Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

You weren't harsh at all imo.

I cannot believe the responses on this thread. At least now we know who the parents of the current crop of lazy entitled spoilt teens are. Imagine being expected to pull your weight in your family. That poor kid. Someone ring childline ffs 🙄

@MumofTeen22

I'm surprised at the majority of replies here.

You have not been too harsh. I think your DD knows this too, given she is on her way home (I wouldn't make a fuss about it being after 5).

I do think (when you are all well again) you need to have a proper conversation about chores & expectations.

No, she does nothing. Nothing at all. She has no set jobs or expectations.

This is mad. I have a 15 yo DD. She does a lot without being asked eg cooking, quick tidy up etc. She also has set jobs tho these change depending on what needs doing eg ironing / changing sheets.

But beyond this, I expect my DC to be part of a family & do jobs to help on that basis. They do lots of sports & I'm constantly out bringing them to matches (single parent). I expect they'll help with grocery shopping, cleaning, washing & so on, and they do.

The comments about her not having to step up because you & DS are ill are mad.

Also - ignore the odd comments about your DH. Clearly he's out working as he has to, so of course you are trying to cope with everything at home.

Hope you feel better soon.

They don’t own the house and didn’t ask to be born.

No one asked to be born but sadly, the involuntary nature of being alive doesn't come with a free someone-else-to-do-all-your-housework.

At some point the OPs DD will be living alone or sharing a house with housemates/partner. It's better that she learns now that the housework doesn't go away because the person who normally does a particular chore is unwell. At nearly 16 she needs to be learning adult life skills, including give-and-take in the domestic environment.

Well I agree with you and these posts make me laugh. It isn't her job to help, ok no money or rides. This is why kids have no idea about life and are treated like they are 5. Your sick, not going out and leaving that poor darling to run a house.

And thanks for stating a million other things she is legally allowed to do at 16, whilst simultaneously saying she isn’t old enough to wash dishes

I think YABU, but I do understand how it’s built up to boiling point. Setting a couple of regular chores that you expect to be done is fine, but making her stay home for a full day to do housework at the last minute is OTT. You chose to have another kid, presumably knowing what your husbands work schedule is like. It’s not your daughters job to fill in when things are tough.

I think you could have communicated in a a better way. How would you feel if your other half told you to get home in 2 hours or you won't get to go out the following day?

1. he's not my parent and i'm an adult, so it's not the same

2. if I'd been taking the piss and not pulling my weight for years at home and expecting him to bend over backwards for me to the point he was almost snapping and I didn't even notice or care that he was stretched to capacity ... and then he asked me not to plan anything tomorrow because he really needs my help, and I proceeded to call him and whine down the phone about how unfair that is.......

.... then yeah I'd expect the guy to snap.

So it's just your job? Not your husband/partner or children? You're happy modelling to your children that mum does everything and nobody else should pitch in to keep their home clean? How...sad.

Gods - at her age I was doing the family wash for the week (twin tub), hanging it all out and my sister was doing all the ironing. We both dusted and hoovered. Our parents both worked and split all the other chores between them but we were told from a very early age that we had jobs to do and we jolly well had to do them. We made our own beds from about 10 onwards, and kept our own rooms clean.

And I think that was absolutely fine because we were part of the family and family pulls together.

No more handouts/lifts until chores are done. She'll moan that it's unfair that she hasn't had to do them before but just tell her that this last week has made you realise that chores need to be shared out.

Sorry but it’s really not your teenagers fault that you’ve chosen to have another child with such a large age gap that you couldn’t afford to have unless you enlist the help of her to act as an adult in the family. She’s a child, she shouldn’t be spending her weekends supporting you and your toddler. Just because you’ve allowed her a lot of freedom and privileges for her age, doesn’t allow you to demand she starts to act like an adult.

Yanbu

My mum wouldn't even have let it get that far!

Separately, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect teenagers to think or others or routinely pull their weight at home.

Hope you feel better soon

I would never ring him and demand he comes home to help me clean and look after my dc.

Well that's good.... but that's irrelevant because it's not what happened.

www.gesetze-im-internet.de/englisch_bgb/englisch_bgb.html#p5697

www.gesetze-im-internet.de/englisch_bgb/

German Civil Code.

How one would enforce that I don't know. There's also some stuff about "family names" which looks grimly prescriptive.

if I'd been taking the piss and not pulling my weight for years at home and expecting him to bend over backwards for me to the point he was almost snapping and I didn't even notice or care that he was stretched to capacity ... and then he asked me not to plan anything tomorrow because he really needs my help, and I proceeded to call him and whine down the phone about how unfair that is.......

But NONE of that is your DD's fault.

You haven't raised her to do housework and to participate in the basic running of the home, so why do you expect her to be happy to start now?

This. Exactly.

Oh I also bailed her out yesterday with her bank as she had gone into an unauthorised overdraft and would have been charged fees, she only just told me yesterday

what?!? How does she have overdraft facilities? She’s 15!

YANBU - life is tough sometimes . You are teaching your daughter to pull her weight and contribute to family life . This might be considered old fashioned nowadays but it is about family values and respect.

Your words struck home and she is maki g her way home . Credit to your daughter . Teaching your DD to contribute to family life is a life lesson . Don’t over think it .

I teach 18-21 year olds and reading this thread I totally understand the level of entitlement and laziness that many of them display. You’re doing them no favours whatsoever. Just saying.

- hoover her own room
- sort her own laundry
- wash her own plate after dinner
- get her hair out of the plug
- general tidy of her stuff and room

Quietnightmare

I don't see these as additional jobs (maybe the laundry). This is just what anyone in the house should do.

Jobs, especially when someone else is ill, might be hoovering the house, cleaning bathroom sinks, folding / hanging out clothes, ironing. Like proper jobs that help, not token efforts.

You speak about her like you don’t even like your daughter? It’s all so negative. You were being harsh imo.

This.

YANBU imo. She's old enough to start taking on some responsibilities in the house and generally learning to be a little more considerate.

You gave her a choice of when to help you, you didn't flat out ban her from seeing her bf tomorrow. Plus I'm guessing you probably wouldn't have snapped if she'd been acting more helpfully in general.

Judging by some of these responses there are an awful lot of spoilt/babied teens walking around, who are going to get a nasty shock when adult responsibilities start to become a thing.

But OP admits that she's pretty much never asked her DD to do any housework until now.*

No I didn't. I think I said that when I ask it becomes such an exhausting battle and to and forth with her, that it's actually less exhausting to just do the jobs myself than to engage in that with her.

I do ask - she whines, protests, bargains, rolls eyes, even occasionally slams doors....... etc.

So I usually give up.

Don’t ask teenagers to help round the house because they “didn’t ask to be born” - utterly ridiculous comment.

They need to help so they become self sufficient as they grow older and don’t rely on someone else making sure they have clean clothes etc

I think it is time for rules.Firstly she does all her own washing.She learns to cook and look after herself.She cleans her room and changes the linen.Cleans the bathroom after her shower.She is nearly 16 in 2 years time she may go to Uni,what then ,she will be unable to cope .When did a nearly 16 year old become so useless and self centred.She needs to find a part time job and earn her own money.Life is hard now for young persons so the sooner they start the better. Good luck.