Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Yeah you were incredibly harsh. She’s a child. It’s rubbish that you’re feeling so crappy but it’s not her job to take on the jobs that you can’t do currently. Why is DH not having to pick up the slack?

Unbelievable!! She's not a "child" - I started full time work three weeks after my 16th birthday, and had been helping with household chores (as had most of my friends) for years before then. No wonder there are so many entitled brats these days. As for OP's DH - did you miss the part where he is working long hours?

stepup you know the DD was out for hours today, and is seeing her BF tomorrow.

Why do you think she’s so hard done by?

I'm curious: at what age should children become responsible for their own things, or helping the family function?

I'm genuinely baffled. My kids all have chores. Probably an hour a day, if you totalled it up. It doesn't impede their social lives, extra curriculars, etc.

How does a child/teen not helping around the house benefit them?

If you did not think marriage and having a toddler would be fun then why do it?????

If things were that simple then mumsnet wouldn't exist.

I think you were a bit harsh but I see your perspective

I think it’s all about delivery. In your head, she’s done F all for 15 years so you think she owes you one and could help you out a bit for one night whilst you’re unwell etc

but in her head you’ve randomly changed the goalposts (her lack of chores isn’t going to magically be corrected) and maybe embarrassed her in front of her friends/boyfriend by cancelling her plans and made her miss out.

I think you should have phrased it as “I’m sorry but I’m really not well, I never ask but any chance you can come home and help me out?” As it would have been more reasonable to her as it allows her to see things from your perspective.

Fine to ask her to do the odd chore. But it’s a bit shitty to suddenly decide without warning that she HAS to do them all tomorrow just because you don’t feel the house can go unHoovered until Monday. And yes, of course she should clear her hair out of the plug hole if that’s important to you, but she really doesn’t need to stay at home all day to do that. The way you’ve handled this, suddenly deciding that she had to ditch her plans when she was totally unaware you wanted her to stay at home because you hadn’t actually discussed it with her, just sounds like you’re being spiteful and resentful of her. You honestly just sound like someone who just doesn’t want other people to enjoy themselves just because you’re having a shit day.

Basically, your daughter is a normal teenager who likes spending time with her friends and is always asking for money and lifts and moans when you ask her to load the dishwasher. That is pretty much all teenagers. You’re talking about her as if you don’t actually like her and have zero affection for her. And I would imagine she picks up on that vibe from you.

Giving a teenager a lift somewhere she can’t get a bus to is just a much a parenting task as taking your toddler to play dates. She’s your child, not your lodger. She is also not the one who decided to have a baby. You and your husband have a toddler, not her, so you as the parents have to deal with it. Quite frankly, if I’d lived in a house with a clingy toddler and a mother who just banged on about how lazy and horrible I was when I was 15, I’d have wanted to go out every day too.

As mentioned earlier, I was given age-appropriate tasks from 3 up.

Fast forward to late teens and employment - I was well used to working hard and taking responsibility, so promotions came quickly and frequently. Spoon-feeding 15yr olds will do them no favours whatsoever once they need to earn a living. Assuming that they will earn a living, and not live on the sofa for the rest of their days!

What more did you want her to do? Did you tell her? She’s used to you letting her get away with doing nothing so this shouldn’t be a surprise.
And the comments about her step dad treating her like his own, that’s what you do as a step parent. You take on a partner with a child you take on responsibility.

She’s unstacked the dishwasher and you’ve given up. It sounds as though you’ve let her get away with it again unfortunately.

Can you get your dh to talk to her about how he’s sacrificing his weekends to work and pay for her ticket and room and that she needs to step up and be a team player? At the very least she should clear up her hair and fake tan and give the bathroom a once over.

My dd is 13 she doesn’t have specific chores so doesn’t help a great deal but does bits and bobs on request and often walks the dogs if asked. If I get a no, I tell her she can’t go out until x is done or won’t get a lift etc. When she first started fake tanning I told her I was fine with it but I wanted no mess or stains. I’ve also taught her to clean up after herself in the bathroom. Toothpaste stains, conditioner on the shower door etc.

It’s all really hard work to get your dc to do things but the fight is worth it because in the long run, life is made easier.

Can you just stop posting calling me nasty because I dare to agree with a child

@stepuporshutup

I called your post nasty, not you.

I stand by that. You didn't express an opinion. You attacked OP, nastily, calling her selfish and saying her DD feels 'pushed out' with her 'new family' (you've no evidence for this). This was after OP said she was feeling low, and crying & feeling attacked about how posters are suggesting she feels about her DD.

So yeah, a nasty post from you.

This!!
Reining in at 15 is too late.
The die is cast.

Jobs around the house need training for, way younger than 15.

I take this point on board.

You have let her get away with it and walk all over you her whole life and now expect her to change because your ill. Children don't just turn into entitled little brats one day they are brought up that way.
No you weren't to hard on her I would not beg my child for help ever I would tho absolutely expect and get it if I was ill.

What a nasty sneering post. You sound like you have some kind of chip on your shoulder. Women with DC by exes are allowed to move on and remarry, you know. It doesn't make them bad or neglectful parents.

OP, you are not mean, or selfish or inconsiderate. You were being a good parent. You daughter absolutely is old enough to be helping out, but I know how wearing it is trying to get kids this age to do anything without sulking or a fight. You were ill. She didn't care. She expects everything to be a one-way street, all flowing towards her.

Honestly, if you hadn't have put your foot down you'd have been doing her no favours in the longer run. Ignore all the judgemental comments on here. You did nothing wrong.

I see you quoted one of my posts as hurtful, I wasn’t trying to hurt you, it just comes across like you resent your daughter because of the way she behaves, which is reasonable in a sense, but she is this way because you allowed her to go her entire life getting out of doing any chores you’ve set her. The whole thread you’ve just relentlessly complained about her, there’s not been one nice thing said by you in regards to her. I’m not saying I think you’re a bad mum or you don’t love her, but to me the resentment and anger you feel towards her is very evident, and I think that’s unfair because you made her this way by doing almost everything she’s asked (the holiday situation would have been a good way to teach her actions have consequences, but you immediately gave in at great expense to you and your husband) and letting her get away with not doing what she’s told with zero consequences.

Can you read and then comprehend what you have read?
No of course you cannot because my opinion is not the same as yours my post is nasty.
Read posts and take on board what the poster is writing.

I posted I expect your daughter feels pushed out. But you interpret it in your own way if it makes you feel like you are correct. So the mother is ill and crying writing posts in here and the 15 year old is now in her bedroom. Do you think the teenager is whooping it up or do you think there may be a chance just a little one maybe that she is upset, or does that agree with your pov so I am wrong.
No I am not wrong not at all the 15 year is not a whipping board for the mother because she is ill. Anyway it might surprise you to know I was giving op my opinion I was not asking for yours amusing as it is. But I will allow you to answer my post as it seems to give you great joy to do so, and I am all for everyone having joy.

I do hope you had the mental capacity to read this post and understand it xx

Exactly!

@Elsiebear90

I didn't want to exclude my own daughter from a family holiday. And as I said I was actually sad when she originally said she didn't want to come (you'll note that's a nice thing I've already said about her on this thread, to contradict your comment). So why would I not bend over backwards to bring her with us on holiday if we can make it work?

stepuporshutup

Oh so very sorry my opinion is wrong because it does not align with yours
The op is selfish her daughter deserves a life of fun at 15.
The op decided she wanted a life of fun when she married the stepfather and had more children.
I wonder if the 15 year old was asked her opinion or was it just what the mother wants the mother gets.
The girl is 15 and had a shit 2 years let her have fun now.
I did not ask for your advice and neither do I care for it.

What a nasty, horrible post. It was one day, why are you being so dramatic? You mentioned on another post that the OP "expects her DD to be her carer". Again, it's one day. What is wrong with you? The venom is oozing out of you.

Because as you’ve described her she is selfish, entitled and lazy, so it would have been a good lesson to her that her actions have consequences and your husband will not be working 7 days a week because she changed her mind on a whim. If you don’t teach her this as a teenager (who are naturally selfish entitled and lazy) she won’t learn, it’s not good allowing her to get away with this behaviour and facilitating it, then expecting a sudden dramatic turn around and resenting her when it doesn’t happen.

I do hope you had the mental capacity to read this post and understand it

It was so poorly & incoherently written, I struggled tbh

You aren't even remotely apologetic about how you attacked OP

It's nothing to do with having a different opinion - that's fine. It's writing hurtful nasty comments to someone who has said she's upset - that's not fine.

Maybe you were harsh but maybe it needed to be said!
From age 12 onwards I hoovered, polished and cleaned the bathroom or put stuff in the bins or helped with the washing up. For pocket money and spends to go out with.
when I was 15 I had a Saturday job at Dunelm and worked 9-6 for £2.30 an hour (I’m 37 now for reference) I used the money for spends on going out with mates, cinema ice rink etc we still helped out and earned my mum still paid for us to have driving lessons and other stuff as we got older and whilst we worked and we helped out around the house. It is not unreasonable she is 15 now. Not saying she needs to get a job but she could help around the house for pocket money etc, she needs to learn the value of money and earning it.
Maybe you’ve left it too late but I’d have a talk with her about how she needs to start taking some responsibility she is growing up and it’s time to prepare her that you need to work for things in life.

Which is why I suggested prioritising the most essential jobs, and getting to the non-essential ones when you fell better, @MumofTeen22 - and, at the same time, prioritising your recovery.

If you over-do things now, trying to have the house exactly as you want it, it will take you longer to get better. Rest properly now, and you will get through the backlog of jobs much more quickly when you are well.

Yes you were harsh, and a bit childish, but it seems the overall picture of chores and respect certainly needs work as stated by many PP.