Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Wait till she has a child lol the expecting money and lifts doesn’t stop

No it isn't harsh but you do need to be clear on your expectations and not assume that a 15 year old will see the world the way you do.
Tell her how she can 'earn' a lift here and there. Tell her what needs to be done in the house before she leaves.
But be reasonable, she isn't the mum in the house and she should be given jobs that are fair and proportionate.
We had a rule that whoever cooked didn't have to wash up. Didn't have to be a fancy meal but it took the pressure off me.
Also children do their own laundry, beds and rooms. They will also make snacks/sandwich for youngest sibling when they do their own and make me a coffee etc. But my children are now 24 and 19 and we have had lots of 'guidance' along the way.
My parents expected me to be the mini mum and it caused a lot of restrictions and resentment, so I went for balance and pulling their own weight.
Hope you feel better soon.

I really feel for you as it’s so tough as women are expected to clean and care till they drop whilst children and blokes can’t or don’t have to. Try sitting her down and apologise for snapping at her and explain your too unwell to do any more tell her your at your wits end you need her help and you cannot go on like this anymore. She has to want to help you cannot make her and sadly a lot of teens are like this even my own son it’s hard work. Don’t make demands as they will resent you and you will never get the help you need. Say something like I really appreciate you helping me as no one else will what would I do without you. They need to feel you appreciate every ounce of help. It’s bloody tough it’s like pulling teeth it’s taken a long time for my son to finally understand how much a woman does in the house. Say of course you can go out with your friends you know your mum loves you please forgive me for snapping it works well as they can understand your not having a go at them your just run down and can’t cope. Can you get friends and family to drop by and help I had to do this as I am unwell. Try talk and do it’s where you are in a room with them and just ask please could you pass me that or can you just help me take this to the bin you then thank them and before you know it they will do it willingly and without asking. Teens are notoriously lazy it’s exhausting but try and get her to help in a way that’s easy for her to do. Whilst my son makes himself a coffee I go wash up and say can you just help me with the drying. Then when he had poured himself a coffee I will pass him the rubbish and say can you just put this in the bin for me. No wonder you snapped it sounds as your at breaking point so try not to be too hard on yourself. Could you afford to pay for a cleaner for a few hours as you cannot go on pushing yourself whilst others just watch you and don’t help. We have all been where you are at some point. Good luck and let us know how you get on

I have posted already but I do think, when you are feeling better, you need to start teaching her basic household chores. Assuming she will move out at some point when she is older, she needs to learn to do chores and practice them. My children have both been to uni (one is still living away in halls ) and needed to learn how to cope without mum. My son always moans about students who leave the place a mess because they don't know how to clean up and cook without making a mess 😒

Ha some of these comments!!

YANBU - AT ALL.

I can see by some of the opinions here why so many entitled little darlings are out here, going by some of these comments.

She does need to help out at home a lot more, regardless of you being poorly or not though, she needs to learn how to be tidy and learn boundaries as one day she’s gonna have to keep her own place clean, and we do no favours to them by not ensuring that they help out at home.

I would not be giving her money or lifts if her attitude is bad when asked to do things around the house, but the fact that you’ve told her to come back in that time frame and she has, shows that you’ve done something right, cos she could have just been like meh whatever, and she has proved she has some respect by listening to you.

If she’s old enough to have a boyfriend, she’s old enough then she’s old enough to take some responsibility around the house.

100% agree

This! I've RTFT and some of the responses have made my jaw drop. OP's had some really, really snotty comments aimed at her and the entitlement of some posters getting irate that she won't take their opinions on board is hilarious. Get over yourselves!

FWIW, OP, I don't think you were harsh on your DD. You've been unwell, are mopping up toddler sick and are clearly at the end of your rope with your teen's laziness, and all you did was ask her to spend the day at home helping out where necessary. You didn't ask her to child-mind, clean the scullery, clamber up the chimney, go down the mines. The outrage expressed by some PP makes me fear for this generation of kids that are coddled from pulling their weight with housework.🙄

Some weird responses in this thread. Either 15 nearly 16 years olds are really immature these days, or I was just exceptionally mature. I did chores around the house from when I was around 10. It’s how I earned my pocket money. My parents had a business and I helped out with that when they needed an extra hand packing boxes and some minor admin stuff. My mum broke her ribs when I was around 15 and I did loads round the house helping as my stepdad was working abroad. It’s called being part of a family, you chip in and pull your weight. Yes OP could have handled the situation more calmly, but who hasn’t lost their shit faced with a kid who is lazy and opts out from family life.

I have a almost 15 year old, and recently I was really poorly with a tummy bug, couldn’t look after my 1 year old very well, so my partner stayed home from work. He had to, I was really poorly. I would never expect my other child to help when I have a partner that should be doing that.

however, the general laziness I can sympathise with. My teen is mega lazy at times and we fall out about it a lot. So maybe give her a list of chores that are expected of her every week and she can make plans around them. But yeah I think you were harsh, your partner should have stayed home for 1 day to help if you were that I’ll.

Looking at this from her perspective a bit, OP, I think that there was a lot of uncertainty in this situation that was unsettling for your DD. Firstly you were ill - even a minor illness can freak teens out because it turns things upside down - and they manifest that freak out by being stroppy. Secondly and as a background issue you have a toddler so there has already been some big upheaval in her life. Then with the cleaning requests this was a change of your usual mode and - from her perspective - you changed the goalposts on her while she was out with her friends.

None of this is to say you shouldn't expect her to do chores or step up when you are ill - I think it would help if there were clearer expectations of her generally - but maybe have a little compassion for her stroppiness?

@Youaremysunshine14

This! I've RTFT and some of the responses have made my jaw drop. OP's had some really, really snotty comments aimed at her and the entitlement of some posters getting irate that she won't take their opinions on board is hilarious. Get over yourselves!

FWIW, OP, I don't think you were harsh on your DD. You've been unwell, are mopping up toddler sick and are clearly at the end of your rope with your teen's laziness, and all you did was ask her to spend the day at home helping out where necessary. You didn't ask her to child-mind, clean the scullery, clamber up the chimney, go down the mines. The outrage expressed by some PP makes me fear for this generation of kids that are coddled from pulling their weight with housework.🙄

My thoughts exactly.

^^This

I can see by some of the opinions here why so many entitled little darlings are out here, going by some of these comments.

I don't understand comments like this. Do you not realise the OP has an "entitled little darling" for the reasons you are criticising in other people? The OP is one of those people who has lifted and laid her "little darling" all her life. Yet for some reason you think the other people who do the same are wrong, but the OP isn't at fault in the slightest?

I also think too harsh sorry.
I have two teens and I wouldn't expect this level of help even if I was ill.
Your DH should be picking up the slack and cancelling overtime if needed.
Its fine to expect her to muck in but not to have to cancel plans last minute. Thats mean and not very fair IMO.

And this is where the problem lies. So you now feel bad about teaching your child the proper way to behave? You need to grow a pair.

Agree with all of the above.

How many MNers complain about useless men who don't know how to cook or wash or clean? Where and when should they have learned? Yes, at home, taught by their parents from an appropriate age.
Exactly the same for girls and 15 is more than old enough to be helping.

The very least, hoovering, dishwasher, a little tidying, preparing simple meals, clearing the kitchen.

My kids would have done more than that if I was ill

I would also normally say bathroom, but not were there's a sick bug involved. Sadly the OP and her DH will have to do that one.

This is so going to get picked up by the Daily Fail 🙄

My son is the same age and I’m a disabled single parent.. he might grumble occasionally (I’m about to ask him to put the bins out so..) but he does loads to help and definitely pulls his weight. I might have been a pain as a teenager, but if my mum was sick I would have wanted to look after her. I don’t know if a row on the phone was the way to go about it, but it sounds like your dd needs to step up and show a bit of empathy. Hopefully you can get a proper chat when you’re both calm.. I always said we all live here.. we’re a team.. and we all need to do our bit.

No, you wasn’t too harsh. I was working at 16 and gave most of my wages to Mum.

[So when my DD texts last minute any of the following requests of me with ONE days notice, I'll say no.

I think you need to discuss how all these requests are made - some of them sound like they should be a no, that there are other solutions. Some she's assuming too much. In some cases she probably does need your help but short notice texts requiring you to adjust your plans/do something are a bit much.

A few months off 16? Is she year 10 with an autumn birthday rather than as some posters have assumed year 11, summer birthday and mid exams?

["I've got a detention tomorrow, can you pick me up as I'm going to miss the school coach"]

Probably hard to say no given the problems of transport but why is she getting detentions and is this a regular thing? Do some of them relate to her going out too much?

["Can I have some money for tomorrow as me and friend are going out again"]

Maybe you could say no here. Does this involve going to draw out cash for her? Does she have an allowance already? When planning going out it doesn't seem reasonable to assume she can make plans first and then demand money at short notice.

"I need my blue dress for tomorrow please can you check if it's washed"

If she's expecting you to do this while she's out, and just wash the dress on demand, again short notice, she needs to prepare better for pre planned going out. I would guess that might actually mean she knows the dress isn't washed and she's hoping that you'll sort it out. Does she know how to use the washing machine? If she doesn't even bother to put away clean clothes, does she help hang them to dry etc. I think it's reasonable to ask a 15 year old to take part in sorting out laundry and putting away clean clothes.

I confess though that I might not practice what I preach here (DS1 is just 15 and at the end of year 10). DP deals with most of the washing.

This is one for the conversation that you should tell her you need to have if you pick her up from the next detention.

"I've gone overdrawn on my account, don't know how, please can you ring them with me tomorrow and help me sort it??"

Yes to ringing them with her, I think it's a good thing that if there's a problem here she's asking. But it's also an opportunity, like the lift home after a detention, to make it clear that you're not just going to finance her social life and facilitate it all, and do everything, without a discussion (is there a budgeting issue here?)

I definitely think there’s a generational divide here…… When I was 9, my Mum developed pleurisy and I sat up with her through the night bringing her water and doing anything she needed until a doctor came out the morning - this was 1978. My grandmother was in the house but not well enough to help, and my Step Father couldn’t come because he had not yet moved in and shock horror we didn’t have a landline - I think our neighbour kindly went across the road to the pay phone to make calls for us.

From the same age, my Nana would give me a pound a week to clean her sitting room so I had spending money for our family holiday.

It was my job to make pots of tea as required, wash up after dinner, and when I went to secondary school I also had to walk my Mums Yorkie after school.

I remember the big family Christmas we had when I was 13 with extended family, which meant I and my female cousin were on washing-up duty between courses because we didn’t have enough crockery. I also remember having to clean the silver plated cutlery in advance, the set Nana got with her Kensitas coupons which she was very proud of.

Beinging my sons up I did my best to redress the gender issue and by and large they’re pretty self sufficient as they approach their late 20s - well they don’t get much choice as due to cost of living they live with me and we all work so leaving it all to Mum is not an option.

Writing that out has made me feel like Methuselah 🤣

It’s not easy being a mum and even more difficult with the age gap.

You’ll get through this and the house will be clean again but it doesn’t really matter if the housework is behind. What matters is you are there to give hugs. Get well soon.

@BadNomad

Has she though? Her daughter is coming home to help, she came to ask if she was harsh (she wasn’t) and so many people have commented like she’s kicking her out 😅

Yes she needs to help out around the house and people are talking as if she’s a baby, not a nearly 16 year old that has a boyfriend who gets lifts and always being funded to do fun stuff.
But the girl seems to understand she needs to help, and has come back.

To those saying that DP should have cancelled his overtime to help, who’s gonna pay for all these lifts and money for this poor ‘child’ to go out when she fancies it. It’s not too much to ask for the girl to help when her mum is poorly, a lot of comments here are going on like OP is really out of order, when she isn’t. Can’t imagine the people they’re raising if helping your mum when she can barely stand up, is that big a deal for people.

Exactly this.... I only read the first couple of comments on this thread but am incredulous at the lax attitude of some of the mums on here raising such entitled children. A family is a support unit and you help each other out in time of need. Every family member should have chores to do or they don't get pocket money. Teach them responsibility!
If she was poorly no doubt her mum would have taken time off to care for her.

So yes, on this particular incident you were too harsh. You agreed she could go out and then went off on one when you found out she planned to go out on Sunday as well. You then demanded she come home to do housework. You hadn't asked her in advance to do that. You don't normally expect her to do that. So you broke your normal agreement. So on this specific occasion, yes you were a bit harsh, although it is totally understandable.
That said, your normal agreement does need to be reviewed, she is old enough to contribute to the smooth running of the household, especially when some of the people in it are unwell. Unfortunately, changing the terms of engagement now will be difficult as she has an allowance and phone package for doing nothing, but all of the stuff you mention is typical teenager behaviour and she will grow out of it eventually.
Teenagers don't see mess. They don't pick up on cues or hints, or on things which are obvious to adults. Their heads are a whirling mass of hormones and thoughts and possibilities and picking the hair out of the shower, cleaning the loo, even doing their own washing, just doesn't register for them. For now, remember you don't need to worry too much about the housework. Do, or get done, the minimum you need to, and let yourself rest, it will still be there another day.

When you are all feeling better, take her out for coffee and talk about everything that needs doing on a regular basis. Ask her if she can commit to doing some of those things because you'd like and need her help, and let her pick which ones. And find an appropriate way to compensate her, so maybe a mum daughter spa if she likes that, or a late night out with her friends if she normally has to be home early as a special treat for instance, you know what motivates her.

Finally, hope you are all feeling better very soon.