Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

This is your absolute in for the situation. Your dh is working to earn extra money so that she can now come on holiday, which he absolutely wants to do. For her. Because you’re a family and a team and he wants her to come too. And because you’re a family and a team, she needs to play her part and step up to be a team player too. That means helping out because he can’t as he’s not there.

This - I think maybe a reaction to a build up of being Ill, but sadly I think you were reaping what you’ve sown to a certain extent. At that age I most definitely had chores in the house and a very dim view would’ve been taken of at least not offering to help out if mum was ill - surely that’s just being a responsible caring part of the house , dad always stepped up but most certainly would not have cancelled a paying shift when I could’ve helped out. BUT it wouldn’t have been from a standing start iyswim, you’d have been getting help with chores all along. Time for a serious reset perhaps

YANBU. She could have helped more when you have been unwell. I had a much younger sibling when I was a teenager and helped with her a lot. Helped in the house too. Nothing worse when you are sick and have to look after young children. Hope you feel better soon.

Nah. Not sexist bollocks. You've said yourself how much you do for her and how little you've asked of her in return. In your own words it was easier just to do things yourself than make her do them. You've done her no favours by pandering to her.

I probably should have travelled further, but Ireland was as far as I could get on my part time Debenhams wage lol
Don't regret it though x

Not read all the frankly bonkers posts on this thread so not sure if this has been said but, OP, you can be sure if you had posted this about your son and not your daughter then unless he volunteered immediately to cancel all plans, cleaned the house from top to bottom, looked after the toddler, did the weeks laundry and spoon fed you chicken soup he had made from scratch then you would have been accused of raising a selfish and useless man-child.

I sort of think it’s a bit harsh because you and her sibling being ill isn’t really her responsibility, but saying that it would piss me off if she was being blatantly lazy and not at all empathetic to her family under these circumstances. I think you were right to put your foot down on this occasion, won’t hurt her.

Can those talking about moving to away to escape their mothers have a bit more tact please and either start your own thread about that or be more sensitive. You are literally making me feel that I am going to lose my daughter because I asked her to help me, fgs!

It's adding nothing of any value and it's not exactly helping me in my current situation.

Thanks to all the posters who are helping, I appreciate it.

Two posts which perfectly sum up why people usually post a thread on MN. To be heard and understood with compassion, and to get some simple yet reasonable advice. nice 👌

So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest

This is the bit that has made people think you are asking for help with your toddler.

She's now stopped off to her room declaring that's she's done "enough"

And what exactly has she done that she thinks is enough?

You being ill has brought this to a head and perhaps not in the best way, but you need to reset your relationship with her and your expectations. You can try talking to her, I suspect she'll do some variation of sticking her fingers in her ears and going 'la la la I can't hear you'. If so, warn her. Next time she wonders why she has no clean clothes it's because you've done enough. If she want extra money, you've done enough. Not she's had enough, you've done enough. Sometimes it's the only way to get through to them.

OP: AIBU? Was i too harsh? 🥺
Replies: yes to both
OP: waaaa IANBU, you’re all wrong 😡

🙄

That was a statement of my frustration at the whole situation in which I find myself doing everything at home a lot of the time.

The part I want and expect from DD is to pull her weight with household chores, given that she lives here too. I've been clear about that multiple times

Are you Ok?

Have you seen the number of posters who say I'm not unreasonable or are you just conveniently ignoring that part?

I don’t regret it either and my mum actually followed me here 15 years later! We have a good relationship these days.

Just b/c it's been this way doesn't mean it needs to stay this way. It's not going to be easy, she's going to act completely miserable, but when things are a bit more chill, it's time to sit down and chat. Make it clear that there will be no more money for simply existing. If she wants pocket money, it needs to be earned. She's now in charge of her own laundry.

Look at it as equipping her to manage on her own. It's to her benefit to learn to do these things. Not having to take care of herself at all, and with zero concept of money beyond, "Bank of Mom" won't help her in the future.

It's going to suck, bad, I'm not going to lie. But it's for her you're doing it.

Wow, I was actually being nice.

Yes, YABU. Get a cleaner!

And what exactly has she done that she thinks is enough?

Loaded the dishwasher, took some clothes upstairs and cleaned the cat's food bowls (her own cat who she wanted and insisted she would look after him, and guess who cleans his bowls and replaces his water and feeds him etc......?)

That's what she's done. DH has taken over bedtime with toddler as he can see I'm at breaking point. I've told him I just need some headspace on my own so I'm sat in the lounge with a glass of wine, sobbing, typing this 😕

No you weren't harsh, families need to help each other out. She will do the housework and you will say thank you and all will be well. I would change the wifi code if she continues to not carry out her fair share of household jobs.

Haven't read full thread, just read through your replies OP. No, you weren't too harsh. No housework isn't exciting for any of us. I have a 13 & 14 year old. They get consequences for not helping me when I ask and they don't hate me for it. I do stuff for them when I cba, it's only fair and decent for them to treat me with the same respect when they cba.

I'm not bashing your parenting as I don't know how you do it, it's weird how people instantly think the worst about people from one post! I've always found it helpful to talk to the kids about why I snap if/when I do, that the kids gets arsey when they're tired/sick/busy etc but they have the choice to go out, we don't or we'd be living in squalor. Kids won't end up in therapy just because we get stern sometimes. Yeah, she shouldn't have to help you do the chores but it would help you out alot if she did this or that then go do her own thing. A little give and take works and if one side doesn't give when you've been running around to help her, then you're bound to get frustrated!

Hope you're better soon op, this site is full of raging negative vipers who jump at the first chance to drag someone down. It did seem like some took a more balanced view which was good to see, judging again from your replies.

YANBU, not even close.
I hope you and your toddler start to feel better and at some point, your DD wises up. Good luck.

Have an early night if you can.

Sleep helps.

Things will feel better in the morning. x

@IvorCutler

I lost my own mum as a young child.

I'm struggling with my own daughter and there's comments to the effect of me losing her, too. I'm physically not well and I'm low.

It isn't helpful to keep reading how people fucked off from their mother as soon as they could, firstly because I lost my own so it hits quite hard, and secondly because I don't think it's relevant or fair to suggest that's how my own relationship with my DD is going.

As a PP has mentioned, you can use this as a re-set. Tell her that the last week has made you realise that chores need to be shared - no chores, no money/lifts. Basic chores = basic allowance. If she wants more, she does more. Alternatively, you could pay for a cleaner for a couple of weeks and tell DD that there's no money left for her :)