Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

You haven't parented her OP. This is what happens. You give her whatever she wants so that has become the norm. Time to reset the rules.

First world problems, ‘oh my mum is making stay home to help out for the first time in 15 years’ 🙄

Exactly!

Sounds like a straw that broke the Camels back moment tbh. I don’t think yabu, I think a lot of teenagers (mine included) now are so bloody Entitled. Should get what they want when they want it without giving anything back. Sometimes I get sick of nagging and blow up for wsntbof a better word, lone behold a lot more gets done in the following days.

I do think you were harsh, yes. Washing and vacuuming - well the vacuuming can wait. You or dh could load the washing machine or it could also wait. I have 2 teens and I wouldn't stamp on their social lives to make them do these chores.

This!
The fact your DD is prepared to swan off for the weekend, with money that she's not 'earned' through doing a few chores KNOWING how ill you are, speaks volumes about her attitude. I'd never have left my parents to do everything if they'd been ill, I'd have tried to have helped, at least a bit!

No, you haven't been unreasonable at all. But would suggest, when you've calmed down, you set some new ground rules going forwards.

Seriously OP, wtf was the point of asking if yabu if you’re SO sure you’re not?

Sorry, I'm not clear...you've been off work while looking after the toddler, or just looking after toddler over the weekend? Is the toddler usually in nursery while you work?

I'd lower my standards, personally. If you're that ill, the only things that NEED to be done now are feeding children (and I do believe the teenager can sort herself out) and keeping house clean of any actual noxious substance. Vomit would count, last week's dust wouldn't.

I do think your daughter should help out a bit but I don't think it's unusual teenage behaviour that she doesn't want to.

I don't really see a serious issue, tbh. You say she does help if you tell her she has to, and she obeys you when you say she has to come home. Doesn't sound like a serious discipline issue. You can't really expect her to do it all voluntarily, without being asked and with a huge smile.

I think that’s unreasonable. She’s a teen, in my house not their job to do household chores as I’ve not been well enough

Which country is this from?

op, mumsnet is full of mums who are raising lazy, entitled teenagers, who will grow into the very same adults that they come on here to moan about because they all want to be seen as the perfect, lovely, non shouty dream mum who martyrs herself daily but at least her kids are happy.

in the real world…. Kids don’t go out till their chores are done. They get shouted at if they’re rude, disrespectful or naughty.

yes you were a bit off for dropping it on her last minute, but a compromise of you “well, you can help me with a few bits before you go.” Shouldn’t be argued with. And my daughter tried to argue with me about it she she wouldn’t be going out at all.

even my 7 year old know she doesn’t get what she wants unless her jobs are done.

Sorry, I'm not clear...you've been off work while looking after the toddler,

Yes, but also sick myself so would have been off sick regardless. Toddler just happens to be sick at the same time so we have both been home together this week.

or just looking after toddler over the weekend?

Also yes. DH is working all weekend and has worked all week.

Is the toddler usually in nursery while you work?

Yes.

Why are trying to housework when ill? Just leave it. It will be there when you are better.

Well maybe you should loosen up a bit. It's hardly the end of the world is it?

OP you have had some frankly crazy responses on this thread. It is very sad that most of the posters appear to have such low expectations of their teenagers. They will be bringing up a new generation of self-centred, spoiled and entitled young people.

My 15 year old would be asking me what she could do to help without prompting and would willingly sort the laundry, make dinner etc. Because we all care about each other and our family works as a team.

You probably did over react a little but I can understand why.

I think you could have communicated in a a better way. How would you feel if your other half told you to get home in 2 hours or you won't get to go out the following day? Yes you are sick & that's hard. Yes your daughter should do more & you could put your foot down. If I were you I would lay down the daily and weekly expectations from her, with notice so she can plan her time around it and be clear on what the consequences are.

My ds who's 13 does the pots that's it. On the odd occassion if he's done something wrong I've got him to do jobs but on the whole I would never ring him and demand he comes home to help me clean and look after my dc. You chose to have another child with your dh her step father she didn't ask for a sibling so you just got to stuck it up and get on with it like the majority of us do. I had a covid recently I still had to sort the children out whilst dh worked. Your dh should have cancelled the over time if you were too ill and ready to pass out. Chores and cleaning can wait a couple of days. You seem very negative about your teenager for typical teenage behaviour. Becareful not to alienate her further.

Washing and vacuuming - well the vacuuming can wait.

Or the DD could do it.

And I didn’t say she is doing it I said the law states that she’s old enough when I thought she was 16.
is that clear now or do I need to say it again for the 29th time?

Because we still need to eat, and after we eat we need to load the dishwasher and wipe down surfaces, and we all still need to wear clothes so washing needs doing, and toddler throws food on the floor every meal time so I need to sweep up/vacuum etc.

The bathroom has been in a state for the past week because I'm the only person who cleans it. Ever. And by far the messiest in the bathroom by a country mile? Teen DD. Fake tan all over, long hairs in the shower plug, slimy moisturiser all over the shower tray that you can slip on....... etc. who cleans it usually? That would be me. Why hasn't it been done? Because I've been too unwell to prioritise it this week.

I don’t understand this obsession with making teenagers do chores. They don’t own the house and didn’t ask to be born.

DD.... is that you??

Ok.

I think your daughter is doing what you ask and at 15, that has to be enough. It's too much to expect that she does it without being asked and with a huge smile. And the housework will just have to wait. All fed, not dead. Do you really need to do all of this right now?

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

But OP admits that she's pretty much never asked her DD to do any housework until now.

That's on her, not her daughter.