Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Teenagers can be quite self centred and think of themselves mostly but that doesn't mean she doesn't love you or care for you and her sister, she just wants to go out.

It's unfair to expect her to do housework the whole day, the things that need doing isn't going to take one full day of working. You could have given her a few things to do and she could have worked them round going out and what she wants to do.

Hasn't she just finished her GCSEs she's been working hard, I assume, for some time and is probably wanting to go out now.

I wonder how a child gets to the age of 15 or 16 without having some sense of responsibility, let alone sympathy and wanting to help an ill mother with tot and shift-working father obviously needing support around the house. Children should pitch in - I'm sure many do, even at much younger ages - and not to do so for a parent who is ill seems unfathomably callous.

My dds when they were 15 were quite self centered. They were good children but it just wasn't foremost in their thoughts to think about me or the housework and what needs doing.
Now they are in their 20s they are not the same as they were at 15. They do things in the house without being asked, earn their own money, buy things for me dh and I and are generally great people.

I did, and still do, everything for them,, gave them money sorted everything out etc. I didn't ask too much from them because they were children.

Why would anyone judge a person for what they are like when they are 15? Their brains aren't fully developed yet at that age, why do people expect them to behave and think like 40 year olds.
They won't stay the same people and they turn out fine generally.

The OP sounds like a normal parent who cares for and does everything for her children and is feeling overwhelmed because she is sick.

@VeryStressedMum

Thank you for your post- it shows from your posts that you understand what it's like.

She hasn't done GCSEs yet, they are next year, but she has been doing some revision yes.

Ironically, after the disagreement we had yesterday where she insisted today she had plans with her BF, that's now not happening anymore as he "forgot" (🙄), so she's now feeling a crap about that. I offered to bring her into town instead for a bit of shopping to take her mind off it, ogre of a mother that I am. Even left toddler at home with DH so that we can have some quality time. She's disappeared into the sale rack in New Look so thought I would update on here. It's actually quite nice to have some time just the two of us for once. 🙂

I offered to bring her into town instead for a bit of shopping to take her mind off it, ogre of a mother that I am.

that's very nice but ff to 6 weeks if you and toddler have D&V again - has she learned anything about helping you and pitching in around the household? Also i thought you had a shit ton of chores that needed to be done?

It's actually quite nice to have some time just the two of us for once.

Fair play OP, glad you did that! I think it could be no harm after to say you need some help with dinner / chores etc

(And I only briefly looked through the posts today but god, you've been patient with some of the pedantic & critical posters).

get her doing some jobs in the house after the shopping

I know. People who "seriously doubt" that there is one bus in and out of the village I live in clearly live in large cities that are well connected! And can't comprehend that someone lives somewhere different

this is such a shitty comment to me. Believe it or not I have actually tried quite hard to give you what I think is good advice despite it being banging my head against a brick wall as you’re just ignoring stuff you don’t want to engage with. I live in a village but with good transport links so I suppose it’s hard to understand 1/2 buses a day. But equally then you say she refuses to take a taxi. I would just say she takes one (assuming they are safe) or that’s it.

it’s also nice you’ve taken her out but doesn’t address any of the issues whatsoever: it’s very unclear if you’re going to do anything at all to address the issues or if you’re going to continue to parent in an inconsistent manner where she gets everything she wants and does nothing, until for some reason you need to demand sudDenly she change her ways.

either way I can’t be bothered now given your refusal to contemplate different viewpoints and Your pretty passive aggressive message aimed towards me.

@MumofTeen22 Sending a huge hug your way. Can’t believe the response to your post.

No need to be so hard on yourself. It’s clear you’re a loving mother and your husband sounds great too. You were unwell and looking for support. Yes you probably snapped but you didn’t say anything too harsh. And you wouldn’t have had to if she had taken the initiative to help. My daughter steps in when I’m not feeling 100% and it really helps. Again you aren’t asking her to do a deep clean ! Just some general “keeping on top of things” work.

Dont worry too much - she’s a teenager so will be difficult when asked to do something (unless another parent asks!) Like you said she’s keen to join you on holiday and she did come home and apologise.

I know it’s hard to be consistent but I think that’s the key going forward. When you are feeling better you can sit down together and agree a regular allowance ans some regular “help” You can agree what those “jobs” are and that she only gets the free time / lifts etc after they are done. So she can arrange her social life accordingly!

Precisely, not that OP will take any notice.

No you wasn’t harsh at all, quite the contrary! I had 2 jobs by the age of 15 not for spending frivolously either it was towards unform and sanitary and hygiene products for me! My mum had new born twins so was ironing, helping around the house, with the babies etc. She sounds very entitled and you are doing her no favours enabling it. You did the right thing so please do not feel bad, she should be ashamed of herself. I have an 11 yo son and he can be incredibly selfish and lazy - so we try to teach him as I sound like an old woman but they really
dont know they are born these days (some of them).

You were really harsh. Why on earth are you relying on your teenage DD to help you with chores and childcare?! Her younger siblings are your problem, not hers.

She’s defo selfish, I have one of those daughters myself. But why in the world are you doing any housework ??? I don’t get it

I agree with a couple of other posters that I'm surprised by so many of the replies on here. At a basic human level, to see someone sick and obviously struggling you would imagine she would offer at least some help - teenager or not. Not to mention that its her Mum! Maybe it's a generation thing but I also would never have left my Mum to cope on her own in this situation. I think she needs an eye opening conversation about how good she has it, getting regular money while doing zero to earn it, otherwise real life (in 3 years) will be a big shock for her.

I think you are being mean. On several counts. Firstly your OH should be the one stepping up and helping more around the house and with the youngest. She’s a teenager and only a teenager once it’s not her fault your ill or that you have a toddler and they are ill. Finally I think you can of course ask her to do jobs to help out but just cannot expect her to change her plans to help out with general housework. Finally if you want her to do jobs give her specific jobs and ownership over those jobs, but that includes the times she wants to get them done.

Keep this up and you won’t have any kind of relationship with her when she’s older

Precisely what she's doing now!

Thank you. Some great advice here.

She’s still a child and should have some duties but if you can’t do your housework for a week, the house isn’t going to fall down. She came home and lost out on a day with friends, you're the adult.
Does it truly matter if the housework is behind. Think some put too much pressure on their children. On another thread here, someone left their 16 year old home alone.

Haha thank you. Patience worn thin now with those posters though so I'm just going for ignore them and they'll get bored eventually

Consistency is everything with teens.

It’s the hardest thing sometimes, but it is the thing that helps avoid the dramas the most.

Well I hope so - she's helping with a few jobs as well speak so all good (for now at least!) She's doing the dishwasher without much drama as we speak, so.... 🤞🏻

Yes we had a back log of chores today but you know what? She was upset about her bf forgetting their date today, so I thought taking her into town for the afternoon was a nice thing to do as her mum, rather than insist we stay home and clean. It seems to have cheered her up anyway, so today was a good day. 😊

I think you are being perfectly fine, teenagers today are so bloody lazy and entitled I imagine I would have felt the same as you, and everyone saying you are unreasonable is the reason why kids are so disrespectful because they just get away with so much these days

I do think some people on this thread need to remember to be kind.

The OP is unwell, has a toddler (also unwell) in combination with a 15 year old (not the best age in my experience)

Her husband is working hard and so can't help out.

Today she has been called resentful of her own child, told she is causing upset to her children by having a large age gap between her children, accused of making a child do enforced babysitting/ jobs around the house when they have no right to. Her husband should be around more. The list goes on.

There's also been some constructive advice which was probably really welcomed.

I've also snapped at my teenagers and felt awful afterwards desperately just needing a helping hand and words of encouragement.

Do think twice before making someone feel even worse about a situation they clearly feel uncertain about You'd never do this in real life. You'd give them a big hug and reassure them they are a good parent.

Thanks @marmiteadict

I'm skimming over the nasty twat comments. Most recent one was something about having no relationship with her she's older if I'm not careful, or words to that effect.

I used to let shit like that really upset me, but you know what? It says far, far more about the person posting it than it does me. So I shall continue to do what I'm doing, and I shall ignore.

Thank you for your supportive comment x