Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

You’re soft compared to me OP.
When mine were teens and inevitably complained I told them that life’s tough and the sooner they realised that the better they would cope.
I have no guilt whatsoever about getting them to do chores and learning how to be self sufficient.
Can’t believe the parents on here who think their dc are more important than themselves.
I love my dc but I’m important too.

I think you are being both reasonable and unreasonable.

You are not unreasonable to want her to do more- she is old enough to contribute and should have set chores which she is expected to do. And if she does not do them, then there should be consequences for that- such as not being given money/lifts or not being allowed to go out with friends. These consequence will need to be consistently enforced and the benefits consistently received (fair’s fair, after all).

The issue is that you’ve not expected her routinely to do chores or help around the house and then randomly (because you are unwell) decided she should this weekend AND that she should have known before going out today that she would be expected to help out this weekend at some point, so she should have planned accordingly (I.e. not planned to go out today if she wanted to do the thing she planned with her boyfriend tomorrow). Something you, as the adult wanting help, failed to do. This has led to you demanding she come home or cancel long-standing plans with little notice, which is actually not very fair. If you wanted help (knowing she is unlikely to suddenly start doing housework off her own bat) then you should have said so earlier and planned it together. I’m guessing you didn’t because it didn’t occur to you and you aren’t feeling great. You have then taken out your lack of planning + feeling unwell + frustration with her lack of input at home on her over this. Which isn’t actually fair, even if it is understandable.

But, the fact she does not do anything currently is largely down to you and her father- you haven’t placed that expectation on her at any time up until now, so it is hardly surprising that she has not magically developed it all by herself. Most teens are, to a greater or lesser degree, quite selfish beings. Sometimes you need to spell out your expectations and what you want quite clearly (and don’t rise to the moaning/whining- i’ve found ignoring any such behaviour achieves more than getting angry- just re-iterate what they have to do and the consequences of not doing so. They usually realise that it’s easier just to get and do it, eventually they stop arguing). You haven’t done any of the that, but are now angry that she hasn’t read the memo and picked up on what you want? I think that is unfair.

Clearly, you are frustrated and changes are needed with regards to how much she does at home. You are not unreasonable to put that in place. But that will go much easier if you have her on board (to some extent) and this is not the way you get that. You have been unreasonable regards her plans tomorrow.

Honestly I think it's really unreasonable to demand from your kids full stop. This is really old fashioned parenting, it's how I was treated by my mother and honestly made me want to do nothing for her . How bout giving her enough warning and asking for help , tell her you know she's busy but you're not feeling so great and would really appreciate some help with some things around the house when she's got some time before heading out with her friends. ? I find treating kids with respect and giving them options usually is a good strategy rather than shrieking, demanding and threatening them.
I personally hate being told to do something but love to offer my help when I see help is needed

You are not being unreasonable at all. At 15 years old, she absolutely should be expected to help out, especiallyin times of genuine need. I'm baffled by those saying otherwise. 15 is not the age to be out enjoying your life at your own leisure but on your parents dollar, I'm sorry maybe I'm just too strict. Of course she should have some independence to go out but no way could I put my social life before my family when I was under 18. Neither do I have any resentment to my parents for this. 18+ is when I was allowed to make my own plans and priotise myself.

Do you not is a more pertinent question??? 😱

Yeah you were ridiculously harsh. You didn’t give her advance warning of wanting help, and you demanded she come home. If she had known you had jobs for her then she could have done them on the morning or amend her plans.

In your daughters shoes I would have refused and you’d have no way of enforcing your pointless demands

I think it's unreasonable. Bad planning too. She could've done jobs through the week, with the assumption there was a possibility of her going out at the weekend. Many plans are made last minute minute on social media.
I'd feel like a prisoner as a free spirited teen. You could ask maybe 3 jobs before she goes out then 3 when she gets back.
Staying at home all day Sunday is such an oppressive thing, rarely would a teen boy be expected to do this, so there's that too.

I think it's unreasonable. Bad planning too. She could've done jobs through the week, with the assumption there was a possibility of her going out at the weekend. Many plans are made last minute minute on social media.
I'd feel like a prisoner as a free spirited teen. You could ask maybe 3 jobs before she goes out then 3 when she gets back.
Staying at home all day Sunday is such an oppressive thing, rarely would a teen boy be expected to do this, so there's that too.

I agree she should help you out while you are unwell. My DS stepped in and helped me when I broke my leg, he was 12 and cooked roast dinner for the family, made me drinks and generally helped me without being asked, having said that I think a 12 year old boy can sometimes help out more than a 15 year old girl, hormones etc

I find treating kids with respect and giving them options usually is a good strategy rather than shrieking, demanding and threatening them.

I didn't shriek, demand, nor threaten.

I sternly asserted my authority as her parent.

I personally hate being told to do something but love to offer my help when I see help is needed

Great. Me too - I'm also the first to offer help when I see it's needed. My DD, not so much! Hence the reason it came to a head.

In your daughters shoes I would have refused and you’d have no way of enforcing your pointless demands

🤣

You’re soft compared to me OP.
When mine were teens and inevitably complained I told them that life’s tough and the sooner they realised that the better they would cope.

Yep. Very true.

I really feel for you as it’s so tough as women are expected to clean and care till they drop whilst children and blokes can’t or don’t have to.

Yep. Fucking shit isn't it.

How lovely. Thank you

Thank you - the solidarity is appreciated!

Probably this has already been said upthread, but could you make a list of things you'd like help with on a regular basis?

Then she knows what she's got to do, without having to be told.

My DD knows that she's got to help with the washing, if I ask, straight away and I do, every weekend without fail.

She also knows she has to fold stuff up, sort them and take them to everyone's bedrooms when they're dry.

She'll also help with picking up food from the supermarket when I'm not well.

She empties the dishwasher again on the weekend mostly.

We've had long chats about how she needs to pull her weight. most of the time she's great. Other times I have to rant a bit. The holidays are a flashpoint often.

It's OK to remind her that she's living in a nice house, with food supplied etc, all bills paid without any contribution from her. It's not a hotel. And I'm not a hotel skivvy. Nor are you.

But I also try to respect her need to be independent and go off by herself.

Sounds like you're doing OK OP. Well done. Everyone needs to learn to do chores and run a house.

'I'd feel like a prisoner as a free spirited teen'

I was also that naïve as a parent.

Believe me, it all comes out when they are older and wiser. I still feel cold.

What does this mean?

I think your expectations of her ability to understand and want to help are a bit high, she needs set tasks and her allowance as a privilege for her contributing to the household. Teens don’t plan ahead that well. On the other hand she is bu for not helping you out in the moment at home when she can clearly see you’re unwell. I’d say that comes down to a bit of relationship work so your relationship is a bit more reciprocal.

The OP got a bit upset because she needed some support from her 15 year old when she and her toddler had a D&V bug. Her husband was doing overtime.

I've had a D&V bug with both a toddler and myself whilst my husband was abroad. Not a great memory.

Let alone factoring in my current occasionally lovely, occasionally awful.)

She asked her to c

I hope everyone commenting has experienced the same.