with both academic things and sports. He enjoys both though, bless him.

I think it is important to participate in things that you are not good at as well as those you are for many reasons. However, if she is stressed or about it I would let her stay at home. Kids have too much stress these days and if I could go back and do things differently I would go back and protect them from unnecessary stress. Let her have the day off. She has already played in a football match that didn't go well for her this week. Somebody who won't stress about it can come last instead.

I am very much you can't have a day off school for silly reasons but honestly in this instance l would keep her off. On the understanding she doesn't drop you in it with the school. It will massively knock her self confidence and make her feel like shit as l used to.

Absolutely and sadly this is the case for my daughter. She seems to be getting knocked in confidence in absolutely everything lately. All I can do is keep confirming her many good qualities and boost her as much as I can.

@veralera I am going to be 73 soon, and reading your post still gave me that feeling of dread at the thought of sports day. Keep her home.