Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Your dh needed to step up even if he was doing stuff around his working hours. Your whole attitude is completely off on this thread.

UNAUTHORISED.

OP, YANBU and have not been harsh. If she is home soon after 5pm and helps you out, then let her go out tomorrow.

My DD is 14 and has a couple of jobs that she should do, one is load/unload the dishwasher, the other is chuck recycling in the tub for me. I do everything else so I don't think she is hard done by. If she wants to earn extra pocket money then she can do extra things like tidy the living room or hoover the carpet.

If we aren't allowed to give teenagers chores, how are they ever supposed to learn life skills. Do they just head off to Uni/move out, and not have a clue how to use a dishwasher/washing machine etc?

It is good for them to learn how to pull their weight as part of a family/household and they are never too young.

I am not alone in giving DD a couple of chores either, all my friends get their DC to do stuff for them.

I think you were harsh OP and on top of that you speak with such disdain for you daughter it makes me sad for her. What's the matter - is she not playing ball with your shiny new life with your new family? Making like hard for you because she's not a cutsey toddler?
Poor kid!

Didn't read the full thread before I posted...

I cannot believe the sh*t you're getting, op!

No wonder people complain about youngest generation being so entitled and selfish.

You'd be doing wrong by her not to pull her up on her behaviour.

I would have been read the riot act if I'd gone into an overdraft (why does she even one?!).

I think you need to mandate weekly chores that she must do in return for her pocket money and phone contract. Its called teaching your children responsibility, civility and financial awareness. It's also called bringing your children up not to be self-centered and to consider others.

She'll hate it, of course she will, but she'll hate adulthood even more if you don't and will be woefully underequipped to deal with it.

So I usually give up

ok but that’s your fault. It’s not good parenting. You have created this situation and now you’re annoyed but you should be annoyed at yourself, not DD who has been allowed to get away with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes, any account can accidentally go overdrawn due to transaction timings, for example. But the bank shouldn't be charging a minor for it. If she's paid fees before she should ask for them to be refunded

When my dd was at home she would step in when I was ill she would cook attempt cleaning occupy her brothers feed the cats it wasn't perfect but it was still help

Your not bring too harsh IMHO

I didn't even know about this til yesterday.

Her dad opened the account for her originally.

She casually announced yesterday that she was "minus something" on her account and would I "transfer her some money" to get her out of it.

I was like, say what? How?! 😳

We rang the bank and got it sorted but yeah, she'd managed to go overdrawn 🙈

A distinction without a difference, IMO.

You might have asked her, but then you've not bothered to follow through - and now it's coming back to bite you on the bum.

No need to CAPS LOCK. I saw unauthorised I just don’t understand how a 15 year old can have an unauthorised overdraft? How does that happen?!

YABU. The way you asked wasn’t on imo, but I don’t think YABU to ask for some more help. From now on she should have set chores. But I think you need to look at your relationships with her, the way you talk about her is as if you really don’t like her

This.

Its your choice to not have her regularly doing basic life skills like laundry and cooking, you don’t get to be annoyed at her about this.

Sounds like the bank’s fault for giving an overdraft to a 15 year old!

She didn't ask you to start over again with a new hubby and a new kid. I wouldn't be surprised if she moves out in a year or two you sound like a nightmare.

Give her some set weekly chores and leave her alone. Try to implement these things early with your toddler or you're going to have the same problem again a decade from now.

You weren't just harsh you were completely unreasonable and petulant. It's not her job to pick up the slack. It's not her fault your DH has to work overtime because you're broke.

Of course I like her.

I'd fucking die for her, she's my girl, my first born. I love her death.

But Christ alive she's lazy and selfish. And I need it to change sharpish.

The negative vibes in my posts are likely a reflection of how far at the end of my tether I am with it all.

Exactly. I was shocked at knowing more than one person when I started university who didn't know how to wash up!

It's not child abuse to teach your children how to run a home and manage their finances by giving them some basic chores with pocket money penalties, any more than its child abuse to expect them to go to school every day instead of playing.

On top of chores, they should also understand there will be occasions when they're asked to help out more. That's called teaching them to be functioning members of society.

Usually if there's a delay with a debit card transaction showing on an account, and other transactions have been made in the meantime.

You are both BU.

She sounds lazy (like most teenagers) and very fortunate that she’s able to go out all of the time with her friends and she seems to take these things for granted.

But she is not another parent.
You shouldn’t expect her to pick up the slack just because you’re unwell and your DH is working - it’s not her job.

She should be helping out but not at the expense of something she’s already had planned because you think the housework needs doing or you need help with the toddler - that’s really not fair.

Instead of snapping (obviously you couldn’t help it and I snapped the other day too) you need to say - yes you can go out with friends but do you mind doing X before or after you’re home because I’m struggling and need some help
Some teens are like some men - unless you spell it out for them they won’t know.

I would increase her responsibility - she needs to do the dishes or start cooking a meal once a week.
I think you’ll feel better knowing you’re not doing everything without any appreciation and also she’ll learn some good life skills.

Yes you were harsh, but being ill has made this the straw that broke the camel's back and you overreacted.

When she gets in, use this as a starting point for a longer discussion about her attitude. Explain that you are her mother but not her slave. Point out (calmly) how much she gets and what you do for her all the time and ask her what's not fair. then listen to her answer, give her a chance to put her point across and know that she's being heard. But don't let that mean you let her get off scot free.

Some small chores around the house is not too much to ask. Talk to her about what you (reasonably) want her to do. She may not listen, she may flat out refuse. But then you can tell her that you're going to have a think about what you do for her. The goodwill so far has all been one way.

And to those PPs saying the DH should do more, that he should stay at home and not work overtime. The overtime is because the family need the money. And presumably that includes the DD and is how come she can have £60 a month to spend as she wishes and have her phone paid for.

Your DH should've stayed home and done the hours another time if you were so unwell tbh. The toddler isn't the teens child. Yes she should've helped more in the week... also surely the bathrooms needing cleaning and the hoovering isn't that important if it's only been a week.

YABU.
You also need to be formed generally with her helping you, rather than just snap and impose.

She is lazy, as you say, because she gets away with it.

TBf when it comes to housework, most teens are.

At nearly 16 she should be doing some set chores regularly. This is your fault for spoiling her. You can’t do that for years then expect her to jump to your attention when you click your fingers.

firmer

Cannot believe some of the replies on here; you are absolutely not being too harsh and she needs to help you now and also on a regular basis going forward.

I hope you feel better soon.