Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I don’t know your bus schedule but I highly doubt there is ONE bus and if she misses the ONE bus she is fucked. Maybe you get her a taxi and then that’s her allowance gone? There are plenty of options and this is ONE example you have given.

You can highly doubt it all you like. I'm not revealing where we live for you to check the bus timetable, but I can absolutely assure you that there is only ONE bus she can get to t where we live, and that it stops running at a certain time.

She refuses point blank to get in a taxi alone. Been there, too.

It isn't her fault you aren't feeling well and have a toddler. Presumably your choice to have such a big age gap. She should be helping in that she shouldn't be making extra work for you, so she cleans her own room, tidies after dinner, does dishes or loads the dishwasher, runs the hoover around. A badic level of chores should be non negotiable. Your dh whether working or not should be pulling his weight and sometimes you have to balance needing the money from overtime and actually helping around the house. I'd have asked him to forego the overtime and take care of the toddler so you could actually rest. I'd stick to your guns now but going forward make it clear that they all need to pitch in more.

To be fair you did ask ‘was I too harsh’ so you are going to get differing viewpoints!! It just sounds like you’ve had a particularly rough feeling week and actually you just wanted your daughter to notice/realise without having to be asked maybe? And it’s annoyed you that she didn’t? I get that. But and it’s a big but she won’t have done it intentionally to upset you - she came home and apologised. Teenagers are selfish but the tit for tat approach isn’t going to work. Of course you go help her out at short notice as you’re her mum - whether she would for you is irrelevant- she’s 15! You need to explain to her why you’re pissed off more this time and maybe just implement a few things from now on. But we don’t all get it right all of the time - I certainly don’t. I just have learnt in the great scheme of things what is it isn’t worth the argument

Not sure why that is unbelievable? I live in a v rural county and some buses to villages run twice a day, and that's not even daily..

@iGetItHonestly

?

@LuckySantangelo35

Oh I'm now being dissected for having a glass of wine last night.... apparently that means I can't possibly have had a bug earlier in the week that made me struggle to keep on top of housework.

Ignore some of these posters on here OP.

they are wanting you to be a martyr to your teen in the same way they are.

the fact that you’re not is challenging their whole patriarchal view of women and the world.

why should you be run ragged when you’re ill?! The daughter can step up!

Yeah, it's really fighting the patriarchy to make a teenage girl help with housework and childcare instead of the male parent.

I mean, it was obvious about 20 pages ago that anyone who doesn’t agree with you is “adding nothing of value”.

But I disagree, I think advice to have a look at your own actions/reactions and to stop arguing with those who disagree with you online, is invaluable.

Do you work full time or part time? I guess it depends on which of your messages about your working hours is true

@Rubyroseyposey

I know. People who "seriously doubt" that there is one bus in and out of the village I live in clearly live in large cities that are well connected! And can't comprehend that someone lives somewhere different....

@Vivi0

Not everyone disagrees with OP though

not sure why you’re claiming a consensus

Teen of 15 should be some chores, I grew up in care when I left at 16 I had no life skills at all, now at 31 I am not too bad, but I learned the v hard way, I don't want that for my daughter. But yes partner needs to doing chores, working or not. I don't see any women using work as a reason not to do household tasks.

Just ignore. It is silly. Surely they must know rural locations exist 🤣🙄

@LuckySantangelo35

Not everyone disagrees with OP though

not sure why you’re claiming a consensus

Can you please show me where I claimed a consensus?

My post was only two sentences long so it shouldn’t be too difficult for you to point out where I claimed a consensus. Please, show me.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

a) why shouldn’t she help with the housework? As a previous poster has said, she’s a teen, not a Demi God. Of course she should be helping out and contributing in the family home that she lives in and benefits from

b) OP’s partner physically is not in the house as he is working. Working, not out on the piss.

Why should OP have to do it all?! Especially when she is ill. Honestly, why?!

Why do some women like to see other women Martyr themselves when they become mothers?!

LuckySantangelo35 Your reading comprehension is really poor.

@ArmWrestlingWithChasNDave

its not, I just disagree with a lot of what is being said to OP

Oh wow. There is apparently NO end to the detective work and desperation of some posters to catch me out. How very sad.

I work 34 hours a week. Technically that's PT, but it's almost^^ FT. The inconsistency you are referring to is my typo in which I have missed the word "almost" before FT in my reply to another poster.

Anything else??? Would you like to search the house too?

I do get that it's frustrating and she could help a bit more. Thought it doesn't bother me if I am the only one emptying the dishwasher.

It sounds like there is extra work because You have a young child too. That isn't her fault.

I think the housework point has been done to death 😉

But another thing struck me…
Her change of mind on the holiday means her stepdad is working some 7 days weeks to afford for her to go, right?

Teens are fickle things and I wouldn’t criticise you for letting her change her mind - especially when it’ll be nice for you to have her there.

But then you’re posts about her trying on holiday clothes that you got her, and - IIRC? - she’s in town yesterday getting holiday clothes with money you gave her.

Now you might come back and tell me that it’s one pair of £5 Primark shorts and she literally has zero shorts that fit and you’re going some hot.

But it just struck me that an adult is working multiple extra shifts to accommodate her short notice change oh plan… yet she’s being given the message that there’s money to spare for holiday clothes. I think it’s worth considering that in that choice - you’re spoiling her. And spoilt attitudes seep through to other things.

I'd expect my both my 14 and 18 year old DS to help in this situation.

I don't think you're harsh at all, I feel for you you sound exhausted, hope you are ok and on the mend.

I get teenagers are selfish, but they should help and care in equal measures.

I've been on the other end of "it's been planned for ages" when clearly is hast.

And on the overdraft… frankly, no bloody way would I be paying off a teen overdraft and giving them spending money on the same day 😳

I wouldn’t have paid off the overdraft at all.

You taught her then that - like the housework and the holiday change - she can do whatever the hell she likes with zero consequences. And that money management one is so important… I think, and I’m not trying to just put the boot in, you messed up that bit of parenting.

OP - save your sanity and stop feeding the goaders!

I wonder how a child gets to the age of 15 or 16 without having some sense of responsibility, let alone sympathy and wanting to help an ill mother with tot and shift-working father obviously needing support around the house. Children should pitch in - I'm sure many do, even at much younger ages - and not to do so for a parent who is ill seems unfathomably callous.

What is clear, though, is that as soon as you told her straight what you want and what will happen, she got the message, saw it in her interest to recognise the position, apologise and comply.

That tells you something, doesn't it? Have you read the lesson from it? It's not that it's too harsh. Or that you should have to beg and wheedle - do not do that, ever. Or feel guilty for insisting that she sign in and do her bit when needed.

More of the firmness and insistence on give and take will work wonders and help her to grow up.