Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

I bet honk the mistake you made is one that I have made on the past. That is, continuing to do everything until something tips you over the edge. If you’d set her some basic chores along the way it would be normal for her to help out. Then when you were Iill you could have asked her to do some specific extra things.
The fact that she’s in her way and has texted sorry shows she’s got a good heart in there. Hope you feel better soon.

*I think the

I don’t understand why she doesn’t have chores. I have two teen DDs and that’s how they earn their pocket money. No chores. No money. At fifteen I think I’d be insisting on some regular input. I don’t think a whole day of help around the house is reasonable for a teenager though…

Now now 1red

You are being deliberately obtuse and conflating postsz

You are also creating a bit of a strawman here too.

The DD in here hasn’t been expected to do these things, there hasn’t previously been punishment if she doesn’t, and so she doesn’t.

What has her being an adult in your view (or not) got to do with not doing something she’s never had any repercussions for not doing before.

And LOL to your very mature swearing? Are you perhaps not an adult either since you’re getting so worked up about this.
😂

EXACTLY!!’ This is totally subjective and again you are talking about socialisation. Socialisation differs depending on where in the world you are born.

The law is a mass of contradictions, because by that definition a ‘child’ can get married, vote for the next Boris Johnson, smoke, drink, go clubbing, have sex, raise a child, drive, have I missed anything?

And we are talking about her biological capabilities, the capabilities that enable her to put fairy on a sponge and clean a dish. Referring to her as a child in that context is absolutely insane to me.

Again, that definition is subjected, there is no objective definition for a child that applies to each and every one of us. We all mature at different rates/ages, just like we all hit puberty at different ages. Quality Socialisation helps the process along.

Telling a 16 year old they are a child is enabling and encouraging a lack of personal responsibility.

Just like telling men that ‘boys will be boys.’

Biology is not an excuse, on that basis, all kinds of horrific things should be legal.

I am not listening to someone telling that a teenager with a boyfriend is a child.

A young person yes, not a child.

It's not your daughters job to run the house, what would you do if you were single? What is your husband doing to help?

But it’s not developed enough to be referred to as an adult and therefore in the UK we call a 15 year old a child. And older child, but still a child

Exactly. This was the point of this information, not the willingness or not to load a dishwasher.

This poster is losing track of their (non)reasoning.

The house work can wait til you feel better if no one else is prepared to do it.

YABU for expecting good advice on a Saturday. IME it's when the "cool wives" (who are obviously also cool mums) come out in force.

Apparently your daughter should be waited on hand and foot until midnight on her 18th birthday then she should suddenly pay the going market rate in rent plus bills and have a part time job, drive a car (that she bought with her part time job she's paying rent from) and heaven help her if she goes to uni and does a degree with clinical hours because if she drops that part time job she'll be on whatever the new equivalent of Jeremy Kyle is by her 21st birthday.

Because some people on here pretend to struggle to read, I'm going to make it clear that paragraph was sarcasm.

But in all honesty I thought the wording of your message to her was exactly on the mark, authoritative without being rude or harsh, and it got the result you wanted, so 10/10 and I hope you feel better soon.

Where do you draw the line with this narrative?

All of a sudden at 18, you expect someone with no level of personal responsibility because they were a ‘child’ 24 hours earlier to all of a sudden know how to be an adult? Wtf

I had a similar argument with my mum at a similar age.

Yanbu to want some help. She should be doing some chores but the fact that she doesn't do chores under your roof is because of how you parent her. Kids cope fine with different expectations at each parents house. Mine do nothing at their dad's but do some chores at my house.

When I had my argument with my mum it didn't go well because it seemed to come out of nowhere. She hit the roof rather than list what would be helpful calmly on a day to day basis. Chores suck but are a necessary part of getting older. If she wants to be treated like an adult then she needs to reciprocate with adult responsibilities like chores.

Jesus Christ red give it a rest.

Go back and read your posts and then others by way of response.

You incorrectly referred to the DD as not being a child, and the conversation spiralled from there.

Pick a theme and stick to it, you are conflating various streams of thought and making yourself look a little confused.

Nobody has said a child cant be told to load a dishwasher with clear expectations set.

Nobody has said this

I think that's unfair to be honest. Your husband should be helping you if you need help, not your child - she didn't choose to have a sibling.

NO.

What…are…you…on…about?

Where have I said that?

Exaclty!!! Midnight on the 18th birthday every single teen on the planet goes from being a child to a fully fledged adult.

@MumofTeen22 sounds like you’ve had a hell of a week! Hope you and your littlest one feel better soon!

fwiw my mother thought I was a useless teen, probably was in fairness. One thing I remember feeling was that I was never good enough, like I could never do enough when I did try to help a little. I also felt like she didn’t really like me all that much. Probably because of that I just didn’t bother trying anything, it wasn’t rewarding at all. Once I got into a routine where I actually learned the skills of cleaning (via a job I got in late teens) I got pretty good at it. Anyone I cleaned or cooked for after I left home was always really appreciative so I quite liked doing it. Could a similar thing be going on for your daughter? Maybe giving praise and being grateful, even when when what she’s done is far from impressive, could be the way to go?

You said a child is a child until their 18th birthday

What is she expected to do? She is only 15! I think keeping my room clean was my only responsibility at that age. It's not her fault you have a toddler and are slightly sick. Why don't you hire a cleaner or babysitter? Why taking your frustrations out on your child? Weird!!

I have clearly, repeatedly explained this concept of immaturity, versus legal definitions.

If you don’t get that nor what I have clearly said, that’s on you.

You were right and that is proven by the fact she is in her way home and apologised. She should be helping. I would have fine the same.

So what are the crucial urgent jobs that necessitate her missing a date with her BF tomorrow?

as per my pp,
YABU in peevishly and unexpectedly dumping a load of responsibility onto your DD without having previously set this expectation.
YABU to have allowed your DD to previously dodge helping out.
YABU to have failed to set proper boundaries so that your DD thinks she is owed cash, clothes, lifts, mobile phone without helping out.

But of course YANBU to expect her to start learning what chores she needs to take on and how to do them.

Expecting her to cancel her plans is extremely harsh and unnecessary. As an adult I would be pissed if someone expected me to just cancel my plans last minute so why should a teenager be expected to just suck that up???
it’s okay to ask her to help out, but I would ask her to do that around her existing plans not cancel stuff to do it.
ultimately she’s a child and it’s not her responsibility. Asking her to stay home just to clean or something is absolutely ridiculous. Surely if you just said, I’ve been feeling really ill so after you come in could you help out with xyz then that’s fair enough and she should be alright with that.

Legally, you plank.

I clearly said they legally turn an adult when they reach 18, which has nothing to do with biology or behaviour.

For the love of god.

You must be trolling me - nobody is this stupid when it has been written down and explained clearly multiple times, by multiple posters.

This line of thought is so odd to me.

It's about being part of a family. I expect all my DC to help, it's their home too, and I expect them to help each other out as necessary.

Legally in the UK (not the planet (another thing nobody has actually said)) - they do.