Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I think you were right. She's old enough to help out around the house. My neice is 14 she's finished school for her summer holidays,both her parents are in work.

My sister came home to all the beds made,dish washer empty, she put a wash on and hung them out. She wasn't asked to do any of that.

I think it's good for them to have some responsibility and help out around the house. My Ds is 11 his job is to clean the kitchen after dinner and load the dishwasher every night.

You asked your daughter to do some chores whilst you were ill. Some of the posts on here are madness. You have my sympathy. Hope you feel better. Don't take her dramatics to heart and be consistent with getting her to help not just when you're ill.

Yes you were harsh, you sound a nightmare tbh.
Shes a child, let her enjoy being with her friends. It doesn't matter one jot that you're a bit behind with the housework. All this drama and upset because a bit if laundry hasn't been put away. Ridiculous

You have my total sympathy. Your relationship with your daughter sounds so normal- lazy and self-centred - that’s how teenagers are. When you are better - this awfulness will become a vague memory. Ignore those who criticise you they’ve clearly got their own problems. X

I’m just the mother of a well adjusted 14 year old…one who will help if asked, and will do so without complaining.

if you act like a dictator and don’t give you child options and let them see consequences then you will end up with a child that I believe the OP has called ‘lazy’, ‘selfish’, and ‘ungrateful’ (but I could be wrong as there were 6 pages of argumentative responses to posters who didn’t agree with the OP)

Would any of you call your children these names? How do you think OP’s daughter would feel if she saw this???

And because I disagreed with OP I have been called ‘vile’ and told I will be reported lol…don’t ask for opinions if you don’t want them.

OP can just stick to drinking her wine whilst complaining about her daughter not cleaning the house for her 🙄

Enjoy the ‘only on holiday’ visits you get when your daughter is grown.

People trot this out as if it were original and clever. It's neither.

OP, I can't believe some of the comments on here. Briefly, YANBU, and you were not too harsh. Ignore the horrible comments, and the nit-pickers who don't believe there are parts of the country where a bus runs once in the morning and once in the afternoon (that's the way it is where I live). I'm glad you managed to do something nice with your DD.

Why do you need to do housework when your ill? Just take the week off!

You realise that giving a personal attack about my childhood just shows exactly the kind of person you are right???

you asked for opinions, and you didn’t like them, so you (and your cronies) have decided to throw insults.

i had a lovely upbringing, with the exception
of my father having an issue with paralysis, which meant my mum being out of the house at the hospital for a couple of years when I was 15/16. During that time, guess what??? I helped out with chores because I was brought up well lol. I was also brought up to respect those who respected me, so if you respect your daughter and set boundaries then she will help with chores and she will be respectful back.

I actually feel sorry for you…you clearly don’t realise how toxic you sound. But it’s not my place to tell you how to live haha. Keep reporting those you don’t like the opinions of, whilst being nasty in response…it won’t change my happy life

And no one sane actually types ‘haha’ HTH

OP I was ill this week and had a massive overwhelmed strop at my teenagers about their selfishness. Your approach sounds much better!

YABVU

It’s not supposed to be piling on the OP, just giving some perspective. If you read through all of the OP’s posts, she does come across as though her daughter is a huge inconvenience, I’m not the only person to have said this…

imagine you are the daughter and you read this thread, you would be absolutely heartbroken. Now as a parent, would you say some of the things about your kids that the OP has said about hers??? You wouldn’t because it’s horrid.

i just want OP to realise that she has gone overboard on the whole situation is all

Why do people post this sort of stuff when we can all see for ourselves that it isn' remotely true?

Hyperbole alert

She's plenty old enough to help around the house.

The OP isn't wanting to send her up chimneys fgs

I'm absolutely raging at these responses on here!! As my 14 year old son just said, it might not be her daughter's responsibility to take care of her family but it is common decency to help! Have a word with yourselves mumsnet, no wonder we live in a society of entitled kids. 😡😡

Of course I've accused my kids of being lazy (when they were) and ungrateful (they deserved that one) and I believe selfish has been used on occasion.

I'm glad you have a family of paragons so I don't really understand why you feel the need to be nasty to a stranger

Wine with a stomach bug??? I’m not sure if you missed when the OP said she was drinking wine (she did) or whether you think the point I am making is that she was drinking wine with a stomach bug (I’m not)

the wine reference is because the OP talked about how she had no time to do the chores and how she was just to ill to do them, so she demanded (out of the blue) that her daughter do them…but still found time and the good health, to sit and drink wine…couldn’t the chores be done then?

i just feel like if you read back over all of the OP’s posts, you will see what I mean and why I think she sounds like she doesn’t like her daughter. You’ll also see that I didn’t talk about anyone’s age or IQ…that was nasty posters on here. I’ve read the posts, analysed what was said, and come to reasonable conclusions. I haven’t said that the OP doesn’t like her daughter, just that it sounds like she doesn’t in the way she writes.

you can continue to spark for an argument but you won’t get it here…it’s pointless. We were asked for opinions, and I gave one, you won’t change mine. But if you would like to continue flinging faeces then fire away :)

Hang on, you told OP she must want to get rid of her DD because she now had the perfect family with her DH and toddler – how is that not a personal, toxic attack too? You've jumped on the thread to be horribly goady, I'm not surprised you've got OP's back up.

Ahh your son sounds lovely 🙂

You little pickle 😂 Yes it is pointless to argue, as I previously pointed out to you, but perhaps take a step back and a look at who is getting backlash for their posts, is it you or is it me? Spoiler alert, it’s you! Anyway off you pop, haven’t you got a 14 year old to put to bed.

I think although you're being slightly unreasonable suddenly expecting her to pull her weight, it's perfectly understandable. Some of the responses have surprised me and seem quite unkind. Firstly your daughter has shown total lack of compassion for you and her sibling. I would expect an offer to help in your circumstances, just out of common decency. I would be expecting more from her in the future and a little chat with her is in order. Point out you and her stepf are not her servants and as as a young adult she needs to be more supportive in the home. We had five children at home with us, two were my dsteps. Dp and I both worked f/t and when they were older, early and mid teens, we had a daily commute to deal with as well. All the children had set tasks to do and they did them albeit reluctantly at times. We all worked hard but we had lots of fun too. The children all turned out to be fantastic adults, hardworking, caring and considerate. The kindness and helpful genes sometimes need a little training otherwise the selfish gene flourishes. Just think of it as your role to develop a well rounded human being. Don't apologise to her but don't be a martyr either, just say I"m not well so I need you to step up and tidy, vacuum the house, wipe the sides etc etc. Thank you. Be cool and don't nag or cry! If she's resistant employ the broken record technique, repeat what need doing, I need you to vacuum, thank you. Stick to essentials. Good luck and praise her even if it's not perfect. Hope you feel better soon.

@JMR185

Very sound advice, thank you for your post😊