Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Very possible. My mum didn't teach me fuck all and I left home not even knowing how to turn on the washing machine.

My issue is that you seem resentful of your child. You've said he isn't her dad and you've made it seem like she should be extra grateful to him for doing things a dad would do.
Actually he met you with a kid and he should either take that responsibility on or not be with you. It's not for a 15 year old to be 'grateful'

How many teens turn down a holiday? Maybe she thought she'd be a third wheel. Now you're annoyed because it's cost more money but surely if it's a planned family holiday you should've put aside enough money for her anywhere?

I sympathise with your illness but I think you're holding your daughter accountable for things that have happened as a result of your choices.

Sounds like you're saying: it's her fault he's working extra to pay for her ticket/room so therefore she should pick up the slack. Awful IMO.

You've said it now - harsh or not don't back down otherwise it is just an empty threat.

You can maybe temporarily it by compromising and having her help in the morning then go out with BF in the afternoon.

It's not upto your daughter to clean your house. Very harsh, feel a little bit sorry for your daughter tbh

Fucking hell according to some on here I'm the world's worst parent. I'm currently sat on my arse on MN while DS1 (13) washes the pots, DD (8) picks up the rubbish from tea (we ordered pizza, so she's sorting out what needs throwing away) and DS2 (6) puts the shoes away and takes his washing upstairs to be put away.
We're a family and responsibility for the housework falls on everyone. The reason I'm sat on MN while they run around? Because I'm disabled and in a lot of pain due to taking them out to the cinema today. But you know what, even if I wasn't in pain I'd expect them to pitch in and help out.
OP your DD is far more spoilt than my DC, she has it lucky and you are not at all unreasonable to expect her to help out around the house when you're not feeling well. You wouldn't be unreasonable to expect her to help out even if you were well.

I think you need to sit down with her, when things are a bit calmer, and explain she needs to start helping out.

Doing her own laundry, cleaning the bathroom she uses, helping either with dishes or meal prep.

I have 17, 15, 10 and 8 at home. Adult is out on their own now.

All the kids have chores. The teens are responsible for their own laundry, one bathroom a week, and either the family room or living room a week. One helps me meal prep (or simply makes supper) the other does the dishes (they alternate days). And they alternate taking out the garbage. The younger two also help with the family room, help with their laundry, folding and putting away, and are starting to help in the kitchen (peeling veg, mashing, measuring, stirring, etc).

It was important to us that our kids are capable adults when they move out. Both my dh and I had experiences with being at college with other students being away from home for the first time and completely clueless when it came to taking care of themselves. We also go over budgeting, meal planning (often while looking at the grocery store flyer), how to figure out the best buy, etc. Husband teaches them yard work, how to use tools, and basic vehicle maintenance (checking oil, fluids, air in tires, etc).

Our teens get an allowance, plus earn extra for stuff like if they mow the lawn, and they'll ask if there's anything I need done if they're looking to earn extra money.

Our adult daughter has had the same experience with her roommates, in people in their 20s not knowing how to do laundry, or make food that doesn't come ready to microwave. She's taught people how to cook, food shop, etc.

I meant to say compromise.

I don't think OP mentioned 'childcare' at all, did she?

@MumofTeen22

Out of interest did you start the thread a couple of months ago about the £100 birthday money vs the £250 car seat?

Oh yeah I remember that one. Wouldn't be surprised

Nope, as someone who has the laziest most selfish spoilt demanding almost 18 year old I think you are wise to nip it in the bud now and put rules and discipline in place with her.

Absolutely this.

I'd rather she was out than risk her catching what you have.

@britneyisfree

She said before the holiday was booked that she didnt want to come. She repeated this stance several times thereafter when asked if she was sure. We went ahead and made a plan, drew up a budget, booked it, worked out how much overtime DH would need to do to make the spending money budget do able etc ..... We were on track with it all. Then DD announced a few weeks ago she had changed her mind. So of course we now need to re budget and save harder! It's a whole extra person coming on holiday. Not sure why you think I should have had a "just in case teen changes their mind about holiday contingency fund". Odd.

I'm not saying she should pick up the slack because DH is working harder to make the holiday do able. I'm saying she should, in general, not have such a selfish attitude, and especially because of us working so hard to accommodate her change of heart when we could have said sorry it's all booked now, well, her selfish attitude is harder to accept.

Also - ask yourself why I didn't mention my apparent "resentment" about the holiday issue in my OP, if I'm so "awful"? Surely I'd have laid that one out straight away? I only mentioned it because I'm being repeatedly asked about the need for DH to be away doing overtime so much at the moment.

DH treats her as his own, he always has. He's the one running her around town to see her mates most of the time, not me! You're looking for issues where there aren't any.

I'm sorry for your shitty experiences, but you are projecting. I am not your mother and nothing like her if she was, as you say, a "dick" who taught you nothing.

Erm, no?

@MumofTeen22 Back away from the thread! I think have you’re answer already, some people think you are being too harsh and some people don’t, and some people have completely misunderstood what’s going on altogether. It seems like you feel strongly you were not being too harsh, so I suggest you take on board the advice of posters who most align with your perspective and try to implement that.
At the same time, if your daughter does think you are being too harsh you at least know there are quite a lot of people who would agree with her. They may be wrong people 😂 but it’s some indication that the right and wrong of it isn’t all that clear so go easy on her. Maybe a peace offering, a bit of appreciation and a calm chat about how this sort of thing can be avoided in future and what the best way to ask her to help is could be a way forward?

I really don’t agree with parents expecting their children to “help them out”.

I am all for age appropriate chores, I think they are really important for a child, but I think it’s sad that you demanded your DD come home from a day out with her friends to start loading dishes, hoovering, doing laundry etc.

If your DD was younger, what would you do? You’d just leave the house for an extra day until you felt better.

Children aren’t an extra pair of hands, or some kind of lackey. None of this is your DD’s responsibility. I’m not saying your DD shouldn’t have any responsibility, but it should be appropriate responsibility - she isn’t a stand in for you when you are not feeling great.

@redhoodred1

They have to be classed as an adult at some point 🤷‍♀️

@EarringsandLipstick

Nope never mentioned childcare. More projection and people reading what they want to read (ie fiction)

Okay but you're the one who says your DD does nothing to help. That to me signals you haven't taught her!

Best of lucky to you

OP I can see both sides. She SHOULD be offering to help out, especially when she sees you struggling. I don't expect my 2 teens to do that much regular stuff, except for keeping rooms tidy, not leaving everything at their arse, but that doesn't mean they would ignore the fact I was ill. If I was that ill they would ask what needed done/ look after their little brother without fail. You need to speak to her calmly about pitching in when needed.

On the other hand I don't reckon she should be home all day tomorrow- get her to do the basic things (laundry/ wipe surfaces/ put stuff away/ hoover) and when they're done she can go out.

I don't think you were harsh, but I wonder how she got to be this selfish. Do you think you've indulged her too much in the past ?

Now is the time to change the tide. It’s literally like a toddler: she has learnt that her tantrums let her get away with housework, so she will ramp them up. You need to be clear:

things are going to change around here. You have let her get away with doing nothing and that’s not going to fly anymore; if she wants money she does chores. If wants to see her friends and go out tomorrow she needs to do what you’re asking her tonight. When you’re feeling better you can sit down and hash out a weekly list but now is the time to put your foot down and stop letting her get away with this.

also, although I don’t agree with the suddenness of how this happened, I think 1) now the situation is upon you you can make the best of it by making a greater change re her contribution and 2) some of the posters on here need a shake, given their frankly outrageous comments.

Op I'm sure it's been mentioned before and I've not read the thread but, I think it's best to first let her know that you are struggling!
Say ,I'm struggling would you be able to do X. Give her smaller jobs to do and then lay the ground for next time, i'e please do a wash,hoover and blah.

Not asking or training someone first then suddenly expecting them to realise and help doesn't work.

I feel your pain! I have a teenage daughter the same age. They are self-centred hedonists with little consideration for the people who do everything for them. You were down, ill and feeling overwhelmed. As she's nearly 16 you just wanted some acknowledgement from her of your situation and a tiny bit of support. We are people as well, and as mothers we give a lot. The reason you are on here asking this question is because you feel undervalued and unacknowledged whilst being ill and trying to hold the fort in everyone's lives. You probably question yourself and what you've done. It probably wasn't the best way to interact with your daughter but there was a reason why you did it and the very fact you're asking the question is because you feel bad about the way things have gone. The last thing you need is to have mumsnetters firing accusations at you and making you feel even worse. So sorry to see that has happened. Perhaps you could have a calm chat with your daughter and explain how you feel and how her lack of concern has pushed you to this point. It might be worth a shot. Maybe you could reach a compromise where she helps a bit and has some time with her boyfriend too? Teenage years are very tricky. I felt similar to you when having chemo for stage 4 cancer. Being sick and drained, I was still doing everything for everyone with little in return. Sometimes it's hard being mum 24/7. Best of luck. Thinking of you...

I don't think you're bring unreasonable op, I have a 16yo dd and recently was ill with covid. I'm a single parent and was really ill with it (in bed/on sofa for a week.)

Dd looked after me, helped around the house and did as much as she could to help. She is in the middle of her GCSEs.

That said if she'd made plans with friends I wouldn't expect her to cancel them to look after me. I suppose the difference is her attitude the rest of the time.

I'd stop with the allowance and make it clear she gets that money on the premise that she helps around the house on a daily basis.