Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

OP, you talk like your daughter hatched out of an egg yesterday, like she's lazy and selfish because that is just what she is. But it is you who raised her like this! You did everything for her, never made her do chores as a routine, let her grow that sense of entitlement, and now you resent her for it. Even now with the holiday, you've taught her nothing. You've let her think she can just tell you what she wants and everyone will do everything to accommodate it, no matter what it means for them. Yet you somehow expect her to be grateful. Why would she feel grateful for things you've shown her she's entitled to? You should be mad at yourself, not the girl who is a product of her upbringing.

A lot of people telling the OP that she's been harsh to her daughter. So what?

She does sound lazy, but tbf, you have created this situation. If you have done everything for her, she's going to be a bit useless.

When neither of you is cross, you need a conversation about her doing her bit.

Mine were emptying the dishwasher, doing their own laundry inc stripping their beds weekly from about 12. They're now 19 and 23 and (when back home) they are very domesticated and helpful - plus great cooks.

I wouldn't want to curtail her social life, but I would also expect a small contribution to chores.

It would fuck me off too, OP.
But, yes, it does stem from her not being assigned chores (and a little bit of responsibility) as she's gotten older.
You need to task her with stuff.
But, yes, she needs to step up whilst you are ill and DP is out working, IMO. She's old and, I daresay, capable enough.

Children aren’t an extra pair of hands,

I disagree entirely. That's exactly what they are!

They should do what's within their competency but yes, if I'm running about doing chores, I'll expect one to eg fetch the washing, another to tidy up, a third to strip sheets etc. all extra pairs of hands.

I'm the only one who can drive (as the only adult) so I bring them daily to training & matches. I don't feel bad for a second if I need help & asking them. I've a line when they say 'I've done [name of task] for you' ' I say 'no, you did it for all of us'. We all live in the house.

If I were her I'd be pissed off. You told her to come home to help out around the house and yet you have all this time to sit on mumsnet replying to posts and cuddling a toddler to sleep.

I know teenagers are annoying but they're not servants.

YABU
she needs to generally be more helpful - put the odd load of laundry away, tidy her room, stack the dishwasher occasionally. And she should do the odd spot of babysitting for her sibling, and make a cuppa for you sometimes.
But she shouldn’t give up plans to specifically help round the house and help out with housework. Thats too much and not the norm for teens.

Exactly this. Why are they not expected to do what needs doing to make the family tick over?
No one is suggesting they should be a servant or a lacky

This. Mine doesn’t help she can forget her phone or horsriding it isn’t going to happen. Rudeness I ignore some and bite at others. I pick my battles.

in your case I would suggest you talk to her and suggest the the money for phone lifts etc and shopping is coming from you and she isn’t pulling her weight. That’s her choice. But it does mean the phone etc will be taken away if she chooses not to.

but she is also not a slave so give her certain jobs and your husband certain jobs etc when they get in and if they are done well - she can go out on Sunday - teenagers have two shitty Covid years so she sat in for years. Try not to be too harsh with yourselves

🤣🤣🤣🤣😁😁😁😁

To be honest, if I felt that ill the last thing I'd be worrying about would be cleaning the house it can wait.
It must be very frustrating to have a Daughter who does nothing to help, but this is down to how she has been raised. When she does chores, she can earn lifts or spending money.

People saying she is a child, that's true, but she's old enough to get into the city to meet her friends and have a boyfriend, she's old enough to help a bit more than she does.

On the other hand I think your ultimatum was harsh.
My Mom did this to me when I was 16. I'd had a sleepover with a group of friends when we finished school for good, and I rang home in the morning asking I could stay until dinner time as we were going to go shopping and have a bbq. She tore me a new one and said I if to be home by 11am to help clean. I got on the next bus crying my eyes out, cleaned the house top to bottom and moved to Ireland a few months later as I was so annoyed at being treated like a skivvy. I never saw those friends again as we all dispersed around the world and it still makes me sad 25 years later. We were having such nice time.
Granted this was the final straw on the camels back, but I've never forgiven her

Maybe a weekly family meeting to discuss what's expected and discuss diaries etc may be helpful, or even helping her find a part time job. She may just realise how hard life is

She’s not getting handouts from you, she’s a child and you are responsible for her.

Its tough that you have been ill and she should pull her weight with house jobs but it is incredibly childish for you to convey info about what you expected on the Sunday via text instead of in a face to face conversation like an adult.

Its also not your oldest child’s problem that her sibling is a toddler aged child. It’s nice if she wants to help out with her sibling but it is 100% your responsibility to look often your children.

So you are not unreasonable for giving her rules and expecting her to stick to them but the way you went about it was poor.

I can't believe all the people giving a teenager a free pass to helping out at home!

I can't believe she didn't help out at home when her mother and sibling are sick - what happened to being part of a team and working to help each other? No matter their age (over toddler-dom!), every family member should be working together as a team.

So, no, I don't think you were harsh but equally, if you've never expected her to pull her weight in the family structure, you could have given her more notice and explicit instructions and expectations.

OP, you talk like your daughter hatched out of an egg yesterday, like she's lazy and selfish because that is just what she is. But it is you who raised her like this!

Interesting yet again that her father, who incidentally has also contributed to raising her, is in no way responsible for who she is.

Sexist bollocks - just the mother's fault. Course it is.

I got on the next bus crying my eyes out, cleaned the house top to bottom and moved to Ireland a few months later as I was so annoyed at being treated like a skivvy.

Well my daughter is anything but "treated like a skivvy" as I think the numerous comments I've received both on here and IRL to the effect that I am allowing her to "walk over me" and I'm "too soft" have shown!

Yes of course, parents are 100% to blame if teenagers ever misbehave. And a 'proper conversation' will sort it out. Self-righteous much?

OP I think you'd be unreasonable to strictly enforce the 5pm deadline, but it's OK to ask something extra of her under the circumstances. Get well soon.

This post resonates strongly and echoes exactly how I feel and why I posted.

You have truly understood my perspective.

I'm sorry you have been poorly @Haha12, I hope you are doing better now.

Thank you for your post

No, I don't think you were too harsh.

And I don't think she is lazy either.

It seems to be that she did the right thing in the end, and whatever it took to get her to see that you were suffering worked in the end.

She has her own social circle, which in itself is great and it's a really tricky balance between her family and her boyfriend/friends.

And it's really difficult when a partner does shift work as life tends to revolve around them, so sympathies.

Hopefully you're feeling better

Gosh, I think you're getting harsh replies here OP.

It sounds like you've reached the end of your tether and the frustration in the tone of your posts is a result of that.

I absolutely used to have to do both jobs and whole days of jobs to support my mum when I was a teenager and that wasn't even when people were ill.

During the summer holidays she'd leave a list of jobs every day and they had to all be done by the time she got home from work. Other than that the time was mine to do as I pleased. That included washing for the whole family, hoovering, cleaning out pet litter (not my chosen pets). Whatever needed doing really. I never considered it unreasonable tbh. I did insist mum had to leave me a list of what needed doing - she couldn't understand why I couldn't "see" it but I just couldn't. I think that's a skill you learn as an adult.

On days when she was also off we could easily spent a whole day sorting out junk or doing a massive spring clean. Those would be negotiated around our respective plans but not doing it at all wouldn't have been an option.

This has all ended up a bit harsh because the resentment has built up and up until you've burst.

Maybe for jobs that need doing today/tomorrow you could give her a list and she can do the things on the list whenever she likes but it needs to be by the end of e.g. Monday or next weekend's plans are cancelled? I think when people are demand avoidant giving them a choice about what they do when can be a good way to get compliance because they feel in control.

It sounds like longer term attitudes need to change and you need to stop providing your teen with cash/lifts/phone contract while she continues to not help out. But best to do that when tempers are less frayed than they are now!

She's now stopped off to her room declaring that's she's done "enough" and DH is home from work now helping with the toddler and housework.

Same shit. Different day.

*stropped

Lol. I am another one who moved to Ireland to escape my mother.

I think you’re getting a ridiculously hard time op, none of what you’ve said sounds unreasonable to me. Although it probably would be good to discuss weekend plans in the future so you can work out a plan between the pair of you and give her a little bit of (perceived) control. Hope you feel better soon and I hope you all enjoy your holiday.

No, they’re children.

Don’t get me wrong, at an appropriate age they can strip their own sheets, tidy up their own mess, hoover their own rooms, clear and wash their own plates/cups etc. The sooner they learn this, the better imo.

But they’re not servants to be ordered about to make my chores easier for me.

Do what I do with DD14 and DD12.

Pocket money is calculated based on chores done with a bonus for positive attitude/ things being done without bei my asked.

Works wonders. They see the rewards of hard work and feel flush when they get a payout.

It means that everything is tickety-boo in our house!

Really not hard to see why there are so many highly strung, fragile, entitled young people these days is it

such indulgent parenting!

they didn’t ask to be born! Wah wah! Well neither did you but presumably you have had to do things you haven’t wanted to do over the years