Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I am sorry for some of the ridiculous replies you have had on here @MumofTeen22

You sound as if you have been really poorly and I hope you feel better soon. And it does sound rather like an accumulation of things has made you lose it.

Doesn't make you a bad person or mother it makes you human.

I have three of the darlings and we are a family. Thus we all pull together for the greater good. All of them need reminding or asking and I just ignore both slowness and eye rolls (and sit on my hands if need be)

I would also agree that it is a good thing she came in relatively sharpish so she obviously thinks you are a person who means what they say- I can't say all of mine would have.

I wouldn't be cooking her alone tea. Why would you? And I would be frosty and let her come to you..... then just reset the boundaries. And mean it.

Ok, she’s a child 😴 , because we all biologically mature at exactly the same rate, on exactly the same day, and the legal definition of a child is totally objective.
And since we’re screenshooting as you stated ^^^
Anyway, I’m out now. 👋

No OP no! You laid down the law now you follow it through. Give her a list of things you want doing, and if she carries on huffing and puffing quietly tell her you’re disappointed with her attitude.

I might not have agreed with your approach initially but you’ve got her there - make her do stuff!

You haven’t been mean at all- at this age they should be pulling their weight around the house regardless- why do people expect to do everything for their kids and send them off into the world unable to look after themselves and others?? Maybe it’s a cultural thing? I don’t know… but I expect a child this age to be doing hoovering weekly, their own washing, ironing, and shopping for and cooking a family meal at least once a week… have two late teens and they have been doing this since they started secondary school. Not negotiable for us as a working family to do otherwise. And they don’t get paid to do it, it’s part of teaching them how to crack on with life.

And this thread shows exactly where all the entitled cunts in the world are coming from 🙄 YANBU OP a bit of housework and cleaning up after oneself never hurt anyone. Definitely time to implement chores linked to pocket money and lifts!

All young people are children.

Not all children are young people.

HTH

This OP. You were way too harsh. (A) it's not her responsibility to look after you and (B) she didn't know you needed help and made plans, there's nothing wrong with that! You owe her an apology

How did she get an overdraft at 15? I thought banks didn't allow kids accounts to go overdrawn, well that's what I've been told by more than one of the big banks when opening accounts for GC. I had to make sure as parents wouldn't be happy with me if it happened.

I agree that, in general, he should be contributing around the house, e.g. with washing up and ironing her own clothes. But so far as the current situation is concerned, would it really hurt for the housework to be left another day?

From this one example I wouldn't say you're being massively unreasonable but a tad. The bigger picture being considered though no I don't think you are being unreasonable. She is normally unhelpful and lazy. So don't stress about it. Its not going to damage her having to spend sometime helping her mum at home. Its called being part of a family and growing up....

You are ill so your DH should help when he’s home (my DH works 13 hour shifts and with commute it’s a 14 hour day- if I’m ill, he’ll still come home and help) as he’s your partner and the parent.

If I was you I’d give her specific jobs in advance for pocket money and if she does them she gets paid but if she doesn’t she won’t get lifts, or the pocket money, that way there’s consequences but she also has specific jobs around the house to help with.

I don’t think it’s fair to rely on your children for help IMO, especially when you’re taking part of her weekend away to do so, I do however think it’s fair to give her the option to learn tasks and make money and get lifts by helping around the house but let it be her choice. I understand 15 is capable enough to help but it’s also really important she has balance in her life and not at home looking after her siblings and doing housework. Give her a break and cut her some slack, she’s young and that level of freedom won’t last forever.

Hope you’re feeling better soon!

If you can't afford for your DP to cancel the overtime, perhaps stop giving her money for holidays, trips and whatever else you've stated.

She needs to earn her keep. She's not going to do that all of a sudden because you're ill.

She's being lazy, she needs to earn her bit and get a job when she's 16.

But it money is as tight as it seems and your DP needs to do back to back relentless shifts, STOP funding your daughter. For a start.

You did not quote the law here, you made an objective statement and referenced biological maturity which is exactly what I was referencing when I said we reach this at different times. So please, don’t backtrack because of statements you made that followed.

And calling me a plank and stupid, really? Coming from a woman who uses words like ‘obtuse’ and ‘hyperbole’ in a desperate attempt to sound intelligent.

👋🏻

Bring a child does NOT mean you have no responsibilities at all!? What being a child means is that you don’t have the same level of responsibilities of an adult.
It’s not 17 no responsibilities, 18 All the responsibilities. Of course a 16 year old has some but just not the same as an adult because guess what- they are still a child.
In answer to your previous post.
Yes they can get married but only with parental permission, because they are a child.
They cannot go abroad on holiday without an adult present in the group because they are a child.
If arrested they need to have a legal guardian present because they are a child.
The can start to learn to drive but with a fully qualified adult present because they are a child.
They cannot be served alcohol because they are a child.
And plenty more.

Nah, sorry but at 15 she should be pulling her weight. Everyone in here saying you shouldn’t expect help is exactly why we’re raising a generation who haven’t a clue how to mop and we make icons out of folk like Mrs Hinch because she cleans!

I don’t think she should be expected to spend a full day cleaning but she should have some tasks she completes during the week.

Everyone in a home should pull their weight

When it gets like this with my dd, I text her. Your dd knows you have x y and z expectations. She’ll either have to do it tonight or get up early tomorrow. Her choice when she does it. But she won’t be going out until it’s done. And mean if. Leave. The. Mess.

What are you wanting her to do you say chores but not chores for a teen should take a full day she should have at least 1 to 2 chores to do a day ie unloads dishwasher puts washing on, hoovers living room clean and tidies own room and she should be leaving the bathroom clean after herself, even my 9 year old does jobs for pocket money he cleans the bath and sink out and does his room

So I didn’t quote any laws at all.
I quoted what something was by definition in legal terms.

And not in that post, no, but further down.
Go back and read it.

And yes, if you are going to have an argument and continue on and on and on despite, not having read the posts, that does make you a little bit stupid.

Sorry you find the legitimate use of recognised words bothersome
(hyperbole and obtuse; both words
you would know from KS3/4 - but yet you think that’s someone trying to sound smart 🤔).

Not my problem really though is it if you vocabulary is poor.

YABU, you said yourself you didn’t ask in advance what her plans were for Sunday, so that’s on you. Plus she’s a teenager, fair enough expect her to do jobs in the house but not to babysit. You chose to have another child, she didn’t.

Let her stomp OP, as long as she’s doing the chores. I still stomp around angrily doing chores I don’t want to do and I’m 28 😅

Sorry I think you are harsh and expecting too much. Presumably she's at school all week and wants to see friends etc at the weekend.? It's honestly not her fault that your dh is at work the whole weekend - he should be taking time off and helping out to give you a break surely. Not good for him to be working seven days a week either, when does he gets a break ? I agree teens should help out but not have to say in all day.

We've now got tears. Ffs. Why is everything so dramatic with teens?! She has a way of making it feel like it's all my fault, too. So now I feel guilty again.

With regard to DH and overtime - he's cramming the hours in at the min for holiday savings. We have just booked a family holiday. It's costing us more than we thought because originally when we booked it, teen DD had been adamant for months - "I don't want to come, I'll stay at my dads". Are you sure? "Definitely, don't want to go". Right, fine. A couple weeks ago ... guess what? She changed her mind. Now she wants to come. So we are having to pay extra for another room and flight, and save extra for holiday spending money, to accommodate her last minute change of heart. That's why he's doing so much overtime.

No! Stop it! She thinks making the effort to come back is enough and if she has enough attitude now you’ll tell her to forget it

Hold firm OP.
You can be firm, and kind and model the behaviours you want to see from her.

I remember being 15 and dealing with my mum too…