Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

We’re talking about doing some chores for fuck sake and you’re talking about the pre frontal cortex? Yes I know where that is thanks, and I know that at 16, it’s developed enough to put some dishes in a dishwasher and to know dirty clothes need to do in the washing machine 😕

I think you’ve just snapped OP. You have had a week of it and this is probably just the straw that has broken the camels back and DD has had the brunt of it.
Dont feel bad, might be a wake up call that she needs to do more. I think making her do some things tonight to help and then letting her out tomorrow is fair.
Going forward make a plan that she had to stick to with regular chores. She won’t like it but be consistent and firm and give consequences if she doesn’t do them.
She should be pitching in at home as everyone who lives there needs to contribute something esp when older.

You haven’t answered my question though, what exactly happens on your 18th birthday that changes all of this?

You know what OP. I think people are being well harsh on here to you. Why are women on MN beating you down so hard.
I want to come round and do the housework for you, and have some words with your daughter about being a bit more helpful around the house.

Christ, you'd think you had killed a kitten from the shit you are getting.

Here you go red.
I mean since we’re looking up definitions now.

I think it's reasonable to expect a 15 year old to do some jobs around the house as a regular thing, but as for suddenly picking up the slack when you're ill, I don't know. Maybe she had made plans so she was out of the house and away from the bug she might catch. I can remember being a terrible teenager- my mum had to point out how selfish I was being sometimes- I'd then explode and react badly, but have a cry and a think about it after. It's part of learning to become an adult. She needs to realise that helping out when someone is I'll is the kind thing to do.

Not at all. If she'd been more helpful during the week this wouldn't be happening. This is what happens when you're incredibly lazy like her. Stick to your guns. It's a lesson learnt.

But it’s not developed enough to be referred to as an adult and therefore in the UK we call a 15 year old a child. And older child, but still a child.
I wasn’t referring to a dishwasher. My answer was in reply to your ignorance.

I agree with you. I wasn’t expected to do anything and was taught nothing. My mother thought she was doing me a favour. But in fact it meant I didn’t have a clue how to cook or use a washing machine etc so university was a shock. As for picking it up quickly, yes, I did. That didn’t stop me from suffering a lot of anxiety the first time I needed to wash my clothes.

I have answered it repeatedly, but I’ll be more clear

Turning 18 means you are now legally an adult.

That’s it.

Nothing to do with Biology or behaviour. Rather societal expectations.

Yeah... tbh I expected some harsh replies but some of it has been beyond even what I expected. 🤣

I definitely don't kill kittens. I love them. 😁

I think anyone running around acting as a servant to their teenagers needs their heads examined. What use are these princes and princesses going to be when they share flats etc? Let alone to you if you need a bit of help in your later years.

Agree or disagree, I was given age-appropriate tasks from 3 up. Running errands, picking fruit, beans etc, shelling peas, minding younger children. By 7 I was standing on a crate doing the washing up, laying tables etc. Rapidly followed by hoovering, bathroom cleaning and raking and wheelbarrowing in the garden.

All of this and still expected to be top of the class at school! No excuses.....

Also I hope you feel better soon- sounds like it's been awful

She's now back to stomping round whilst putting some of her OWN clean clothes away that I washed for her, whilst I cook her some tea.

I'm just disengaging from the stroppy attitude at this point as I'm so far over it I can't even find the words. 😕

Yes - all I can say is that there are going to be a lot of teenagers getting an unpleasant shock when they leave home and suddenly have to start doing housework!

YABU I would help out with a vomiting toddler

OP there are some very harsh people on here today. I don't think you've been unreasonable. I hope you and your toddler feel better soon

Phone payments and usage are a very useful currency when you need them to be.

Why should you pay for something if she can’t do basic stuff to contribute to family life?

Have you considered saying that to her?

Eh? Why are you needing to make breakfast for your (vomiting) toddler at 5 o’clock in the evening? Or are you expecting your teenage DD to get up at 6 tomorrow to make toddler breakfast? And if so, why does she then need to cancel her date with her BF?

YABU. You’ve taught your DD that’s it’s okay to just dodge responsibilities. And now you’re expecting her to suddenly transform into a child (yes, a child) who independently notices chores need doing, who takes responsibility for doing them, and who is able to manage her commitments and social life. You’ve not taught her any of the skills to do this!

you need to apologise for losing your rag. And (when you are better) you need to start teaching her.

Absolutely. Teens are selfish, she needed a fright. Don't feel too bad about it. Hope you feel better soon x

What wet parents some of you seem to be! I do hope the OP will cut off all forms of money and lifts etc to the spoilt brat, at almost 16 she shouldn't need telling to help or asking for help when her mother is ill.

@MumofTeen22 why didn't you already know she had plans for Sunday? Did she not ask if it was ok to go out with her bf?
is she allowed to just come & go as she pleases?

I can't believe that at 15 she appears to have had an empathy bypass? Her Mum & baby sister are ill & she doesn't ask how she can help? I'd be very disappointed & upset.

I didn't ask to be born so who is coming to my housework & laundry??

I don't expect them to do loads around the house, but I do expect consideration & empathy. & willing help when necessary.

YABU. She's a child, you are the adult. You need to look after your toddler not a 15yo. Very harsh to ruin her plans because you are in a bad mood. If she's lazy and does nothing then that's down to your parenting and low expectations.

@AintNoPartyLikeANumber10Party

I was making breakfast in the morning obviously. After toddler was over the worst of the vomiting and just at the moment I was coming down with it! Hence I had to hold onto something to steady myself as I almost fainted. I was asked what jobs I was doing that I had to keep going whilst feeling so bad - that's what my answer refers to

Why did you wash her clothes for her? She can do that much herself, especially if you're ill.