Why are girls so horrible

[Janinebutcher79]

Dd10 is in a small class and some of the girls are just so bloody horrible and nasty. I get frustrated as I want my dd10 to stick up for herself but she wants to take the higher ground, which is lovely I know but I worry about her being taken advantage off!

Kids can be horrible as they are immature and trying to work out the social rules. Both my kids were bullied - DS in primary by boys and DD in secondary by both boys and girls. My kids are both autistic which makes things harder for them socially anyway. DS was pretty much oblivious to the nastiness and I think it was harder for me than him. He found secondary much easier and because he is so tall and confident nobody messes with him. DD found the bullying very hard (it was mainly piss taking of her but she was completely socially ostracised by her whole form). College has been a bit easier for her. She is quiet and not confident so she suffers more.

The bullies in primary always seemed to have parents who denied or minimised their behaviour and the parents were usually not very nice themselves (looked down on everyone else). Lots of kids were just sheep and followed those main bullies but that is what kids tend to do.

IME boys are more likely to be violent at this age, girls are more likely to use emotional methods of being mean when they fall out. My DD’s friendship group seems to have baffling layers of ok and not ok behaviour, interactions that are very nuanced and constantly changing, she can be in with the in group one day and not the next, a close friend will upset her then the next day they want to hang out together. She knows everyone and has a full grasp of who likes/hates who at any one moment.

My older DS never had this awareness as far as I know - he just has a few close friendships and avoids people he doesn’t like. Other boys have upset/bullied him in the past but that means they’ll never be his friend, he’s not interested.

obviously a v small sample but I wonder if it’s partly the socialisation that teaches girls to be kind, caring etc. They seem to tolerate bitchy behaviour and drama and it becomes part of an ever-changing web of relationships.

OTOH violent boys (which I know is not all boys) are a nightmare at this age, they hit girls too and teachers often minimise or ignore it. There is one in my DD’s class who everyone is scared of and the teachers do nothing. If a girl behaved like him they certainly would. So boys get the message that that’s OK for them.

Yes some girls are horrible. As are some boys. When DS2 was 3 or 4, he got into a lot of trouble at nursery for punching and scratching a little girl in the class. They went to the same childminder and got on very well there (they were the only two children there a lot of the time) so we couldn’t understand why he was being so nasty to her at nursery. It eventually turned out that she was repeatedly whispering in his ear at nursery that she hated him and wasn’t going to play with him because he wasn’t a girl. But it was fine to play with him at the childminder’s house because there weren’t any other girls there. Yes he was most definitely in the wrong, and was punished, but she was in the wrong too. And it took weeks of complaints from nursery and the little girl’s parents (with the childminder as baffled as we were and confirming that there was no unpleasant behaviour when in her care) for us to understand what was going wrong. Because she was so subtle. And very pretty and high achieving and “butter wouldn’t melt”. But she was just one girl, and he’s just one boy. Not everyone is the same as everyone else.

Mine at that age hung out with the boys or read in the library. At secondary after a nightmare false start she has found a group of normal friendly girls. Funnily enough these girls had similar experiences and us mums so relieved that at 14 they finally have kind normal friends…

Some people are just horrible. Lots of adults are awful, presumable they were awful children.

What I have found over the years is that most kids are capable of mean behaviour, even the ones whose parents come on here and complain about how mean the other kids are...

I've witnessed many a time kids who you wouldn't typically think of being "mean" saying unkind things, or laughing along with other kids at other people's expense. Even kids like the OP's I"m sure will have times where they haven't always been as kind.

But every parent seems to think it's always other people's kids who are the problem, never their own, who are always "so sweet and kind". I'm not suggesting it's always to the same degree, as some kids are definitely more mean than others, I'm just trying to point out that ALL kids have their moments.

My DD is generally regarded as a kind person, she's head girl at her school, has a wide circle of friends and her friends' parents love her... But she's not perfect, and I have seen her be unkind a few times. We talk about it and she recognises her behaviour, but she's just a kid who, like all the others, are trying to find their way.

Some are definitely bullies, some get kind of dragged along with the bullies, some are insecure and do or say things they typically wouldn't because they don't know how to assert themselves properly or just say things in the spur of the moment, and some will be the ones who are picked on, but for the most part, most kids will fall somewhere in between bullies and bullied.

I'm sure I'll get people telling me I must have been a mean girl, or I'm bringing my child up to be horrible or whatever, but I'm just trying to point out that ALL kids can be unkind at times, and as parents, it's worth recognising that, rather than thinking our own kids can do no wrong and are always the ones being picked on.

Yes. Girls are far more territorial, bossy, mean and generally nasty at that age than boys.

I am a feminist but that’s the truth!

I think you could have worded the title of your thread better but I do understand.

My DD had a hell of a time in year 6 because of other girls. Unfortunately it followed her through to secondary as the main culprits were in a lot of her classes and made up crap about DD to new friends. It's settled now she's in year 10 thankfully but it's taken that long!

I also have a teen DS and did notice that some of the things said between the boys which would be seen as bitchy coming from a girl were brushed off as "banter"

I think it hits girls younger as they hit puberty younger

Boys can be bitches too

I have hung around in groups with plenty of straight males and this is so true.

Oojama absolutely agree spot on. It’s a developmental stage for many girls remember it from my teen years. Inexplicably out of my friendship group temporarily. Still one of the worst experiences of my life.

I wonder why people think it's true that girls are 'nasty, horrible, bitchy' as described in this thread. Are we born that way? Innately nasty? Or socialised into it? Are mothers of daughters raising them to be nasty bitches? And do we grow out of it or are all women nasty bitches too?

For what it's worth, in my own experience working with children and teens, both sexes can display bullying behaviour (and violent behaviour too) but it's only girls who get labelled nasty bitches for it.

My dc are both 10 and in the thick of it. there’s a large number who seem to feel better by putting others down. When I’ve asked teachers if dds retaliated to incidents they always say no they both just walk away but there’s tears at home. I wonder if having twins made me address this early where I’ve really pushed being each other’s cheerleader and celebrating the successes because you will too have successes just at different times. The meanness is hard to watch and some parents are like “nope I’m stopping that” and others seem to delight in the fact their dc isn’t the one being bullied as if being the bully is something to aspire to!

It's unfortunate if all girls you know are horrible. (Is your dd too?.) Normally my advice would be that your dd should try and look out for which girls are nice and try and hang out with them. That's always worked for my two. But it sounds like you are saying all the girls are horrible, so moving school would be the only answer.

DD had an awful time in Year 6 with a girl who used to be her friend but who managed to manipulate all DD's other friends into ostracising her. DD was bullied to the point that she had a breakdown and couldn't go into school.

The girl at the centre of it made some wild accusations about DD that were all untrue but which the school chose to do nothing about. DD was in despair. The headteacher inferred that she was also afraid of the bully girl's mother and that was why she wouldn't help us. It was a nightmare, and it continued on into secondary school.

It was only the girls who caused DD problems, but she did say that she had seen boys bullying a boy in her class, and the mum moved him to another school to get away from them. With hindsight, we should have done that too.

YABU for sexist question

Imagine the uproar if you had ask why are boys
I disagree. The OP is talking from her expierence and perspective.

After spending 30 years working with young people is say girls are more cruel to other girls than boys are to other boys.
Girls deliberately leave other girls out of things, start nasty campaigns against one etc. The only thing that has got worse in the decades is tbe amount of anger I'm witnessing with girls a d how violent they are getting. I am seeing and hearing about so many fights between girls and it's now being viewed and uploaded on to YouTube and other channels.
There was hardly any fights when I was a teen.

I think it's because you said 'why are girls so horrible' which kind of generalises to all girls. It is sexist really. You could have put 'Why are these girls being so horrible to my daughter'.

You'll be rolling your eyes right now, but yes, it matters.

It’s luck though my older Dd had a really nice normal group at primary we didn’t realise how lucky we were until we experienced dd2 whose year was full of nightmare mini alexis colbyesque queen bees.

Read Cats Eye by Margaret Atwood she nails the cruelty of small girls Also listen to Taylor Swift Mean - cheered us up!

My DD is also 10 and seems to have been very unlucky to be in a class with a lot of very nasty, spoilt little girls. Unfortunately I’ve also witnessed the behaviour of a lot of parents and it is obviously learned.
On the flip side DD8 has a really nice class. I’m not saying all the girls are the best of friends but they are kind and respectful to each other.

I don’t know, but after seeing so many posts across mumsnet, even on this thread actually, you can see that some peoppe
don’t grow out of being spiteful or mean spirited.

I’m sorry to read about your little girl. I hope things improve and she can find a friendly tribe.

its honestly kids of this age can be difficult, but i think sometimes it seems worse with girls because they are held to a higher standard for a start and other girls are offered fewer ways to deal with it.
Someone above mentioned the horrible girls they know are the ones with horrible mums. I have actually found that too. There is often a group of mums that in many ways promote social exclusion of any kids they think are not their type. They reinforce tale-telling etc. Its really hard to navigate. I am not convinced boys are nicer or easier, but it does seem to be easier for boys to make up with each other and not socially exclude as much, but it still does happen.
Overall, i think year 5 is the start of a bumpy few years for kids

It's not a sexist question, don't be daft. Everybody knows that boys can be vile too.

The OP is specifically talking about the girls in her dd's class. If she had a ds and the boys in the class were being similarly shitty, then no doubt the thread would have had a different title.

@Janinebutcher79 Might I suggest you buy your dd the book called 'Don't Pick on Me - how to handle bullying'. It helped my dd a lot.

first reaction is massive eyeroll and #NotAllGirls
second reaction - sorry your daughter is going through this.
Controversial opinion: if we brought girls up the same way boys are apparently brought up, they'd have a playground scuffle and it would be done and dusted.

If people say that they have found girls of that age to be more likely to be bullying (and this was my experience both as a child and as a parent) then telling them that they are being sexist and it didn't/doesn't happen is GASLIGHTING.

Stop fucking telling other people what their experience SHOULD BE. Try LISTENING for a change.

People of both sexes can be horrible.

The OP was talking about girls in her case though. Are we not allowed to say girls are mean without being jumped on ??