Was I too harsh on teen daughter?

[MumofTeen22]

NC for this.

Backstory: teen DD (15) - a few months off turning 16 - is really, really lazy. I have to beg and bribe and nag to get her to help with the smallest of tasks at home. It's draining. All she wants to do it be out with her mates and asks for cash and lifts everywhere etc.

This whole week I've been off work sick with an awful tummy bug / virus. It's absolutely wiped me and youngest DC out (toddler who I am home looking after whilst trying to keep on top of household tasks etc). DH has been working long hours all week. I've had to hold onto kitchen counters at points to steady myself and try not to pass out whilst trying to get jobs done and look after my youngest, I've felt so ill with this bug. But I've had no choice but to keep going.

Teen DD has not offered much by the way of help despite seeing how unwell me and her younger sibling are. At a couple of points I begged her to help as I was really struggling and she did so, but very reluctantly.

Yesterday she announced "I'm out with my mates tomorrow, I'll get the bus to meet them" (bus to the nearest major city from where we live). I said that was fine so long as she didn't rely on lifts from me as I'm not well enough. She said nothing about Sunday and to be honest I was distracted with bathing the youngest so didn't ask what her plans were on Sunday.

So she went off out this morning before youngest DC and I got up. DH at work doing overtime as we need to money. So as per usual I'm just getting on with it all - housework and looking after youngest etc. But still struggling as not feeling great.

Teen messages me about holiday clothes purchases so I reply. I then say "by the way please don't make any plans for tomorrow as I'm going to need your help at home, I'm really behind with the housework this week as I've been ill and DH working again". She texts back: "I've got plans tomorrow with my boyfriend, it's been arranged for ages". I replied: "well you're not going, I need your help".

She then called me saying how it wasn't fair, this has been planned for ages etc. i just snapped at this point - probably a combination of feeling so rough and her selfish lazy attitude all the time. I would never have agreed to todays outing if I'd known she had plans Sunday - I'd have made it clear she needed to be around on at least one of the days to help out.

I said to her "Listen to me - you either get yourself home before 5pm today (this was at 2.50pm) and pull your weight and do some jobs, or you can forget about going out tomorrow and help me then instead. You've got just over 2 hours to get here. Your choice. But don't think I'm going to change my mind - one minute past 5 and you're not going. I'm serious."

Then i hung up.

By the way 2 hours is plenty of time on public transport to get home if she had started to make her way home straight away or within the next 10 mins.

So AIBU to have given her this ultimatum of making a choice: she either loses her day out tomorrow and helps out at home, or gets herself home at a reasonable time today and helps out, and keeps her outing tomorrow?

She's since messaged to say she's on route and it will be "just past 5" when she's home, followed by a "sorry".

Was I harsh??

No she is a teenager, not a child.

Late to the post but YANBU she needs to help out. You are clearly unwell and struggling . You gave her a choice, hope she came home and helped you

I think the discussion around her being out over the weekend wasn't ideal because it seems arbitrary. If you needed her to be available for a certain period of time to do a task that genuinely needed to be done on a schedule - that's reasonable but give her as much notice as possible. If it's chores that she could do sometime over the weekend, I'd clearly tell her what needs done but let her work out how to fit them in. (Of course, with consequences if they aren't done).

Part of the issue is (your perception) that she rarely helps, never offers, and complains when she does - but if she's not normally expected to contribute in specific ways, the sudden (to her) insistance that she be available may seem unfair. Once you're well, I'd consider giving her some more regular tasks around the house - do this together with your husband and any other household members old enough to pitch in. Acknowledge that you do know she's busy with school and and other things and does need time out with her friends and boyfriend just as you and your husband have various responsibilities outside the house. You might not always get it right and if someone has too much (or not enough) they can speak up and you can try to reshuffle. Also reinforce expectations that people in the household may need to help a little extra when someone's unwell or very busy but listen to her about this too - she may truly not have got the message about how sick you felt and what kind of "extra" help you needed.

Of course she understands how to do the dishes.

A 10 year old would understand that too.

Is this hypothetical 10 year old not a child either, using your criteria?

A tween is a child
A teenager is a child.
A toddler is a child.
An infant is a child.

HTH.

15 is a child. Physically, emotionally, legally a child.

Hahahah

fuck Feminism then, ‘boys will be boys’ because apparently biology is the only thing that matters here.

Oh, and let’s allow our toddlers to run around naked snatching toys and going to bed at 2am because it’s ‘what they do.’

What happened to age appropriate socialisation and teaching good morals and values?

I.think you sound absolutely horrible OP

It always amazes me that adults post this. It sounds so childish.

Actually, being a ‘child’ is subjective and differs from country to country.
She has reached puberty and is likely out of it so biologically she isn’t a child, socially she is.
Had she been born elsewhere she may not be culturally considered a child.

A teenager isn’t a legal definition.
You are either a child or an adult. There is nothing else.
If you have actually had a teenager you will realise that it’s very much in many cases of a child in an adults body. Parts of the brain have not fully developed and the way the teenage brain works is different from an adults brain. Absolute fact. Risk evaluation, decision making and good judgement is different at a biology level to that of an adult.
www.stanfordchildrens.org/en/topic/default?id=understanding-the-teen-brain-1-3051
Teens are children until they reach 18 and there is a very good reason for that.

You can’t say she is A child. She is a child by UK law but that isn’t objective nor is it based on biology.

Upubwere harsh she is your daughter not partner and shouldn’t really be expected to give up her plans to help you with your other kids.

fuck Feminism then, ‘boys will be boys’ because apparently biology is the only thing that matters here

what are you on about?

what is clearly stating that a teenagers is a child (as a player has said above, legally, socially, biologically etc) got to do with feminism or boys’ behaviour?m

What happened to age appropriate socialisation and teaching good morals and values?

Agree. And the OP freely admits to not having laid an my expectations of her, so you’ve answered your own question (I think ).

It's not fair of her to pick up the slack that your partner should be doing. It's not her responsibility if you have another child.
But!!!
She should have helped out and been more considerate when she saw you were clearly ill. And that's whats pissed you off, quite rightly.
I think you should let her have her day with her boyfriend (stepdad who has offered to pick her up is great,btw) but sit her down and tell her she needs to pull her weight by doing some jobs round the house, unloading dishwasher , washing her clothes, whatever you think really and consider other people's feelings more. I hope you are feeling better soon OP.

Have read TFT and just want to say I’m Team OP too.

Good Lord, by some standards here it seems that encouraging a teenager to be a pro-active and considerate part of the family especially in times of crisis is tantamount to child abuse.

Hope things smooth out for you OP, and you get better soon .

She isn't anywhere near the maturity of an adult OP.

if you want her to contribute to chores that is fair enough but being lazy and entitled is an unfortunate part of being a teenager and needing to learn that actually the world does not revolve around me.

Thinking of it from your own point of view, ie. why would she treat me like that, she KNOWS I'm struggling and we are so ill - she really doesnt see it in that way and not because shes being deliberately nasty but because she is still a young person who has not got the above memo yet. Most of us do grow out of it.

I think you were unfair to take the whole of tomorrow off her as an option but understand why you snapped and threatened this. I think attempting to get her doing chores regularly is something you need to work on. not just for you but for her when she moves out. my mum did what you did when me and my brother were younger and stepped in all the time because we did it too slow or not the way she wanted and subsequently neither of us could even use a washing machine when we both moved out.

happy to say that is not the case now 😂

hope you feel better soon

Yes, OP you were harsh but I get you feel rubbish.

When she gets home, be kind. She's just a kid.

You were harsh in what you said.

The time to change the status quo in the house isn’t a weekend when she’s got plans. That’s not fair.

You need to fix her non-contributions, but doing boom and bust of giving in and accepting her doing nothing and then demanding she cancel plans because you’re ill and your DH is busy is just asking for a row tbh.

Ask her to help. Do the minimal all round until you’re better.

Then tackle the non-contributing issue.

So what happens at 18?? The magic fairy sprinkles fairy dust and they all of a sudden become mentally ‘adult like?’
no, socialisation impacts the age at which we teach mental maturity.
Hence the huge difference between western kids and kids from developing countries.

For those, who are saying that teenager is still a child - I am expecting my nine-year-old son to help with setting the table, putting his clothes away (sometimes) and doing other stuff that family life might require. It doesn't make him any less of a child or his childhood particularly hard. Why would it be different for a teen?

It’s absolute is.

Unless you have detailed information about the neurological development of teens (you clearly don’t), stay in your Lane.

Professor Sarah Jayne Blakemore (Cambridge Uni) is one of the few experts in this area and all her work profoundly disagrees with your opinions.

Reach not teach**

So what happens at 18????

I can’t get over people requiring the hoovering done when they are sick, who could be bothered! I shouldn’t think the world would end if the hoovering was a few days over due