Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

Yeah sure!

All part of raising teens. It’s notoriously hard! She’s more than capable though, she’s doesn’t want to do it.

for example here my daughters list of jobs:

load and empty dishwasher
put washing away
make bed
clean room with spray and cloth
hoover her room
tidy toys away in living room
sit and play with her baby brother while I cook tea.
clean sink after she’s brushed her teeth

she’s 7.

@britneyisfree

It's 100% the truth re the holiday.

@MumofTeen22

I think I'd deal with tonight for now. Explain clearly what you need her to do, and that you are not well & need her help. If she does this, let her know it's ok for her to meet her BF tomorrow.

When you're better, you need to sit down & set boundaries & expectations. What she needs to do, how you'll provide pocket money, what extent you are prepared Uk provide lifts etc

It will take a bit of time but it's important to do it.

I think you do also need to try & find a common ground or area to just have a good time together (going for a walk or coffee, watching TV or whatever).

I wanted help with the chores and tackling the shit hole of a house that she also lives in and contributes to the mess within, and does naff all to address it.

Which is fair enough.
But being annoyed that housework and looking after your children falls to you isn’t your DDs fault and you need to try not to blame her for this.

You can’t cancel her plans just to get her to come home and do chores.

You could have told her to put the dishes in the dishwasher before she went out.

I think you definitely need a conversation about how she needs to do things like unloading the dishwasher every night or something simple. Else you’re going to end up snapping again.

@britneyisfree

I think you are projecting now, based on your own shitty experience, from what you've posted so far.

And this thread shows exactly where all the entitled cunts in the world are coming from

100% agree.

Cannot process how a member of the family can swan around as they please, not helping out, spending money, doing whatever she wants, and that's ok??

Because, poor teenage baby needs to see friends, and covid pandemic blah blah, and she's not the child care back up.

No, she isn't, but this isn't all the time every day, is it? One off, helping out family, being kind, showing empathy.

Why is one day so difficult to give back to her mum and help out?

@Onwards22

If I'd been awake I would have told her to do it before she went, but she left before I was awake. I slept in with toddler due to us both feeling shit.

@EarringsandLipstick thanks that's balanced and sensible advice

YANBU to want a little bit of help and consideration when you are unwell but YABU the way you have gone about it. The time has come to sit down with her adult to almost adult and work out how things are going to be going forward. Give her a monthly allowance and decide what you will pay for over and above that. Once it’s gone, it’s gone. Decide what you want her to do around the house and let her know that you won’t be chasing her to do it. She needs to get on with it off her own back. She’s 15, not 5. If she strops while doing it, that’s ok. Just ignore it. If she doesn’t do it she doesn’t get her allowance. Tell her you will use it to pay for a cleaner.

My 15 year old is a boy and I do cut him a bit of slack as he was just beginning to go out and about with his friends when lockdown started and because his dad is vulnerable, has spent the last two years fairly restricted. I’m happy for him to spread his wings now. He knows what he has to do for his allowance and generally does it with good grace. Hopefully if you have an adult chat with her you can come up with something that is mutually acceptable.

I didn't originally mention the holiday because it's not relevant to the main issue which is that she does nothing to help out.

But I've been repeatedly asked about my DH's absence due to working overtime shifts so I feel it's an important clarification.

He doesn't work 7 days as a rule, of course he doesn't. But having to increase the holiday budget to accommodate dd's last minute change of heart means he is. And he's fine with it - he's willing to do it. But to still not get anything back from DD by way of help at home when we've bent over backwards yet again for her .... it's just too much now.

No, you weren't being too harsh. You might need to be clearer in articulating what you want her to do every day.

Lol, I can't believe so many people are saying you're unreasonable. You're unwell. You feel wretched. She's 15, not 5. Of course she should help out. God, you can join the army at 16, move out, etc. But you need to communicate properly with her. Sit down with her and tell her how unwell you feel and that you're struggling. Say you need her help! Ask her what tasks she feels she'd be best doing. Go from there. And yes she should be tidying up etc for the pocket money.

Does seem a little harsh to make her cancel her weekend plans. By all means get her to do odd tasks around the house but the house isn't going to fall down if housework is behind by a week.

Haven’t RTFT but it’s absolutely nothing to do with your daughter that the hoovering needs doing. If you want it doing you need to do it, but it’s not going to kill anyone if the house isn’t hoovered for a few more days. I think it sounds like you were really harsh and I feel sorry for your daughter, no wonder she wants to be out the house. Also I wouldn’t have been keen to be close to my Mum and a toddler with a sick bug - I wouldn’t want to catch it!

Op you realise where you went wrong here don't you @MumofTeen22 you openly admitted to being part of a step/blended family.
MNetters hate a step/blended family, you should die old alone and never date any man either or your a awful mum. Defo don't have another baby with someone or you really be be crucified.

Christ. The girl is 15/16 should be able to clean up after self and not expect the live in maid to do it. Fml I despair no wonder people are so entitled these days.

Don't give her any more money/ lifts ect until she does some housework as she lives and messes up the house too. We aren't talking turn her into cinders but Christ just a semi decent human being.

Sorry, hadn't read all 5 pages (not feeling so well myself) but basically in agreement with what a lot of the later posters are posting.

YANBU to expect some help round the house.

YABU for expecting her to step in and look after a toddler. You sound like you were quite sharp with her. She has actually done what you said & come home.

It's not her responsibility to step in as childcare. What about grandparents?

And to those who think or have insinuated that I'm a shit mum who "doesn't love" my daughter and that she's going to leave home asap because I'm "vile" etc... if that's the case, if I was so awful, a) why has she changed her mind and wants to come away with us all for a week, and b) why didn't I say "nope, too late, you had your chance". Instead I'm working with DH to try and accommodate what she wants, as all of us would prefer a holiday together as a family and tbh I was a bit gutted when she said she didn't want to come at first (presumably to see her boyfriend more). Anyway .... my point is, a shitty mother wouldn't do that. I want her on holiday with us, I'm happy she's coming. But she could at least give a small bit of anything back, here.

Is this a non shedding teen then how doesn’t contribute at all to any hair, dead skin, dirt from shoes etc that needs hoovering? How is it nothing to do with her?

Absolutely!!
All those folk saying she's still a child and you can't expect any help off a teenager?!
What's that about?

You are a family and family help each other and pull their weight when they are able.
You are unwell, your more than capable teen can stay home and help out.
No issues. I wouldn't have dreamt of treating my mum like that when I was a teen and I also had a job.

We aren't talking turn her into cinders but Christ just a semi decent human being.

😆

YABU for expecting her to step in and look after a toddler.

Oh for the love of all that is holy.

Again - I did not ask her to look after the toddler!!

I don't think you are being unreasonable or overly harsh. I drop everything for the children when they need help and now mine are teens I expect them to help out when I need it. They have regular chores but if I am ill or really busy with work or whatever they know they are expected to step it up a notch with help at home. That's what family does, you help out when each other needs it. It isn't very often that I need an extra hand and they have loads of free time to do what they like.

I don't accept that being a teenager automatically gets you out of these things.

I think this is really harsh. It's fair enough to give a teenager jobs to teach them responsibility but the smooth running of the house is not actually their responsibility and they shouldn't have to shoulder the pressure because you are unwell and have fallen behind. That's too much. It's also really unfair if you usually let her get away with not doing anything to come down on her like a tonne of bricks. Just because you have a much younger child doesn't mean that she isn't also a child, I think your expectations of her are too much considering her age.