Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

If her dad opened the account, why was it your job to fix it?

YANBU- I had chores at home when I was 15 and if a parent was ill and needed extra help on one occasion I’d try to do my bit as a teenager. It’s not like you make her stay home every weekend to help with the cleaning. It’s a one-off!
Also there’s no way my parents would’ve let me go out all weekend at 15. I was expected to have some family time.

seriously, how can this girl vote, smoke, play the lottery, join the army, have intercourse, get married, drink alcohol, give blood in a few months and some of you lot are complaining about chores, is this some sort of major fucking joke??
For the love of God we can only hope for the next generation of adults. The world will explode into a heap of shit by 2030

🤣🤣

"Making life hard because she's Not a toddler?!"

Fuck me that made me snort my tea out.

You do realise that "cutesy toddlers" are the very definition of "hard", right?!

YABU to expect the average teenager to have a fully formed empathetic adult brain. I can count on one hand the number of teens (and I worked with them) who wouldn't strop and eye roll about basic chores. I mean, it's literally the Kevin and Perry stereotype...

YANBU to have asked her to come back and pitch in today (although of course she's going to huff a bit).

I wouldn't be surprised if she moves out in a year or two you sound like a nightmare.

And how exactly is she going to fund her new place in 2 years time?! Oh yeah that's right....... the bank of Mum. 🤔

Not harsh, merely long overdue reset.

This comment really made me laugh.

There are a HUGE amount of young adults who have no idea how to do basic chores and struggle with it whilst living independently at uni or whatever it may be.

Some of the things I saw in halls at uni were hilarious.

A lot of them stay useless and become the classic MN "manchild". According to you all those people don't have half a brain but I doubt you'd allow that description of an 18 year old who can't figure out how to boil a kettle or do their washing. Of course it's educational.

Jesus Christ OP.
Chill out.

You clearly don’t think YWBU
So why post?

Your teen behaves the way you let her behave, so why are you surprised by this.

Exactly.

I feel for you OP, it is so hard to look after a small child when you have a vomiting bug, nothing worse actually.

She should WANT to help when she sees you struggling. That goes without saying but an awful lot of teenage girls are selfish, entitled and only think of themselves. That is a fact. I also understand that sometimes it is easier to do things yourself that have a 30 min argument to try and make her do it.

They do come around though, I have an 18 year old who absolutely cringes at her old 15 year old selfish self.

It is not DD15 's job to stand in for you as parent when you are ill. That is your DP's job - you know, an actual parent. It is not an exemption from this because he works. All working parents have to take time off work when their child/partner is ill.
It is not DD's job to suddenly have to do the household chores because you are ill. Again, this is DP's job.

No you’re not being unfair.
To expect her to help out a little more whilst you’re feeling poorly is hardly asking for the world.
Write down some jobs that you need her to do and tell her once they are done she can go out.
Its essential that she has some responsibilities around the house, also she needs to learn a valuable life lesson that nothing comes for free.

Teenagers in the west are like this, I’ve seen children abroad working and carrying water for miles to feed their families.
This is massively about socialisation, and teens here are socialised into being lazy, entitled and selfish

I don’t think 15 is too young to have some responsibilities in the house.

I think however it was a shame you were pushed by feeling ill into getting angry at the last minute when she had already made other arrangements.

It would be best if she knew exactly where she stands re helping out at home - what is expected of her in the way of a little every day and some more at the weekends before she does anything else.

Also, just let the house go a bit till you feel better. Then sit down all together and make a plan to sort it out in a blitz as a family, maybe with something nice to look forward to at the end.

She is not especially selfish and lazy for a teenager. She sounds normal.

YABU to say she “expects handouts” when you chose to have a child and she is still a child. This isn’t an 18 year old lazing around the house.

Write her a list of chores she needs to do in exchange for an allowance. If you want her to change her attitude then you need to change your approach.

That's what you think. My mum was a dick and I left on my own with no help at 16 just after my GCSE's. It was tough but I survived.

Our relationship has never really recovered. She like you was cocky and thought I'd be begging to come back

physically and mentally, they are totally capable of most things by 16

If her dad opened the account, why was it your job to fix it?

That's a whole other thread....
most of the shitty side of parenting falls to me. He's just there for fun times, apparently.
He also will have expected me to bail her out because I earn more than he does.

Can you have a conversation with her when you’re better? Rather than let her whine and object, ask her whose responsibility she thinks certain jobs-cleaning her room, washing and ironing her clothes etc are? If she says you, ask her if that seems fair to her? Ask her to think how she would feel if she had a housemate who didn’t do anything? Don’t lay down the law to her about going out etc. No one responds positively to that-especially a near adult. Tell her how much it would help the family if she did these specific jobs she could do. And if she doesn’t? Don’t kill yourself hoovering and cleaning bathrooms. They can wait. But then speak to her again about family members helping each other-like you do with lifts etc. And if she doesn’t want to do that, then sorry but you’ll have to start pulling the things you do for her. Tell her you wouldn’t normally be so transactional but you’re weary of doing all the things to support the family with no help back. And let her sort her own things out at the very least-her clothes, room and possibly her meals.

@redhoodred1 you're welcome. Because as I keep stating, she's 15.

Jesus Christ OP.
Chill out.

That particular poster was vile and made personal comments. They deserved it.

Is this a joke???????? How is she a nightmare????
omg this thread is infuriating, OP ignore this stupid comment

It is not DD's job to suddenly have to do the household chores because you are ill.

It's not her 'job', no

But in a family, you should care if someone is unwell & not able to do something & offer to help.

I don’t think you’re a mug, but I think slightly unrealistic?

For 15 years ok, work with me on this) she’s been given money without there being rules around getting this money so she’s not going to suddenly become someone who realised stuff needs doing. The 56 year old man child who lives in my house doesn’t “see” anything, like the need to wipe down a work surface after making tea or crumbs from a sandwich. I believe it’s because his mother never asked him to clear up after himself and he’s somewhat work shy. Some people just don’t see things need doing and don’t think they could put dishes away (or whatever).

Maybe this weekend can be a catalyst for a reset? Have a sit down, agree chores and then point out that if she’s not willing to help out the money will have to stop and she’ll need to get a Saturday job. I suspect she won’t like it but you can point out it’s life - if you want nice things/days out you work - either inside or outside of the home.

Given the unauthorised overdraft I think you need to set a few rules sooner rather than later because it needs nipping in the bud.