Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I haven't read all the comments but I read an early one saying something like "it's a result of 15 years of your poor parenting"

And honestly I just thought FFS. What a load of bullshit. People rushing to blame parents for doing their best. The fact that you're posting on MN to sense check your decision/ultimatum shows you already care and you already think deeply about the way you're parenting.

She sounds like a totally normal teenager who is prioritising her mates and boyfriend right now. It doesn't mean she's awful, that's just being a teenager no? Ultimately she came home. She cares. It's just hard when you're 15 to put your own social life aside even for a day.

I think it sounds like a little harsh in its tone but she's old enough to tolerate a few frustrated words given you're ill etc.

Ignore all the judgement. Hope u feel better soon .

OP, you are probably shattered at the moment. I have been there when I caught the flu a couple of weeks after having my third baby. DH worked full time and I had no help whilst he was at work.

YANBU to expect your teen to help with chores routinely

YABU to expect her to drop plans she has had a while like you did. But I suspect you are at the end of your tether.

Get well soon, and when you do, set up a chores list so it doesn’t all fall on you.

I think we are alike in that respect - I find the mess even more stressful when I'm unwell too!

I'm sat in the lounge with a glass of wine, sobbing, typing this

Ah OP 😢

You are exhausted & have been sick.

Try to get some rest. When your energy is back up, have a think about an approach that will work for you and DD. Leave it for tonight.

You'll figure out. So will DD. You will be fine, in the end. She's not a bad daughter, you're not a bad mum! You are both just navigating the joys of teenage life.

Try to go to bed early & get a decent sleep. Tomorrow will be better! 💐

Did you even bother to read OP's posts & how she is feeling before you typed this nasty ill-informed post?

Oh so very sorry my opinion is wrong because it does not align with yours.

The op is selfish her daughter deserves a life of fun at 15.
The op decided she wanted a life of fun when she married the stepfather and had more children.

I wonder if the 15 year old was asked her opinion or was it just what the mother wants the mother gets.
The girl is 15 and had a shit 2 years let her have fun now.
I did not ask for your advice and neither do I care for it.

Thank you and I really do sympathise. Also sick with Covid and grouchy at the moment! I don’t think you’re asking for anything unfair at all but I really do think you’d do well to get your dd to feel as though she’s got some control and choice (while still getting chores done).

For what it’s worth my own mother is nothing like you. I had to buy my own tampons from the age of 13, I was shouted out of bed at 8am every Saturday to clean the house by myself and I never once got a hug through my teen years. I wish she was as loving as you obviously are.

Why are YOU so adamant the ones who are saying yabu are being nasty?

Because so many of those ones accompanied their YABU with a side helping of snide remarks & insults. M
Some of the comments to OP have been really awful.

I don't understand why it's so important that you do the housework can't that wait until you are better? It won't go away.
. If she had made plans with her boyfriend then yes I think you are being unreasonable . It's not her job to look after your toddler.
Your expectations about her helping out regularly is a different issue and you should have a discussion with her about it but that's separate from her changing her plans to spend a day doing housework.

I think we are alike in that respect - I find the mess even more stressful when I'm unwell too!

Completely hear you! I'm a single parent so stuff really won't get done - which was similar to you with DH out at work.

I have done things others would say are mental, even ill, like hoovering or cleaning the floors. I would be lying there thinking of the accumulating mess otherwise!

• when not 'even'

Only on Mumsnet are teenagers not expected to pull their weight around the house. Little wonder why there are so many lazy, entitled adults around that can't do a single thing for themselves.

Enabling attitudes like this is why you have a post on mumsnet 'help, my adult son still living at home and does nothing around the house'. Heck even the OP's daughter is already talking about staying at home a while longer for the convenience.

Op I don't think you've been harsh at all, infact I think you need to be stricter and curb this while you still can.
Good luck and hope you get some much needed rest.

The op is selfish her daughter deserves a life of fun at 15.
The op decided she wanted a life of fun when she married the stepfather and had more children

WTAF?

So helping out a bit around the house band having fun are mutually exclusive?

And as for the second comment! Are you quite well?

And guess what, people can respond on a thread whether or not you ask them to or want them to. It’s kind of how a discussion thread works.

The op decided she wanted a life of fun when she married the stepfather and had more children.

I mean, I had to laugh at this gem.

I decided I wanted "a life of fun" so I chose to get married and have a toddler and work full time and do all the shitty boring household tasks that go with being a frazzled working mum?

And this is, sorry, what, a life of FUN?

Fuck me, I've been ripped off here.

At what point does the fun start, please? Any possible way to speed up its arrival? 🤣

Oh I read them the op is feeling shit and so is her toddler.
But of course the 15 year old is feeling on top of the world?????
Wow only you and op can have an opinion that you agree on but nobody is allowed to take the side of the 15 year old really.
Can you just stop posting calling me nasty because I dare to agree with a child

I think YANBU for expecting a teenager to contribute to the house and to help you when you are ill.

But these are conversations you should have had with her long before today. So YABU for expecting her to suddenly change her plans, and for giving her an ultimatum. If you’ve been ill for a few days why didn’t you speak to her about this before instead of letting your resentment bubble up? It’s not a great lesson in honest communication.

Effectively telling her ‘I hope you haven’t made any plans for tomorrow because you’re not going’ is also really disrespectful. I feel sorry for her actually, having to panic to get home quickly with no notice.

I have a teen DD and you have to remember that they don’t think like us. If you wanted her to help then it needed to be spelt out to her. And it sounds like you’ve made an uncomfortable bed for yourself by not setting out some ground rules about housework before this.

A 15 year old should be helping out at home. By that age all mine could do everything that needed doing in the home including decorating.
As a parent, it was my job to make sure they had these skills

I posted a list of some of the worst earlier. I think I missed a few, too.

Truly awful some people are. Not able to say "YABU" without some personal insult to accompany it. Dreadful.

It’s not about letting her get away with doing nothing. The point is that she suddenly lost her shit and gave her DD an ultimatum with no warning.

If she’s been letting her get away with not helping for years then she’s just suddenly moved the goalposts. THAT’S what’s unreasonable. It should be an adult conversation.

I guess the same time as your 15 year old starts having fun.

If you did not think marriage and having a toddler would be fun then why do it?????
You had a choice your daughter did not

@IvorCutler

Gosh that sounds awful (your childhood experience) - I'm sorry. Covid also sounds grim. Hope you feel better soon

If you did not think marriage and having a toddler would be fun then why do it?????

Holy moly. I was joking, I was using humour. Parts of it are fun, as it happens. 😊

just watching to see how this plays out.

The OP got married and had more kids ‘to have fun’ and now it’s DDs turn.

Never have I ever 😂😂

All the crazies are out tonight - 9pm Saturday night.

I agree completely.
In my house, every member of the household had to contribute to the running of the house. My children now do the same with my grandchildren. Its setting them up with life skills

You sound pretty inconsistent. If there is no expectation on her to do basic chores then it’s harsh to suddenly call her, demand she comes home and cancel her plans at the last minute to spend half her weekend cleaning. If there was a consistent expectation, such as she always cleans the bathroom, empties the dishwasher and hangs up a load of laundry before she can go out of Saturdays and she hadn’t done it then it wouldn’t be harsh to make her do it later and be unimpressed. It’s that lack of consistency and shifting expectations that causes friction and uncertainty.