Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Just to add--you weren't too harsh!

Have you seen the number of posters who say I'm not unreasonable or are you just conveniently ignoring that part?

You’re also conveniently ignoring the posters who are saying YABU.

Obviously you were going to have mixed responses. There’s no rule book on parenting. Everyone has different expectations and boundaries.

If your sat here sobbing typing you’re answers then put the phone/tablet/laptop down. Step away from the screen and calm down. As you’re actively arguing with other posters.

Maybe start another thread, not on AIBU, for advice on how to deal with your teen’s behaviour. You’d probably get more helpful comments.

We can’t all censor our comments without knowledge of your history. I was relating to another poster’s situation and not your own scenario. I said I didn’t think you’d done anything unreasonable at all. I never for one second suggested your daughter was going to move away. I can understand you’re having a very tough day and I think you’d do well to get off of mumsnet for the evening if it’s making you feel so awful.

I would set a fresh set of rules.

Give her jobs to do daily (dishwasher etc) and weekly tasks (strip her bed/ hoover etc)

Those ions need to be done daily and must be done by a certain time at weekend.

This earns her her pocket money.

I don't think either of you is wrong but neither are either of you right.

There's a lack of communication, set of expectations that have been set but you're not on the same page.

If she chooses to role her eyes and not do the jobs you've asked (don't nag just set a do x by y time schedule) then she won't get money or lifts.

^ this.

You aren’t at risk of losing her by asking her to do what she should have been doing for some time now.

You aren’t asking her to become Cinderella.

Now… bed! 😉

we’ve had covid this week - the dc we’re fine with it but dh and I were laid up for days and my 12 and 13 year old kept up the house between them and cooked all the meals.

They get lots of extra attention and consideration when they’re ill and it’s good for them to give it to others. They’re are lots of lovely benefits to living as a family and there are also responsibilities.

It would have been better to start a bit earlier OP but on the whole I don’t think yabu. Parenting includes teaching our dc to be competent, independent and compassionate.

You are selfish not her. She is 15 and I suspect you told her instead of asking her. You have younger children and a husband she has a stepdad and younger siblings which from your attitude you seem to expect her to be your carer.

She is 15 years old let her be a teenager let her have fun.

Ask her if she would mind putting the washing in or running the vac over before she goes out.

I expect she feels pushed out with your new family.

I repeat she is 15 ask her dont tell her and maybe give her attention instead of commands.

Op ignore all the nasty comments I really think this place is becoming more toxic with posters sticking the boot in unnecessary.

If I were you I'd step away from the thread and take some time for you. Most of us understood your point of view, it's the minority trying to make you feel crap

Because of neuroscience the girl can’t be expected to do a bit to help? Does it not occur to you that the entire point of the whole “development of the prefrontal cortex” thing is that teenagers need to be taking on more responsibility and learning these skills in order to develop?

My grandmother left school at 15 to clean houses. Most teenagers of her generation were working at that age. In previous centuries kids that age would have been millworkers or farm workers or out in service from about 12 onwards. Girls of fifteen were schoolmistresses of village schools. It’s a miracle the country was still standing, I guess.

FFS, a 15 year old may be legally a child but they should also be doing basic things to help in their family because that’s part of preparing to be an adult. I can’t imagine seeing your mum unwell and just going out to socialise and not at least doing a few things to help, or even just reading or sitting with the toddler watching CBeebies, so that mum could have a break.

My mum had awful migraines and whilst I wasn’t running the house whilst she was ill, I was making her some tea, putting the vacuum over, babysitting the siblings, and getting them some cheese and crackers. It’s really not too much to expect of a teenager!

You're not going to lose your daughter over one debatably 'harsh' action. Your relationship with your daughter is the sum of years of parenting not a 5 minute snap decision.
Harsh or not, it clearly worked as not only did she come back she said sorry for being late. This shows she still has respect for your authority, so you clearly haven't lost control of the situation.
I think you need a chat. If you feel you were harsh, tell her. But explain what led up to it and what she can do differently in future to stop things reaching breaking point.

For someone so ill they demanded their daughter stay home to do chores, you’re spending a lot of time on here whilst she does the housework.

Isn’t she doing her GCSES at the moment too? I do think you were unfair, I know my daughter is finding it stressful.

It seems it's expected that she does nothing but then your annoyed when she does nothing? Would regular jobs make more sense? Would also say it's reasonable to ask her to do a few job this weekend but surely not all day.

I think you’re getting harsh responses. You may have been a little unreasonable , but thats understandable given the situation. Its not too much to ask for help when you arn't well. Maybe apologise for being harsh as she has also apologised to you and maybe explain that she could perhaps help out on a regular basis in future in return for lifts and her spending money. Hope you feel better soon x

What a load of crap!
A 15 year old is more than capable of having chores and having some responsibility--things they need to learn to become able adults. Their lives are not meant to be 24/7 'fun', FFS.
And, as for OP being selfish, nonsense. Sound completely the opposite--OP is likely burned out by looking after others to the detriment of herself.

if I felt that ill the last thing I'd be worrying about would be cleaning the house it can wait.

When I'm sick, the mess / undone jobs really stresses me out. Not just essential stuff but everything that piles up. Even when sick, I try very hard to keep on top of it in some way.

Saying 'it can wait', well some things can't & some things while they can wait are a total nightmare to catch up on once you're well.

@IvorCutler

It wasn't necessarily your comment that bothered me, it was more the casual back and forth on my thread about how you and another poster couldn't wait to get away from your mothers. It's just a bit much at the moment that's all.

When you bear in mind that I've also had this nice little lot thrown at me today (a selection of the most hurtful comments):

• I'm sorry you're ill but you sound horrible. No wonder she's staying away.

• You don’t seem to like her very much.

• You speak about her like you don’t even like your daughter?

• She didn't ask you to start over again with a new hubby and a new kid. I wouldn't be surprised if she moves out in a year or two you sound like a nightmare.

• My mum was a dick and I left on my own with no help at 16 just after my GCSE's. It was tough but I survived. Our relationship has never really recovered. She like you was cocky and thought I'd be begging to come back

• I think you were harsh OP and on top of that you speak with such disdain for you daughter it makes me sad for her. What's the matter - is she not playing ball with your shiny new life with your new family? Making like hard for you because she's not a cutsey toddler?

Poor kid!

Someone also suggested that I didn't even love my daughter.

So yeah, I'm feeling a bit sensitive on that front at the moment.

Apologies if I causes any offence - it's not about you personally. Just the shittiness in general that I've been on the receiving end of on here.

Thank you. That's helpful.

OP - i actually think some of the posters on here live on another planet. You have done nothing wrong and the way she is behaving isn't necessarily your parenting it's likely just arsehole teenage behaviour. The very fact that her attitude upsets you shows that you parent fine.

Don't be too hard on yourself OP. You snapped after a week of being ill and trying to carry the entire load.. it's understandable. Your daughter sounds like she could do with developing some empathy.. while I realize that's not the natural state of a teenager, it's an important lesson and perhaps this will help her reflect on her behaviour. Maybe have a chat with her when you're feeling better to set expectations going forwards and establish a minimum expectation. She is of an age to help, just important to make sure she also has enough time to study & see her friends.

On the matter of laying all the blame at the mothers door... it's all too common and pisses me off. My 13 year old daughter rarely, if ever, does anything beyond basic chores like putting her laundry away and packing the dishwasher now.. she used to a variety and I paid what I considered a reasonable amount per chore. This helped me out being a single Mum who works full time. I felt it was a good way to teach her the value of hard work. Her Father (my ex) felt it helpful to give her a fixed monthly allowance of a ridiculous amount just because. The value is absurd for a 13 year old and far in excess of what I had to date paid her.. predictably she no longer has any motivation to do chores at home.. people judge ME for her apparent ''laziness''... not him.

Because of neuroscience the girl can’t be expected to do a bit to help? Does it not occur to you that the entire point of the whole “development of the prefrontal cortex” thing is that teenagers need to be taking on more responsibility and learning these skills in order to develop?

OMFG.

RTFT - read what I wrote. I have not once said she shouldn’t be doing chores. Not once.I actually said the opposite.

jesus christ

Don’t get me wrong, at an appropriate age they can strip their own sheets, tidy up their own mess, hoover their own rooms, clear and wash their own plates/cups etc. The sooner they learn this, the better imo.

But they were exactly the examples I gave; while citing them as being 'an extra pair of hands' 😂

The only difference is I extend it to the wider household eg one child might have to strip all the sheets, another hoover all downstairs or whatever.

I believe strongly it's not just about them doing tasks that link only to them, it's about being part of a family & helping with wider household tasks.

With things like washing, mine are a bit young to do their own washes (& it's not very efficient) so I do the washing but I might ask them to sort the wash (whites / colours / darks) then put it on, and another takes it out & hangs it up.

It's not treating them like a servant to expect participation in the house.

There's a myriad jobs they obviously don't do like paying bills, or organising work men to come to the house! But if I'm clearing out a room for example, yes, I'll rope in an available child.

Two posts which perfectly sum up why people usually post a thread on MN. To be heard and understood with compassion, and to get some simple yet reasonable advice. nice

Well said 👏

Except that wasn't what was said?

Some posters said YABU, some said YANBU & there were some demented posts having an unnecessary go at OP.

Maybe RTFT before posting 🙄

yes I’ve seen ‘a number’ of posters agreeing with you. Why are YOU so adamant the ones who are saying yabu are being nasty? You literally asked in AIBU 🤦🏾‍♀️