Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

In Whay world, does every single person reach maturity overnight on their 18th birthday???
Nothing biological is exactly the same in all of us.

Maybe today's ultimatum wasn't your finest hour, but it certainly won't do her any harm to learn that you're not the pushover she thought you were and she's gone too far. Don't feel guilty.
I can't believe some of the comments on here, either. In fact, I suspect some are not from mothers at all.

Of course children should be helping around the house. It's never too early to learn that the house-elf doesn't exist.

Going forward, I'd sit down with her and establish the ground rules. She'll be off to university, or to make her own home in a few years time. Part of a parent's job is to make sure they're well prepared to fend for themselves, and that includes housework and cooking.

Where did I say I wanted help with "other kids". I only have one. And I didn't want help with her. I wanted help with the chores and tackling the shit hole of a house that she also lives in and contributes to the mess within, and does naff all to address it.

It is a massively understudies area and as I said up thread, brains of young people
up until about age 22 are far more similar to much younger humans, than adults.

Pre-frontal cortex development, being a major part of that.

I suppose she will never do the chores if she getting money whenever she asks and a phone paid for. Obviously, phone contracts can't usually be cancelled on the spot but can you tell her you're withdrawing the cash handouts, if she doesn't do some basic jobs

my tuppence lost in this sea of replies is...

It's not fair to ask her to totally drop her long established plans. That's the only kind of wrong thing I see in the story, she had big long-shared plans OP was insisting she drop completely. We parents wouldn't want to forget our long-established plans completely if roles were reversed.

The rest is gray zones.

It’s written there right in front of you. Read it again.

100% incorrect. It absolutely is based on brain biology so you are incredibly mis informed. I really hope you don’t currently have a teen or son / daughter older than teen because you seem to have no understanding at all going from your posts.

They don’t.
18 is still very young, immature and selfish, although now legally an adult.

Agreed with this completely.

I hope you actually asked her to help out instead of just expecting it, and then moaning because she hasn't done something. She's not psychic.

I think some of the babying of children which is so prevalent on Mumsnet doesn't help. From a very young age they should do what they can - put their toys away, clear the table, pack their own bag, look after siblings etc.

The people who've had these responsibilities tend to have a more mature understanding of life even when they're 15. They understand the value of money and time. Although there are plenty of parents who'll still moan because something hasn't been done.

I think you were harsh to put a stop to her plans because you've decided you need her help with housework was harsh. The housework will get done. And if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world.

You should have asked for her help on Sunday. And asked if she was free.

It's awful being ill but it happens.

It has everything to do with it, because you’re arguing that biology entitles people to essentially get away with a lot.

Stop stressing about the housework. It'll get done when you're better!

She sounds like a pretty good daughter to be fair OP - you told her she needed to come home and help and she has - plenty wouldn't have and would have gone tomorrow as well anyway! Please make sure you thank her genuinely for helping out, it will really discourage her from helping again if you are not in the least bit grateful.

You being ill is not really her responsibility though - it's your DH's and if you need help with your (and his) child then he needs to say he can't do the over time.
If you haven't raised her to have jobs around the house then it is not reasonable to suddenly demand she stop going out and do your jobs for you because you're ill. Honestly the hoovering doesn't have to be done every day or even every few, nothing will happen if you don't do it, same with the bathroom, stick a bit of loo cleaner down the loo if you must and don't worry about it.

What you need is to start introducing a few things slowly - does she make her own breakfast? packed lunch? start there if not, then loading the dishwasher after dinner, slowly introduce things and let her get used to doing one thing before you start her on the next.

Oh and make sure you let her go tomorrow, keep your bloody husband home if you can't manage.

Setting chores for a teenager is fair enough, but suddenly demanding it when it isn’t usually her responsibility is completely different so of course she’s going to drag her feet about it.

YABU forcing her to come home to clean with absolutely no warning. Imagine if you were on a night out with friends and your DH or Boss phoned you and demanded that you come home right now to clean the house or come into work on your day off?

I know she’s only out with friends but it’s the expecting her to just drop all her plans at a moments notice that’s the unreasonable part. It was your mistake to not check if she was free on Sunday, so it’s good of her to have rushed back so quickly. If I were you I’d apologise for snapping, thank her for helping and offer some kind of treat/reward for doing so.

GMC website, she is not a child she is a young person.

I have only read half the replies, am the mum of a similar age girl and I can’t see what else you could have done!
no idea why everyone is being so harsh. My kids don’t do a huge amount but I expect them to help when needed.
I can’t imagine the horror of having to look after a sick toddler while being sick yourself and total understand why you got cross that your daughter was not helping.
sounds like you got the point across and she will help with what’s most needed.
Hopefully also taught her a good lesson to ask for help when you really need it.
hope you feel better soon.

I think personally I'd have told her I don't mind her being out both days but at some point I'd need her help around the house- this evening when she gets home, tomorrow morning before she leaves. If you'd told her you needed her help and then she had arranged to see her boyfriend, that would be different, but the plans were made beforehand.

I do understand why you snapped though and don't blame you, you've clearly had a tough week, being unable to rest when you're poorly is awful.

Totally agree YANBU.
You should not have had tp ask. she isn't blind and she has seen how unwell you are. Family should be priority over fun with mates.

Why are you cleaning with a sickness bug? That's gross. Good way to spread it around!

Haha, the desperation to have a go at the OP in that post is hilarious. That's really, really reaching.

I haven’t once argued that at all, no.
You need to avail yourself of a basic education in this area
1redhood.

As I said, Sarah Jayne Blakemore, precipitated UCL and now at Cambridge, is an expert in this area.

Do you know what a pre-frontal Cortex is, and what or does in the body?

Do you know the difference between one found in a child vs teenagers via an older adult?

If not, I think you would find it Interesting to learn and for the sake of any teenagers you may have now or in the future. I recommend you do.

Apols for my typos.
Am on my phone and typing fast.

I dont think its her 'job' to pick up the ball you've dropped due to being ill.

You didnt give her a lift, dont give her money to waste on unnessacery things if you dont want too but running the house and looking after the little kids is your job really.

Shes likely to flee the nest soon if you're like this, sounds like shes already planning to jump out soon with plans of getting her own monet etc...

Yeah YABU.

She needs to be pulling her weight on a daily basis at her age with x amount of chores a day or clear expectations set out with consequences if they aren’t met.

If this isn’t the case then that is down to your handling of the situation and not being consistent and I think you’ve been really unfair to come down so hard because you’re having a shit week when that really isn’t her problem (as crappy as that sounds)

Give over redhood.

She is a child, that’s to do with language used when dealing with them directly.

Why are you arguing in an area of complete ignorance?